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Young Writers Society



Chocolate Dawn

by herzing


You leave yourself to the chocolate dawn,
filled with a volcano,
that erupts at black bird's twilight.

The lava marks the night,
bleeds its vanilla icicles stained of red
that scars the milky way.

The aura pierces your eyes,
full of celestial beginnings
blinking at the sting of stars

The moon begins to melt,
leaking its metallic mercury
on the hearts of millions.

I gaze upon you're astonishment,
upony my personal supernova
full of my new beginning.

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370 Reviews

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Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:41 pm
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empressoftheuniverse wrote a review...



Hello chocolate,
loved you poem, absolutely loved it. One little nitpick:

herzing wrote:The lava marks the night,
bleeds its vanilla icicles stained of red
that scars the milky way.

I really like this stanza, but i think it would sound better as.
herzing wrote:The lava marks the night,
bleeds its vanilla icicles stains of red
scarring the milky way.

That's really my only comment on this piece. I really adored it. The imagery and your use of words were simply fantastic. Keep up the awesome work. :smt001
xxooxx
the universe




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13 Reviews

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Sun Dec 27, 2009 2:36 am
herzing says...



Thank you so much, you both really helped.
I understand completely, and now realize that I have to spell check even more before I enter, haha.

Thanks again.




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73 Reviews

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Sat Dec 26, 2009 7:47 pm
OxfordandOnyx wrote a review...



Hi there Herzing! Thought I might drop in my person take on your poem! :)

Nit-picks

that erupts at black bird's twilight.

The first two lines of your poem are fluid but then this line breaks it up for me! 'at black bird's...' doesn't sound right to me and seems as though there should be the word 'the' in the sentence.

The lava marks the night,
bleeds its vanilla icicles stained of red

I am confused at why you have connected the lava to icicles, and why you have described them as vanilla which is stained red.

However, I do really like this stanza...
The moon begins to melt,
leaking its metallic mercury
on the hearts of millions.





full of my new beginning.

I like how the last line sort of links back to the beginning of the poem. I always imagine 'dawn' as new beginning if you know what I mean.

Overall, the poem just seems like a mesh of words without meaning (which I am always keen on looking out for). However, I think the imagery is very good indeed and though I am admittedly confused, I can build a clear picture in my mind of your words, and that is what makes this poem for me. :)


PM me if you have any questions or want me to review anything else! :D

#004080 ">-Onyx




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Sat Dec 26, 2009 3:54 pm
Demeter wrote a review...



Hey, Herzing!

Nit-picky, pedantic stuff first:

filled with a volcano,
that erupts at black bird's twilight.


There shouldn't be a comma after volcano, because, well, commas are not usually used before "that", haha.


that scars the milky way.


Shouldn't it be just "scar"? Because I'm thinking it's the icicles that scar the milky way, not the red.


I gaze upon you're astonishment,
upony my personal supernova


You're should be your, and I'm guessing you meant to have "upon" on the second line? Anyway, now there's too upons, so I think you should replace one to avoid repetition.

Connecting lava and icicles is very interesting and I like it, but I don't know how well the vanilla fits in there, to me it was quite random. Overall you had some really nice imagery there, and you could maybe expand them too and/or write one or two more stanzas if possible.

My favourite bit:

The aura pierces your eyes,
full of celestial beginnings
blinking at the sting of stars


This is very beautiful. :)

All in all, I think you did a good job, and I enjoyed reading this poem. Keep writing!


Demeter
x





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