Young Writers Society

I thought it was really good, there is a few problems that I think a lot of people have pointed out.
Overall:
You are a talented writer.

From one amateur to another:

Firstly, i totally relate to the feeling of protectiveness, accompanied by the feeling that your story is being attacked. But I learnt that if you want to be a serious writer, you have to write for the readers, not just yourself. The reason you post it here is because fellow writers care and will give you the harsh truth aimed at improving your skill instead of just turning you down like publishers who are only interested in publishing good writers, not training learners. This needn't get you down though, just be determined to become a great writer!

Here's a tip: try reading the kind of stories you would like to write then study and imitate their style. ask yourself penetrating questions like "what did I enjoy about it? How can I evoke the same feelings in my readers?"

With the spelling, these days there's really no excuse, countless programs allow you to spell check in under 5 minutes (not to mention this very website!). Spelling and grammar are the tools of your art, you can't let them get sloppy.

Other than that, take people's advice, but don't let anyone tell you that you can't write. If the passion is there that's great, but it's only the beginning. The rest is hard work, learning from your mistakes, and humbling yourself to those that are more experienced. This means reading just about as much as you write.

Good Luck!

I just want to apologize to everyone for getting defensive up there. It's just that this was the first story I ever posted on the net so I guess I just kinda feel protective of it and I'm sorry for trying to push away all the helpful criticism you all gave.
I am currently working on a fuller version of this and fixing all that stuff and I hope to have it edited within the next week or so.
Once again, sorry for getting defensive about this.

~Amelia

Well, I for one liked this. Just by your dialogue I was able to follow what was happening in the story. I did have to read it two times though to understand it. But that is me, I usually have to reread something. The only thing is Prologue part of this also?

And personally I don't find it weird have them recapping what has happened to them.

The two sentences,

“Ya then I won’t have to hide from the police any more!”

“Ya it’s been almost a year since you ran away from the orphanage and it’s still in the papers! But now they say you’re most likely dead.”

in my opinion have "Ya" too much. I know its only twice but try using a synonym for ya, other wise its fairly good.

Okay i hate being criticized as much as you do but understand that they are trying to help you make your writing better. As this is your first chapter you should probably describe the setting in it and give a little info. on the characters. i really like this and you are on the right track but be a little more descriptive with whats going on.

As the spelling/grammar stuff has already been mentioned, I shan't say anything else on the matter.

That said, you really do need tags for your dialogue. We readers have no clue who is saying what, and while you were trying to create a sense of confusion/mystery, the sense of confusion we readers get is not the type that makes us want to continue reading; it's more the type that will chase readers away, actually. As such, any sense of mystery falls pretty flat on its face.

Also, a bit of description of the surroundings would be nice since it would give us readers a bit of grounding. Right now, we really don't have any idea of where this story is set. As far as we know, this story could be taking place in modern-day Earth, or it could be off in some never-before-seen/heard of world. If it is the latter, description becomes even more important as we readers cannot see into your head and, as such, would be missing out on the wonders of that other world.

You don't need a lot of description. Personally, I prefer dialogue-oriented prose to heavily descriptive, mainly because dialogue is a wonderful way to show characterization. However, description is still important, and even though I don't use description as often or to as great an extent as dialogue, I still use quite a bit of descriptive writing in my stories. Description is, after all, a part of narration, and every story has narration.

One last thing that I don't believe anyone else mentioned is that the ending of this chapter was very abrupt. It seemed to end right in the middle of the conversation, which left me feeling that this chapter (not the story, as that is a given) is incomplete. Pacing is a bit difficult to pin down, but a guideline to keep in mind is that each scene/chapter should feel complete and able to stand on its own within the context of the story. The first half of this chapter, the dream sequence, felt complete as a scene. The second half of this chapter, as I mentioned before, does not.

That said, I hope you can take what I've said and use it to improve. Good luck with writing!

Hey, Hippie Vampire!

Try not to feel insulted when you get harsh reviews. Here on Young Writers Society, we only want to improve your writing.

It's fine to include large chunks of dialogue, but I wouldn't for a prologue or beginning of a chapter/story.

At the beginning of a story, it's important to introduce characters to get the reader invested in the story. This needs more description of the characters. Also, you don't tag the dialogue. We have no idea who is saying what. This makes your story very confusing.

Let's say that there's a story with three characters. If you wrote your scene like this:

"Help!"
"It's just algebra. It isn't that hard."
"Don't be mean!"

Who is saying what?
You need to add dialogue tags.

"Help!" cried James desperately.
"It's just algebra. It isn't that hard." teased Kelsey in a mocking voice.
"Don't be mean!" Robin scolded her.

See how much easier that is to follow?

Hope this helped,
Sakura

Just to clear things up. No the hole thing is not going to be in dialog, only the pro-log/first chapter.
I'm sorry if it's confusing, it's just supposed to be mysteries.
And personally I don't find it weird have them recapping what has happened to them.
And also if you find the dream thing a little stereotypical/cliche it's only because half the stuff in this story relates to stuff that has happened to me and I had that dream so I decided to fit it in.

And thank you for finding thous spelling/grammar issues:) No one on any of the three other sites I have this story on found thous! So thanks!

So ya, I think that's all. Thanks everyone for your feed back!

I really like you're story so far... it seems to have a lot of potential, but like they said before me, I think it could be even better if it wasn't JUST dialog. So other than that (seeing as the grammar errors have been reported xD) Keep writing, like i said this story appears to have a lot of potential.

Here are a few things I noticed at first glance.

“No mommy!”


“No Miranda, look away!”

“Well you did say that you don’t remember anything from before you where found wondering alone in the middle of nowhere and taken to the orphanage.”

Hey, I'm MJ.

There were a few grammar issues I'd like to get out of the way first.

“No, mommy!”

“No, Miranda, look away!”

“Mommy!”

“Sweetie, it’s too late, they’ve got her.”

“No! I love you mommy!”

“Ahhhhhhh!!!”

“Get the father too.”

“What about the girl?”

“She’s as good as dead without her parents anyway.”

“You’re right, just leave her.”

“No, daddy!”

“It’ll be OK sweetie.”

“No, daddy, daddy! Please come back!”


13 years later

“Miranda! Miranda, come on, we’re going to be late for school!”

“Oh, sorry Silvia, I had a rough night.”

“You had that dream again, didn’t you?”

“Ya, they’re coming more and more often now.”

“Well, you did say that you don’t remember anything from before you where found wondering alone in the middle of nowhere and taken to the orphanage.”

“I know, but why now? I’m 17-”

“Soon to be 18.”

“Ya, then I won’t have to hide from the police(no "s") any more!”

“Ya, it’s been almost a year since you ran away from the orphanage and it’s still in the papers! But, now they say you’re most likely dead.”

“True, but if they find(no "e") that I’m alive it’ll be even bigger news!”

“If that happens, you won’t even have a place to hide!”

“I know, all I need to do is just stay low until my birthday.”

Hey, welcome to YWS!

Okay, first of all, I think this is in the wrong section. I believe it should be in the "scripts" forum, considering that this is only dialogue. It's okay, though, I see you're a newcomer.

Second:

“Oh sorry Silvia, I had a rough night.”

“You had that dream again didn’t you?”

“Ya, they’re coming more and more often now.”