She worked hard, everyday.
Coming home to things disappointing to others -
but comforting to her.
She was happy. Very happy.
-
Until it happened...
She had lost him.
It was tragic to her, she was barely hanging on.
Everyone was worried; "She'll be okay" they said.
She really wasn't.
She thought she wouldn't make it through. No chance at all.
All hope was gone, she had given up.
-
Until it happened...
She had found him.
A new him.
He had given her hope.
She had a chance. And she was happy.
-
Until it happened...
All happiness was lost.
He had left.
She was too dependent. On him.
On everything else but her.
He was gone. For good.
And she lost all hope.
-
Until it happened...
She became independent.
Didn't need anyone else.
She believed in herself.
Her hope came back.
There was a chance.
It was all okay. She was okay.
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141,348 Literary Works • 674,370 Reviews
Hi heyitsisabel, acm here for a review! This piece had a lot of emotion in it, and it had a plot that moved forward very well. I only had a few suggestions about it. Sorry if I nitpick.
1.
I feel like this line could have been explained better. I didn't see how it related back to the theme of a girl growing stronger and not needing a guy. My interpretation was that maybe she lived in a small house and had less than others, but though her small house was cozy and didn't need anything too fancy. This may just be me not understanding poetry very well, so it's really more of a personal choice on whether you want to keep those lines in.
2.
Here, I felt like these lines were contradicting each other. They were worried about her, but they thought she was fine? It confused me a little bit.
I think this line might go better this way: 'Everyone was worried; "She'll be okay" they said, trying to reassure themselves.'
That way, you get the impression that they're hoping that she's going to be okay, but are still worried about her, which is less contradictory.
3.
I feel like these two lines skip over a lot. How did she become independent? Was there a turning point? A realization? Reassurance from a family member? I don't think she would become independent overnight. You have a lot of freedom with free-verse poetry, it's okay to add transitions or exposition if it helps your poem.
Anyways, I thought this was a really great poem. It had a good meaning and a fast paced plot. I hope I didn't sound too harsh or nitpick, because I really liked this piece. I can't wait to see more of your work!
Your nitpicking is perfectly okay critiques are always helpful! All work does need more editing. I was trying to make it seem like she lives in a small-almost run down-house so you did get the right idea. I will figure out how out how to reword the contradictory sentence too. I understand what you mean when you said that there was a gap when she became independent, I think I should've made that more clear. Thank you fro the review the nitpicking was helpful!
Everyone says people's lives are on threads and when the break it's over but this poem show those people that when there is no hope you can find yourself as the light in the dark. It was a very nice poem. I'm out of words to describe it. But can I ask you something? Doesn't this girl need a friend or have a friend or anyone in her life? Is it just her? That could get pretty lonely you know, a life just by yourself. Well keep up the good work.
I tried to make her life based around the first guy and how she really depended on him to be there and when she lost him she was lost herself. I tried to make it just the two of them. Yeah, it can get pretty lonely. Is there any way I could make the poem clearer? I am up for any critiques. Thank you for your compliments by the way!
I loved your poem! I found it thought provoking and original. I loved the use of periods and spacing to increase the suspense. The use of repetition in your poem was very clever and you used it wisely and the placement was great. Overall I loved your poem, it was truly genius, and I hope to see more great work from you in the near future.
Thank you so much, I was basing this poem (almost) around the cliche tragic love stories and I was worried that it wouldn't be original enough to call it my own. Being a young writer hearing that my poem was original and truly genius made my day, so thank you for that! I do plan to make more poems and possibly short stories so I can't wait to hear from you then!
ok to be honest it doesnt seem much like a poem it just plane telling you what happening and there no uhh rythme to it and no description well there some poetic it just not that good i feel like i can be better .i can not tell you how to make it better for i can not place my finger on it just read over it and change it a little make it flow more then it does now .when u do this it will be much better
Okay. I'm going to defend heyitsisabel here.
1. Poets have certain styles and she used repetition, and that might be how she writes her poetry.
2. There are poems called free verse poems and they are extremely popular.
i just didnt like it tbh ok ignore me thou i just put a thought there im not that good so im not someone to fully listen too
Of course you do not have to agree with my writing or my style in writing but here is where I was coming from when I was writing it: I think that I tried to make the sentences more short and simple the poem could be better, like the saying "less is more". Of course I could add more detail but I was trying to keep it simple. Also all writing could of course could use more work, but other than that thank you for your critiques.