This is the edited version, which I like better.
"It really is cruel that you have to go to school the day after Halloween." Kayla thought. "Everyone is tired and hyped up on sugar, but no, we still have to get up before the sun does and get on the smelly bus to go someplace that nobody in there right mind wants to go to."
Sitting at her desk thinking this, she struggled to complete extremely difficult algebra problems while surrounded by piles of papers and back-breaking heavy textbooks. Feeling the sudden need for sugar, she reached into her bag of quickly-diminishing candy and pulled out a chocolate bar. Just before she could take a bite, the doorbell rang.
"I bet it's that creepy salesman with the too-tight pants again." Kayla said to herself as she ran down the stairs. She really shouldn't be answering the door, what with nobody else home, but she hated listening to the doorbell ring for ten minutes by some persistent person. Opening the door, she found that no one was there. Thinking it might have been the UPS man delivering a package, she looking down. She found a bulging brown paper bag on the doormat.
"Weird," Kayla thought. "UPS guys deliver boxes, not paper bags."
She picked it up gingerly. It wasn't ticking like a bomb, so she brought it into the house. As she carried the bag over the threshold, she felt liquid dripping through it. But the liquid wasn't clear, like water.
It was red.
Dark red.
It was blood.
She screamed, and dropped the bag on the floor. Feeling queasy, she ran into the kitchen and grabbed a pair of salad tongs from the drawer. Approaching the bag cautiously, she poked it with the plastic utensil.
Nothing happened.
Gingerly she picked up the bag and started to walk with it. But before she could take one step toward the kitchen sink, the brown paper split, sending its contents to the floor.
It wasn't a check for a million dollars that landed on the floor.
It wasn't some childish prank of dog crap.
It was a hand.
A real, bloody, cold, and lifeless human hand.
Kayla screamed so loud, Koreans could probably hear her.
She did the first thing that came to her head; calling the police. Almost tripping in her haste, she ran to the phone and dialed the number.
"911 what is your emergency?" a calm female voice spoke.
"Send help, someone sent me a----"
Kayla dropped the phone.
"Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?" the operator asked.
A hand was closing around Kayla's throat, making her incapable of speech and fighting for air.
Kayla never got a chance to finish her Halloween candy.
'Ello, CK,
Thanks for the critic. I like this story better than the other one too. I'm thinking of deleting Dead But Not Gone. What do you think?
I'll edit this one later, after more people have looked at it.
Thanks again. And thanks to everyone else who replied.
Hershey
PS. Using your term, the Severed Hand of Doom might not have killed her off. I'll say no more.
'Ello, H.
First off, I like this better than the story about the girl who her's ghosts. That was good, but I like the tone off this piece better. It doesn't lead you in mental circles like other was wont to do.
I agree with Ella-- there needs to be more description. This felt a bit rushed. I didn't have enough time to start to feel for Kayla before the Severed Hand of Doom killed her off (by the way, you either have a thing for the name Kayla or this girl has had a rather interesting life). I like the rythmn this piece has.
hershey wrote:No, Ella, I have not edited it yet. I am right now.
if you let it]Okay, quite a few grammar mistakes. Try to fix them before posting, because this is something you can easily do yourself. Plus, it shows that you enjoy your piece enough to fix it up. The things I changed are in bold.
"It's so cruel that we have to go to school the day after Halloween." Kayla thought. "Everyone is tired and hyped up on sugar, but no, we still have to get up before the sun does and get on the smelly bus to that torture chamber of a school."
She sat at her desk, thinking this while surrounded by piles of papers and back-breaking heavy textbooks. She reached into her bag of quickly-diminishing candy and pulled out a chocolate bar. Just before she could take a bite, the doorbell rang.
"I bet it's that creepy salesman again." Kayla said to herself as she ran down the stairs. Opening the door, she found that no one was there. Thinking it was just a ding-dong-ditcher, she started to close the door. Looking down, she found a bulging brown paper bag on the door-mat. She picked it up gingerly. It wasn't ticking like a bomb, so she brought it into the house. As she carried the bag over the threshold, she felt liquid dripping through it. She ran down the hall to the bathroom and was about to dump the bag into the sink when she realized the liquid on the bag and her hands wasn't water, as she had originally thought.
It was blood.
Before she could put the now-red bag in the sink, it ripped down the middle, it's contents landing in the sink and spraying blood all over the mirror and herself. Horrified, she looked into the basin.
Lying in the sink, cold and lifeless, was a severed hand.
Kayla fainted.
I'm sorry, this is going to sound rude but, did you even edit at all? 
I couldn't find anything different, but I did find a two things that I didn't put in the last review.
1.
hershey wrote:now-red bag
Thanks for the critic everyone. I'll edit it. Read again and tell me if I need anything else.
Thanks
"It really is cruel that you have to go to school the day after Halloween." Kayla thought. "Everyone is tired and hyped up on sugar, but no, we still have to get up before the sun does and get on the smelly bus to the torture chamber that is school."
She sat at her desk, thinking this while surrounded by piles of papers and back-breakingly heavy textbooks. She reached into her bag of quickly-diminishing candy and pulled out a chocolate bar. Just before she could take a bite, the doorbell rang.
hershey wrote: Everyone is tired and hyped up on sugar, but no, we still have to get up before the sun does and get on the smelly bus to the torture chamber that is school."
hershey wrote:She sat at her desk, thinking this while surrounded by piles of papers and back-breakingly heavy textbooks. She reached into her bag of quickly-diminishing candy and pulled out a chocolate bar. Just before she could take a bite, the doorbell rang.
hershey wrote:Looking down,
hershey wrote:she felt liquid dripping through it. She ran down the hall to the bathroom and was about to dump the bag into the sink when she realized the liquid on the bag and her hands wasn't water, as she had originally thought.
It was blood.
hershey wrote:Lying in the sink, cold and lifeless, was a severed hand.
Kayla fainted.
I see what you mean about adding suspense at the end, but I'm going to wait for others to comment on my story before I edit it.
Thanks for the advice. it really helped.
This has been written really well.
obviously rather shocking at the end! a severed hand. ! this adds in an element of mystery to the story.
i thinks its definitely something you could extend on!
there are a few things i would like to suggest.
Firstly, i think that perhaps you should change the bit about school being a torture chamber cause this is commonly used. try and think of a different phrase perhaps.
also you could add a little bit more suspense into the end section. keep the reader guessing for a bit longer.
i really love how you have taken true aspects of school life and put them in. especially the bit about the textbooks. they are back breakingly heavy! hehe
good job with this.
hope i have helped!
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