A fresh start. That’s what they were calling it. A chance to start over again with new faces. I knew it was a lie though. They didn’t move me for a ‘fresh start’, they moved me because it was too embarrassing to face their peers with a sixteen-year old daughter who had been raped and impregnated at fifteen.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
“We send you away for nine months, you were supposed to come back without a baby!” my mother screamed at me after seeing me walk through the doors with my son in my arms.
“I already lost so much mom, I couldn’t lose him, please try and understand,” I pleaded, while rocking my son, Hunter. His bright blue eyes looked up towards me, he had an apologetic look on his face, almost as if he thought this was all his fault. But it wasn’t, it was my parents.
“Your father just got a promotion! What will his co-workers think? You can’t do this to us!” she screamed even louder than the first time, the look in Hunter’s eyes grew even more apologetic.
My father came downstairs, surprising enough. He never took time off of work, and when he did it was to yell at either my brother, my sister, or me about not making him look good enough or ruining his reputation.
“Why the hell is there a child in your arms? Who’s baby is that?” My father shouted, “Do you know what this will do to my reputation? Laura, did you tell your daughter what kind of influence this will have on my job, and our lifestyle?”
“So what Dad? We lose this oh-so-perfect lifestyle. It isn’t worth it anyways! You work every day of the week and you never leave the office. But you’re right, I would hate for it to ruin your life. Cause I know how hard it must have been to have your daughter be raped at fifteen and give birth to a child, what an embarrassment. Both of you weren’t even there the day I gave birth to him? I bet you didn’t know that it was a long labor and painful as all get-out. But what was even more painful, was seeing His face in Hunter, seeing His eyes and lips and mouth and being reminded of that day. The day both of you have never even asked me about, I may add,” I replied, continuously rocking Hunter and vowing to myself to never raise him in this type of environment.
“Then why keep the thing then?” my dad said. The way he said thing, like Hunter was nothing but a doll, like he had no future or no feelings really agrivated me. It didn’t shock me though, my father always thought of us as his pawns, a way advance farther in his little game of chess in which he called life.
“That thing is my son. That thing is your grandson. That thing has been inside my stomach for the last nine months. Those nine months, in which I may remind you, you both didn’t call me, let alone visit me to check up on me. So don’t you ever refer to my son as a thing again,” I said as a tear rolled down my cheeks. They sent me away for the whole pregnancy to live with my grandma.
“Oh honey, but what will the neighbors think. You know they can be quite judgmental and you know how hard we worked to stay in Eastwood,” my mother said, referencing the town in which I had more hatred for than words could describe.
Eastwood was a gated community in which only allowed certain people into it’s environment. Anyone could live there of course, but it was whether or not you would be appointed for City Council or allowed into the country club. Trivial things that mattered so much to my parents but so little to me. Something like having a sixteen-year old daughter with a son would quickly get my father kicked off City Council and my family revoked from the country club.
“So what, Mom? Is it really that big of a deal? Out of all the things you worry about, you worry about what they will think? You don’t care about how the delivery went? Or how the pregnancy went? Only about what others think of you. That’s how you and I differ, thankfully, I couldn’t care less about what the neighbors think of me as long as I am happy with myself. And I am. I am making the right decision for me and my son by choosing to raise him myself. Whether or not you want to be a part of that process is up to you,” I said leaving.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My grandma knew what was going to happen, that I was planning to keep him and she was ok with that. She understood what I was going through and knew that my parents wouldn’t accept my choice, so we both decided not to tell them until absolutely necessary.
My grandma was supportive of me and my choice though, and knowing that she would be moving to an elderly care center, decided to have me move in with my sister and her boyfriend. That was that. My parents put up no fight. They didn’t care. As long as me and my son were out of their lives.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This was really good!!!
This was really good!!!
Hello there! Here to review your work for review day!
I will review as I read to make it have more sense for me and you. I tend to ramble on otherwise. Here goes!
Well, when I read the little synopsis that you had accompanied with this work , it already grabbed my interest. It's refreshing to see someone writing about something so raw and different.
“But it wasn't, it was my parents.” - I like that you've presented this as her first initial opinion. Will it change? Will she realize that the only fault lies with the terrible man who did this to her? This is good for your character development. I like it.
I love that you capatalise 'Him' - It's a really clever way to emphasize the presence of that awful person!
I would like to know a little more about what she is actually feeling inside as she is speaking to her parents this way. Is she really this outspoken and angry or is it all an act to hide just how hurt she really is?
Good luck! I hope this helped a little. I guessed that from the other reviews, this is a revised draft so it's a good thing that I only had one critique! Congrats
Olive <3
I do believe this is an improvement from the other version. But, alas, I was too late with this and all of the key points I would have talked about have already been talked about. I do agree, though, with Blacknether down there. Keep on writing!
~LP
Hey Hockey . . . just thought I'd drop by for a super-quick comment/ review!
