NOTE: The format is terrible, I know, it YWS not me, I swear.
Present Day
“Anya! Nick! Breakfast!” I called outside. Nick was teaching Anya how to put spiral on a football when she threw it. Ever since Heather and Jake moved to Los Angeles and Briana moved to Pennsylvania, Nick and I are like Anya’s parents. Its weird when we go out to dinner people think that Nick and I are teen parents.
“Mandi, are me and you gonna go to the mall later? I need new sneakers for school,” Anya said, as she greeted me with a hug. We then did our secret handshake we made up one rainy day.
“Sure, I can't believe you are starting kindergarden soon, it seems like just yesterday I was taking you home from the hospital,” I said, remembering that awful day my mom had the seizure.
“When are you gonna tell me the full story of what happened to mom and dad? I'm old enough now, you promised,” she said, as she sat down at the kitchen table and grabbed some of the bacon.
“You really want to know?” I asked, I knew she would need to know sometime but I didn’t think it would be this soon.
“Mandi, do you want me to leave?” Nick asked.
“No, you are part of the family and you have been ever since my mom died and my dad left. Anya, that’s what
happened, our dad left before you were born and mom had a seizure the day you were born and died,” I said, as my voice
cracked. It was still hard to talk about my parents.
“Well, when is dad coming back?” Anya asked.
“Anya, I don’t think he is,” Nick said, as he squeezed my hand. He knew what it was like to lose a parent, but
not two.
“Oh, why?” she said, as she took a bite of her bacon.
“I don’t know, I just don’t know. So, Nick, do you wanna head to the park today and take the dogs?”
“Sure, when do you wanna go? I just have to look into some stuff for work, but after that I'm good,” he said,
as he too reached for some bacon. He was a homicide detective for San Diego Police Department. He was promoted to
homicide detective after a year of being a police officer. I'm glad he’s now a detective, I didn’t like him being out on the
streets in danger.
“One-ish?”
“Sounds good,” he said, as he threw a piece of bacon down on the floor to feed the dogs.
“Mandi, are Heather, Jake, and Bri coming back home for my birthday?” Anya asked, with her mouth full of
bacon.
“Anya, don’t talk with your mouth full and I doubt Bri is coming but I'm sure Heather and Jake are, why don’t
you call them?” I said, as I handed her my cell. She left the room to call Heather.
“I think she was too young to tell her about my parents,” I said to Nick once she left the room.
“She had the right to know though, you did the right thing,” he said, as he gave me a hug, “Do you still think
about that day, like you used to?”
“Not as much, but I still think about the fact that she might not have had the seizure had I not gone to talk to
her about you, you know?”
“Mandi, the seizure would have happened anyway, whether or not you went to talk to her,”
“I know, I still wonder though. I miss being young and stupid, like she would have really let you move in. We
both were forced to grow up fast because of Anya, not that I regret it for a single moment. Well, you weren’t forced to
grow up, you chose to,”
“I chose too?” he said, questioning my word phrasing.
“You could have left me and said you were gonna go live with your mom but you stayed with me,”
“I stayed because I love you; in fact I love you more now. I know that what we have is real now, since we have
been living together for five years and taking care of Anya together. When we were in high school it was different that it
is now. Now we are more like a real couple and in love. In fact, I think its sweet when people think we are teen parents,
because people really think she looks like us.”
“Well she is my sister, she should look like me. I don’t like when people assume we are married though, we just live together we don’t have to be married or engaged,” I said, taking a sip of my coffee.
“So, you wouldn’t want to get married?” he asked, sounding a little hurt.
“I would I just don’t like when people assume we are married, you know?” I said, putting my coffee mug down
to give him a kiss one the cheek and then added, “I would marry you without hesitation any day of the week.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Alright, overall, the whole conversation of this chapter seems a bit unrealistic. Maybe you want to accentuate on the difficulty of the adulthood they are going through because, reading this, I really did not feel they were adults yet. Concentrate on the feel of this chapter, the emotions you want to send out and go on with the dialogue after. Other than that, it's getting along great
-Truth-
Hello there.
First one to review! Woo, not like I'm usually not because I just don't have a life like that.
I think it's better is you add a she in there.
My nitpicking is over, but now I've got to talk to you about some thing in your story... You write like they are adult, yet you tell us that people think that they are teen parents. So are they adults, or teens? If you're talking about before, when they were younger, then you might want to mention that. And if not, remove the teen and just talk about how people think they are Anya's parents.
Another thing is Anya's personality itself... She's not even begun school yet and she looks like a pretty smart girl. I don't know if that's what you meant, or it's just a misjudgment, but I work with girls that are 8 to 11 years old, and most are pretty depending on their parents.
This. She's talking like she even knew she needed sneakers, which I know for a fact that most child that age don't even think about. It would look more realistic if Mandi told Anya that they needed to go to the mall to get her new shoes, and then the little girl gets all excited because... Well because it's new shoes! Get what I mean?
This has a problem too. A girl that age will probably either not remember what the number is, or just make her parents dial for her. So maybe you can make Mandi dial the number and then pass the phone to Anya? And you might want to make her stay in the room, talking to Heather, and Mandi and Nick get up and talk in the hallway or something instead, which would make more sense. Well according to me.
Keep writing! This plot is getting along nicely.
-Other One