Published May 18, 2011
I keep my childhood safe in an old green-lidded shoebox, the safe brown cardboard sides reminiscent of all those art projects and crafts, from cardboard houses to trees to ships. Everything came pouring straight out of my overactive imagination like water out of a tap, flowing pure and clean. If anyone of you is wondering whether I am a closet romantic, then you are excellent judges of character.
Like Mr Darling in Peter Pan who kept his dreams in a drawer, I sometimes take down the box from the high cupboard and admire its contents. As I open the lid, the half-forgotten adventures and old friends come to life, materializing right before my eyes. I hated most toys, so I improvised my own. Lengths of knotted string transform into glamorous, devil-may-care heroines, patterned silk handkerchiefs billow out into parachutes, a wad of discarded wrapping paper with drawn-in features becomes a stringy-haired fairy, followed by the toys.
I wonder whether the cold heartless CEOs in their minimalist offices, surrounded by secretaries and employees ever thought that a cheap, mass produced plaything could come to mean a whole few years of carefree fun. Two monkeys become an evil scientist and a superhero, followed by a tie-less Harry Potter and the stooping crumpled figure of a brown mouse in a green cap, which hobbles out- Jerry, my oldest and best friend, whom I almost lost at the beach. My father had to offer a little girl a bribe- a ten-pound note for a sodden, trembling mouse.
My childhood washes over me- almost ten years of carefree innocence, pent up into a shoebox for a few years, only to wash over me again. My shrewdness, problems- all the masks I put on fall off, the fastenings undone and the knots untied. I am my seven-year-old self, returning to those blessed sunny afternoons in my old kingdom-the garden and the flat wide roof and terraces of our home, the backdrop to the great adventures I had. It is getting late and I must soon return them to the stasis they lie in, back in the depths of the big dark cupboard. However it gets harder to close the lid as time goes by.
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140,265 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Thanks for all the comments- I really appreciate it. Though this is definitely not my best work as this was cobbled together in half an hour at two in the morning
Hello, Gheala here!
-You said "safe" twice. Try not to repeat the same word or use it more than once. You could use your thesaurus or find another characteristic of what you're describing.
-That line, to me, was too long for an opening line. It made me lose my concentration when I read it.
I think that line is a little rushed. I mean, you should delay it. We don't know the character speaking or how she is and how she reacts to things. (Let's say it's a she) We really don't know anything about her, so it's a little strange for a reader to read that line. Strange for you to assume that we think that you're a closet romantic, while we don't know anything about you.
I think this should be a new paragraph. By the way, I like that paragraph a lot.
That is a very very long sentence. It's about 35 words or more. That means, it would take 3 to 4 lines in a novel. That wouldn't be liked by the reader. Think about it.
Have you noticed that you said "carefree" a lot? Try to find another word.
Alright, over all! I think you have a very good writing style, but it does need some work. There were some lines that I felt were a little dull. I needed new words, but I noticed that you repeated the same words a lot. Try to enhance your vocabulary and keep practicing. You sure will be much better.
You do have the potential for it, be sure of that.
Good luck!
Hello there! I see that you’re new to YWS; welcome! If you’re interested in getting to know your way around and meet some of our members, why not drop in at the Welcome Mat and introduce yourself?
To me, the wording seems a little awkward. You’re addressing both the readership as a whole, and the reader as an individual. If you’re going to use second-person, pick one of these options and go with it. I’d suggest the individual – which would make this sentence read, “If you’re wondering whether I am a closet romantic, then you are an excellent judge of character”. Doesn’t that feel a little less uncomfortable to read? Another way you might like to work on this, is to use contractions every now and then. “You are” becomes “you’re”, and so on. It just makes the whole thing have that informal feel, which, since it seems such a personal account, is rather more appropriate.So! This is a very interesting piece of work. You’re directly addressing the reader, which is a fairly unusual tool, and it gives the piece a sort of suggestion that it’s going to be different. I’m not 100% convinced that you’re managing it quite right, though. The first thing that stood out for me was this:
Second thing I’d comment on – Interesting cultural reference, but how relevant is this? What does it add to the reader’s experience? For me – it’s been a long time since I read the book, but I was a bit distracted and pulled out from the narrative, thinking ‘does he?’ References like this can work wonderfully well, when executed carefully, but this didn’t really help your story.
After that, you really start to get things going. There are a few grammar errors, but I won’t test anyone’s patience by nitpicking. Instead, you can find all sorts of wonderfully helpful articles, including some about grammar, at the Knowledge Base, and you’ll be able to fix things in your own work – it’s a very useful skill that can really make a difference to you in future.
Well, I hope I helped! If there’s anything I’ve said that didn’t quite make sense, or anything more I can do, please let me know and I’ll be glad to take another look.
~ Ruth
Intruiging title
Now to the reviewmobile! ... Okay that was cheesy, I apologise!
This is really good! Nice imagery, just avoid repeating yourself too much