Be brutal, this one is a little sketchy.
The electric purple
In his argyle veins
Are like the blood
He feeds me
His snow touched skin,
And November breathe
Freeze the time
That tics
Those copper eyes
That are enveloped by
Thick black lashes
Stained like ink in the sea
Fangs of his chocolate hair
Frames his face, and crimson lips
Compliments the stars
He puts in the skies
And in his hands,
He holds my heart..
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Sincce evryone above me has taken care of all the critique stuff I will just say that I love this. It is like my hamburgers: well done. (Get the joke?)
Hey there, Herzing!
SO, brutality is welcome? Sweet.
Okay, so, the problem with this stanza is that, it's choppy. I think you need to combine it and rearrange this so that the metaphor and image gets a wake up call and shows its face in a much more fluid way.
So, basically, veins implies that blood would run through them, and the last two metaphoric lines could pretty much be made into an image, like, are the blood he feeds me -- or something. I don't particularly love this part because it's reminding me of Edward Cullen...
breath, not breath, and tics should be ticks.
Otherwise, this is kind of pretty!
Take out "that are" in the second line; it'll flow more as one sentence.
Also! Ink in the sea would dilute... a lot, so it'll kind of not be inky anymore.
Fangs of hair? That's an interesting image!
Cute. You only need one period at the end.
While this poem wasn't exactly my choice cup of tea, you did a fair job. Is it about a vampire?
June
Keep writing!
Hello!
I'm just going to post my comments in a quote for now:
I really like this piece a lot. You've got some really nice imagery, but as much as I know what this guy looks like, I don't know who this guy is that holds your heart. If you're in love, he's special, yes? I'd suggest trying to show that more.
That's all I've got as far as a critique. Thank you for posting a wonderful read!
Take care and keep writing!
Vanadis
Well, I for one, have to disagree with everyone's critiques. I thought this was a lovely poem! I think you really brought something new to the love genre, as I had no idea you were talking about a love interest until the very end. I kept trying to figure out how this had to do with November. But I loved it anyways! Star for you my dear!
Hello! I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing this, even thought it'll be a very short review.
You want me to be brutal? Uh-oh. O couldn't be even I wanted to XD For one simple reason: I loved this poem. Yep. It's a bit vague, in the plot behind it, I think, because as far as imagery and description goes, this is just WOW. For me, at least. I love your description and all, and how it can be connected. Is this about a vampire? I think so. Feeding blood, fangs, and all. I'm not that all into it, but I like the gothic touch.
The thing that bothers me the most would be its structure wise. I do know it's something very 'meh' to be picky on, but it's the thing I'd like to point out. This only goes to the capitalized words at the beginning of every line. Some might say that that is a must, but it really is not, since poetry is free for us writers to do whatever we want. Well, almost whatever. So, read it over and try to think of dis capitalizing some of those words. Something that'll help you with that, is to add some punctuation. Not loads of it, but some.
That's it! Thanks for posting!
- Kat
Okay, so some of your descriptions were kind of odd. Like "Fangs of his chocolate hair" I mean fangs? That doesn't really give me the image of hair. This whole stanza I felt was off.
Argyle veins? Blood that he feeds you? What are these supposed to mean? That's a little gothic and creepy in my mind, but maybe it's just me.I did like the end line, I just think it's a little cliche. But keep writing.
~Hope
I've seen "stained metaphors that were utilized to great effect. However, this was not one of them. Ink in the sea just sounds odd. Maybe the inky-black sea but not this.
Besides that line, I really liked this poem. It didn't flow, but I liked what you did. Instead of hand-feeding the story to us, you threw abstract images at us. The last two lines were also fantastic.
Great job. xxooxx
Keep on writing,
Empress
Hey herzing! I'm Evi.
Firstly, just as a general rule, "snow-touched" should probably be hyphenated. I'm not sure the exact rule for this, but anything like that (other examples include: sun-kissed, wind-blown, tragedy-stricken, logic-defying, etc.) normally has a hyphen.
Also! Breathe is a verb, as in, "We have to breathe or we'll die." Breath, however, is a noun, as in, "You could see his breath as he spoke." I think you want the second one here.
Also, capitalization! You'd think that every line would have to be capitalized, wouldn't you? That's not always true. I much prefer, in poetry, to punctuate and capitalize exactly like a regular sentence in prose-writing. Capitalizing every line disrupts your flow and does funky things to the reader while they're trying to establish a rhythm.
PM me for anything!
~Evi
Hey, herzing! Welcome to YWS! If you have any problems, feel free to contact me for anything you want.
I want to see more fabulous writing! So don't be afraid to describe, don't be afraid to tell us what's going on. It's going to be awesome.
Ooh... you want brutality? Awesome! ^_^
Okay... quick nitpick! In the second stanza, "tics" should be "ticks" and in the second to last stanza, "compliments" should be "complements."
Now! The content!
The main thing that you should try to do is to remember to complete your thoughts. Right now, every stanza seems to end with a cliffhanger. For instance, let's take the first stanza. The blood... he feeds you? Tell me more! Why is he doing this? I want to know. But instead of completing the thought and satisfying our curiosity, you just move on to the next image and do the same thing! It's quite sad.
And, with that said, I still like the ending. It is a cliffhanger, yes, but it makes you wonder about the line... and in a good way. So definitely keep that in. Just complete the descriptions in the previous stanzas.
Hope that helps! And don't forget... if you need any help on YWS, feel free to PM me.