the ballad of Hannibal

thanks peoples

ahha, but you do capitalize the names of places, Gaul, Italy, and people, as well, Hannibal.

I assume this kind of history interests, me as well,

yeah, I was voting for hannibal too, when I first learned about it. so sad what happened.

anyhow, this was a good poem.

Peace,
God

Darn. Forever Threnody beat me to the full bod crit, but maybe i can add something...


this tale is of Hannibal
a great general was he
with eyes like a torch
and a soul like the sea


good description. soul like the sea somehow draws me in. but...(now for the negativity) read if out loud to yourself. i'm not sure how, and where to put the rhythm. OHH WAIITTT! i read it again. it makes sense. dont mind me.


he rounded up an army
50,000 strong
with spears and swords
short and long


the "short and long" part of this sounds like you didn't have any other ideas so you stuck with this one. its just...kiddish sounding. if you can find another rhyme to go along with this that isn't so...obvious...? it will do a lot for this stanza.


he fought his way
cross barbarian-ridden Gaul
striving onward
he refused to fall


"barbarian ridden Gaul". hmm. this one is hard. you barely get away with sustaining the rhythm here. but...i really like the description. if you can possibly think of anything this good that fits better, go for it, but if not, keep it. im pretty sure it works. barely.


losing more lives
than he thought he'd bid

beautiful. genius. marvelous.



2 times
he was forced to flee
to the toe of Italy
surrounded by sea


i know you dont like punctuation, but in this stanza it is critical. "to the toe of italy" throws off the rhythm unless you read it with a pause between "toe" and "italy". but when you read it the first time, you read it like you would a regular line, not inserting the pause until you realize it's wrong and you figure out why the line sounds bad.




All in all, good poem. (As with all of yours.) good job.

thanks. fixed the he to his. and to any one else, i never punctuate or capitalize, so please dont say anything.

Nice job. Mostly flowing, very set rhyme scheme, looks like you did pretty thorough research, and nice transitions. Unlike most poems, you didn't leave any empty spaces. Just a few editing changes;

all gather close,
all gather near,
i have a great story,
i want you to hear;

this tale is of Hannibal;
a great general was he,
with eyes like a torch,
and a soul like the sea,

his home in Carthage,
his (?) father at war,
he swore to make
the empire no more.

he rounded up an army,
50,000 strong,
with spears and swords,
short and long.

with man and beast,
he crossed the straight,
quickly he went,
for Rome wouldn't wait.

he fought his way,
cross barbarian-ridden Gaul,
striving onward,
he refused to fall.

he climbed the Alps
with bravery; he did,
losing more lives
than he thought he'd bid.

reaching Italy
with 38,000 men,
the war on Rome,
had finally began.

Two times
he was forced to flee
to the toe of Italy
surrounded by sea

Carthage fell
the people killed
or some made slaves
if the lord willed