First off: I thought this was really good. Your use of emotions, mixed in with a really distinctive style, and a good plot/ idea came out really well. Nice work. The things I didn't like were probably mostly in your logic/ reasoning and your emotions themselves (yes, you can use something nicely but still have problems).
Your logic problem: Well, here I think it's pretty obvious. How could her parents NOT notice her disappearing inexplicably for months and NOT getting pregnant. Now yeah, you could have some reason for them never finding out, but the thing is: You don't. You need to have more details on how she hid her pregnancy from her parents.
It's a really big 'must' because it makes you look bad without it. The story doesn't make sense without it. You need to watch your logic and reasoning for glitches like this one. Places were they just don't make sense. Don't just re-read your work before you post it for grammar and spelling errors . . . try to keep an eye on the overall picture as well.
Now for that other problem: Your emotions. Really this is more about your character's actions. They're unrealistic. This girl seems really independent and out-spoken to be able to speak to her parents like this . . . but if she had any brains she'd know not to say what she did say. It would only get them angry. ONLY.
Put yourself in her position. If you wanted to let your parents know something and possibly get them very angry then you'd say this (and if you were mistaken then it would be VERY bad), then you'd say this . . . but if you wanted to part as friends then you wouldn't. A good person, who knows their parents, and wants to keep things peaceful, would try to be a bit more . . . tactful.
Of course, for a story, what you have here would do just fine, but I'm just saying. Watch what you want your character's to be, and what they do. The action makes the man (or the woman in this case). Keep an eye on yourself.
As I said, this was going to be a really quick comment-review! So that's it! Good luck! Good style! Good emotions (in a way)! And remember: KEEP WRITING -Do that and I guarantee that you WILL improve! Practice makes perfect -this applies to writers more than anybody!
~Black~
Great story. You have very good pacing, which is rare for most writers. I would enjoy if you could divulge, or just give a bit more background. It's obviously an emotionally packed story, so I would love to see you go farther into what makes the characters tick and how this situation came about. Feel free to continue this story, as I would love to read more.
Hello. Rebel to review again.
For me, this chapter is a major improvement from your first attempt. I liked that you elaborated on the fight going on between the character and her parents. Good for Briana for sticking up for herself and Hunter!
Here are some grammatical mistakes that I found:
"... they moved me because it was too embarrassing to face their peers with a sixteen-year old daughter..." -> "... they moved me because it was too embarrassing to face their peers with a sixteen year-old daughter..." You did have a hyphen, but it just wasn't in the right place.
"We send you away for nine months, you were supposed to come back without a baby!..." -> "We sent you away for nine months. You were supposed to come back without a baby!..." The original sentence didn't flow right to me. It just felt slightly awkward.
"I already lost so much mom, I couldn't lose him, please try and understand..." -> "I've already lost so much Mom, I can't lose him as well. Please try and understand..." The original sentence was a run-on, and I added a word or two in the new sentence.
"I pleaded, while rocking my son, Hunter." -> "I pleaded while rocking my son, Hunter." Just had one comma that you can leave out.
"His bright blue eyes looked up towards me, he had an apologetic look on his face, almost as if he thought this was all his fault." -> "His bright blue eyes looked up towards me. He had an apologetic look on his face, almost as if he thought this was all his fault." This was a run-on sentence again. :/
"... What will his co-workers think?..." -> "... What will his coworkers think?..." The hyphen is not necessary in the word 'coworker'.
"... she screamed louder than the first time, the look in Hunter's eyes grew even more apologetic." -> "... she screamed louder than the first time. The look in Hunter's eyes grew even more apologetic." Run-on.
"... Who's baby is that?" My father shouted,..." -> "... Whose baby is that?" my father shouted. ..." If you convert 'Who's' to 'Who is', it doesn't make much sense to say "Who is baby...".
"Laura, did you tell our daughter what kind of influence this will have on my job, and our lifestyle?" -> "Laura, did you tell our daughter what kind of influence this will have on my job and our lifestyle?" No need for a comma.
"Cause I know how hard it must have been to have your daughter raped at fifteen and give birth to a child, what an embarrassment." -> " 'Cause I know how hard it must have been to have your daughter raped at fifteen and give birth to a child. What an embarrassment."
"Both of you weren't even there the day I gave birth to him?" -> "Both of you weren't even there the day I gave birth to him!"
"... like he had no future or no feelings really agrivated me." -> "... like he had no future or no feelings really aggravated me."
"... a way advance farther..." -> "... a way to advance farther..."
"Eastwood was a gated community in which only allowed certain people into it's environment." -> "Eastwood is a gated community that only allows certain people into its environment."
"I said leaving." -> "I said, leaving."
"As long as me and my son were out of their lives." -> "As long as my son and I were out of their lives."
As I said, this was a major improvement from your first attempt. I'll be waiting to read more!