becoming one

Hey
I really liked this.
Keep up the good work!

Hello, hidden. (I can see you. Sorry, couldn't resist.) Anyway, Tassen Spellbinder here to review your poem. I'm going to do this line by line, so here we go.

"Lighting,"
-- I'd delete the comma.

"brightens the sky.
Opening the gates
of wild wilderness."
-- Personally, I think you can combine all of this into one sentence.

"Places no one dares to journey.
Places only you can dream of."
-- You could make this one sentence, but that's a stylistic decision. Your call.

"Dark vengeful people live there,
taking all they can from the world."
-- I believe you need a comma after Dark.

"People no longer dreaming of hope,
finding no one they dare to trust.
Locked in the cell of emptiness.
Trying to grasp a feeling of love."
-- All of this could probably be made into one sentence if you wanted to speed up the tempo. Or, if you like it slowed down, then it serves its purpose admirably.

"Children crying out for help.
Wanting saved from the deepest hell."
-- Two things. First, I think you should add a 'to be' between 'wanting' and 'saved'. Also, you might consider adding 'circle of' between 'deepest' and 'hell'.

"people starving,
people dying,
no one cares to clean up the bodies."
-- The first line quotes should be capitalized.

"Laying in all their filth."
-- Technically, this isn't a complete sentence. Who or what is laying in all their filth? You could fix that by combining this sentence with the previous one.

"Love vanishes from this dark world."
-- Nothing to say here.

"Hope is lost, despair plays."
-- Technically, this sentence is fine. Personally, I would add another word, and put a description of some sort after plays.

"No one understands their special ways."
-- The special ways of... who? Also, I think you sort of dropped the theme of the poem up to now. Here, it seems like you head off in a different direction. You may wish to do something to tie it in more.

"They turn you against those you love,
For you to fall into their glove."
-- Again, who is 'they?' Whose glove?

"They show you no love,
Where you now go."
-- Unless I'm missing something, this is the first we, the readers, have heard of a journey. You seem to be distancing yourself from the beginning of the poem, which was mostly describing people and places.

"They show you how
to become their own."
-- Unless we have some more information on who 'they' are, this makes very little sense.

"Now with this tale I mentioned to you.
Are you willing to mention it too?
Pass it on don't let them suffer.
Or you will become too one with the puffer."
--This is interesting, but also very confusing. First, I would /not/ make this part rhyme. When only the last four lines of a poem rhyme, it does draw emphasis, true, but it looks rather strange. Who are 'them?' And what 'puffer?' I think that rhyme sounds forced and comes off as weak.


Despite all my nitpicks, I did enjoy this poem. I think with some polishing, it will be excellent. Keep up the good work.