You leave yourself to the chocolate dawn,
filled with a volcano,
that erupts at black bird's twilight.
The lava marks the night,
bleeds its vanilla icicles stained of red
that scars the milky way.
The aura pierces your eyes,
full of celestial beginnings
blinking at the sting of stars
The moon begins to melt,
leaking its metallic mercury
on the hearts of millions.
I gaze upon you're astonishment,
upony my personal supernova
full of my new beginning.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello chocolate,
loved you poem, absolutely loved it. One little nitpick:
I really like this stanza, but i think it would sound better as.
That's really my only comment on this piece. I really adored it. The imagery and your use of words were simply fantastic. Keep up the awesome work.
xxooxx
the universe
Thank you so much, you both really helped.
I understand completely, and now realize that I have to spell check even more before I enter, haha.
Thanks again.
Hi there Herzing! Thought I might drop in my person take on your poem!
Nit-picks
The first two lines of your poem are fluid but then this line breaks it up for me! 'at black bird's...' doesn't sound right to me and seems as though there should be the word 'the' in the sentence.
I am confused at why you have connected the lava to icicles, and why you have described them as vanilla which is stained red.
However, I do really like this stanza...
I like how the last line sort of links back to the beginning of the poem. I always imagine 'dawn' as new beginning if you know what I mean.
Overall, the poem just seems like a mesh of words without meaning (which I am always keen on looking out for). However, I think the imagery is very good indeed and though I am admittedly confused, I can build a clear picture in my mind of your words, and that is what makes this poem for me.
PM me if you have any questions or want me to review anything else!
#004080 ">-Onyx
Hey, Herzing!
Nit-picky, pedantic stuff first:
There shouldn't be a comma after volcano, because, well, commas are not usually used before "that", haha.
Shouldn't it be just "scar"? Because I'm thinking it's the icicles that scar the milky way, not the red.
You're should be your, and I'm guessing you meant to have "upon" on the second line? Anyway, now there's too upons, so I think you should replace one to avoid repetition.
Connecting lava and icicles is very interesting and I like it, but I don't know how well the vanilla fits in there, to me it was quite random. Overall you had some really nice imagery there, and you could maybe expand them too and/or write one or two more stanzas if possible.
My favourite bit:
This is very beautiful.
All in all, I think you did a good job, and I enjoyed reading this poem. Keep writing!
Demeter
x