Published March 15, 2010
"Emily"
he said.
Though he was talking to me.
"Emily"
he said.
Through faded eyes
that could not see
behind
the invisibility.
"Emily"
he said
to me,
and I just fell apart
"Emily"
he said.
Some things are meant to
be broken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ confusing I know. Let me know if you didn't understand.
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139,457 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hello there, herzing.
This poem was not very good. It was lacking it almost all aspects; the grammar/punctuation, imagery, word choice, and the storytelling aspect. Your subject matter is cliche in itself; there are tons of poems out there about broken relationships, if that even is what your poem is about. It was so vague and just basic that I couldn't really tell.
You don't seem to realize when to go to a new line, and just do so in random places, thus creating a really choppy feel. We're going to pause when there is a line break, so it'd be like putting a period in the middle of your sentence. That wouldn't. work to well. would it.
If you do wish to continue with this poem, rewrite it. Give it substance so that it becomes poetry, and not just a bunch of random words mashed together to created something.
-Elinor
Your poem is different, i will never say that art is wrong, but this is really different - i would like to know the backstory to this one, it lacks substance, i did keep reading - and i went through it a couple times to see a hidden meaning, but its empty it could be cool but there is really nothing for us to see.
it kept feeling to me kind of.... choked.
Brief statements like this are excellent, and make a reader want more, which is great.
But the wording of this just... was stiff and unfeeling, I got thrown, really, I cant really put my finger tooo precisely on what it is.
A quick re-tool could work this into something great.
To me, it's great, but a tweak could make it even more so.