Published April 2, 2009
standing in the room
just a fly on wall
didnt understand it
but i sure heard it all
the man holding a tree
wanted to bust some caps
but the big construction worker
wanted a very long nap
the mummy screamed poison
but the dummy did not
the parrot squaked "murder!"
but then was silenced with a shot
i am very afraid
thats all i heard
not a single other sentence
not a single other word
Mr. Timothy Veronis
found with shattered knees
but which one did it
figure it out if you please.
(i know the punctuation isnt all that grand, just critique the other stuff. I'll even donate points or do somethin else for whoever can figure who everyone was and who the culprit is)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,707 Reviews
Lets jump right in to this mystery!
I don't really get this line at all... could you try to be a little clearer?
Try;
but was then silenced with a shot
Just switch around 'was' and 'then'.
Try capitalizing your I's and the beginnings of your stanzas, and, yes, add some punctuation...
was it the construction worker?
I know you didn’t want people to focus on the punctuation, but I think it would help make sense of your poem, so I’m going to touch it up anyway, OK? I’m also going to add or subtract a few words here and there that I feel you need to alter to smooth out the rhythm.
On the face of it, this isn’t really what I’d call poetry – it’s a story/mystery in rhyming form. You have a fair grasp of rhythm and rhyme scheme – none of the rhymes feel forced, though the pacing needs to be tweaked a bit to keep to the rhythm you’ve set yourself. I like the concept, too. The only real problem I have is that it lacks an emotional pull for the reader; it’s all intellectual, which is great if you like puzzles, but not really what poetry is about (IMHO, anyway). Also, this particular rhythm and rhyme structure seems to lend itself to a sort of shallowness - I'm not sure why. That said, I think it serves to keep the action moving along well in this instance, so perhaps it's not all bad!
Overall, a well-executed piece with an interesting premise. Kudos
Cheers,
~bubbles