This is the first version of a song I wrote about my dad. He died two and a half years ago.
Spinning circles of light
Behind my eyes before my face
In them pictures of you
As the droplets fall
Soaking into my skin
Essence of you in my eyes
I see your face
In the clouds full of rain
I hear your voice
In the droplets calling my name
And I know you're here
With me beside me now
And I don't....
Don't wanna come in
Out of the rain...
I close my eyes
And there you are
Smiling at me, disappearing
In a flash of light
And I want to hold to your face
And I want to feel your embrace
When...
I see your face
In the sun's soft rays
In the darkness that comes before the dawn
I hear your voice
In the wind whistling through the trees
In the waves washing over me...
And I don't want to lose you
Don't want to lose this...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
this is really emotional, very deep...
it really touched me and (as midnight also sed) that isnt
always something that happens...
the imagery is good but i cant say anything to really improve
it... i'd love to know how the tune goes... mite make it easier
to critique...
Well when you know PM me I'd love to see how this develops.
For me, the tune to this song is something that's very hard to create. I keep switching back and forth between emotive instruments. And should it be low, or high, or middling...it's easy to write, not so easy to compose.
This was very emotive. It made me feel very sad when I read it, and I often cry in novels but I very rarely feel moved in poetry so that is impressive let me tell you. I liked the weather elements imagery within it, it made all the emotion feel very earthy and grounded. I dunno it just gave the relationship more physicality and it was kinda an image of you clutching for your father (I'm very sorry about that by the way). Yes Yes I definately liked this, it would in fact be really nice to hear the accompanying tune to it, but unfortunately TYWC moves in leaps and bounds but it's not quite there yet.