It holds us close, with such passion
Never seeming to end. But with a sudden heat
It holds a desire to our hearts, to our minds,
with every single movement, word,
it camptivates your very beings,
and threatens to never let go.
Love's Desire holds a burning passion
which we become addicted to,
the thing it holds,
and the thing it makes us.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Made my heart warm up. All I could visualize was warmth in my heart. Keep up the good work!
This is pobably THEE best love poem I have ever read in my life. keep writing.!!
Wow, after that awesome review from Selene, I'm not sure I can tell about much. The thing that bothered me the most about this was:
Thanks for posting!
first, its lack of originality. It had a good flow, and a good word choice, but that was simply what draw me in. A good unique point of view will help the readers feel more attach to it, and will help your emotion enormously. Emotion was a good thing in this, by the way.
second, the end. I simply didn't liked it. It was far too simple for the poem itself, it needed something better, something that gave an end to the story the poem was telling us about.
This has the potential to be great! So, take a good look at it and bring it up a notch
- Kat
Hiya hisangel! Welcome to the wonderful YWS!
Nice poem you have here. Mind if I nit-pick it a bit?
Nit-Picks-
You meant 'captivates' with "camptivates," right?
I'd break this sentence up into smaller parts, and this also seems to interrupt the flow of your poem. Flow means the words seem to easily dance from a tongue and combine a sort of symphony with words. All those other words coexist together and are sort of meant to be. Like with the romance you're describing, you know? If your poem flows wonderfully then your readers will truly be captivated by what you have to say.
Length-
Well, I would've preferred this to be longer so I'd have more to base my opinion of it on. Don't be afraid to let your pen, pencil, or hands on your keyboard fly with no end. You may not know where it'll end, but that doesn't matter; for it's the journey of your words that's worth taking.
Originality-
This is what I think FLyerS was trying to tell you about, and I won't argue with him either. I can't count all those sappy love poems I've read from great authors or have written myself. That's why when you sit down to add passionate spice to your poem you have to remember to add something unique into it, because truth is a bunch of people have already conveyed the same message thousands upon thousands of times. Get people thinking a different way and you'll have all your readers hooked in no time, no matter if it's about matters of the heart or space aliens.
Description-
It's incredible how much length you can add on and convey the same meaning. I mean just today I was reading a book for my English Honors class, Cold Mountain, and was astounded by how long this author could talk about one silly thing for pages and pages. Sure, it had a tad too much purple prose, but it gave the reader a clear picture in their mind's eye of how green the grass was, even if it bored them to tears in the process. Therefore, get a little in depth on this feeling of Love's Desire, and capture it in your words. Show your readers what it really is to feel this hot, burning passion called love and the desires that come with it. Wrap all those emotions up, put a detailed bow on top, and sprinkle in some common poetry techniques, like similes and metaphors. Then you'll all be set to go.
Overall-
I thought this poem was quickly enjoyable, but there was something missing. Length and descriptive language seems to be the biggest thing you left out, so fix that. Other than that I think you could easily turn this into something memorable.
If you ever need a critique again, need a friend, or have a question feel free to PM me.
CLICHED!!! RE-A-LY CLICHED. Love poems are always cliched. Revenge is also cliched. Use more metaphors. WAY more metaphors. I mean it. Finding the right words for love is almost impossible if you do it directly. You should use pictures, not sounds to describe it. People's most dominant sense is sight. Use that to convey better meaning.