The wind caresses the leaves from the trees
And I watch them fall, willingly
Bending in the force of the wind.
If I were to bend to your desire,
Would you treat me as the wind
Treats the leaves on the trees?
Blowing me along, caressing me gently?
Or would you be the storming gale,
Burying me beneath your power and might
Until I was destroyed, blown away
Dissolved underneath you strength?
I will not bend like the leaves on those trees
Letting the wind jerk me into submission
Bowing to the will of the cutting air.
I will be myself, mixing with the wind,
Swirling upward in the currents of the breeze,
Until I reach the highest point
With the wind.
Please critique it.
Edit 1: Tried to change the will thing...I like the end though, and don't really know what to do with it to make it feel more complete.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
thanks for the comments. It's very difficult for me to see the weaknesses in my work, as a lot of it is somewhat (or almost all) based on strong emotions that I feel. So thanks.
...reading back over it I realized that I did use the word "will" way too much in the first few lines. Thanks for helping me realize that.
To me, it just kind of drifted off into space. It kind of felt like I was making myself finish the poem, too, which is not good, either.
Part of that was the fact that you leave each line very open-ended, and you repeat words so it is an endless cycle of deja-vu, like, 'Did she already say that or what?'
The ending just kinda clunks, and leaves you waiting for more. It's like a joke being told without the little drum sequence at the end, you know what I mean? I know I am not being very helpful, but I think you could point out these weak spots on your own.
I like what you are doing here.
One suggestion I'll make is to change the line "Letting the wind beat me into submission." The line, and, more specifically, the word "beat," seems a bit harsh in contrast with the rest of your poem.
I'll also concur with the comments about "will." While you don't necessarily need to delete them, you might find more variations on the word, or even use those variations as a motif throughout the entire piece.
Like ohhewwo said, not particularly awesome, but I liked it. I also agree that there are too many "wills" in the first few lines.
Also separating into stanzas could probably help. And use some more periods mabe. But I can't really think of anything else.
This was pretty well written well written. It didn't really particularly hit me in the face with wowness, if you know what I mean. But I got the statement.
The "will" cliche at the begining, whether intentional or accidental, was a little too reccurring, but everything else was okay.
Good job.