Published September 13, 2008
This is the edited version, which I like better.
"It really is cruel that you have to go to school the day after Halloween." Kayla thought. "Everyone is tired and hyped up on sugar, but no, we still have to get up before the sun does and get on the smelly bus to go someplace that nobody in there right mind wants to go to."
Sitting at her desk thinking this, she struggled to complete extremely difficult algebra problems while surrounded by piles of papers and back-breaking heavy textbooks. Feeling the sudden need for sugar, she reached into her bag of quickly-diminishing candy and pulled out a chocolate bar. Just before she could take a bite, the doorbell rang.
"I bet it's that creepy salesman with the too-tight pants again." Kayla said to herself as she ran down the stairs. She really shouldn't be answering the door, what with nobody else home, but she hated listening to the doorbell ring for ten minutes by some persistent person. Opening the door, she found that no one was there. Thinking it might have been the UPS man delivering a package, she looking down. She found a bulging brown paper bag on the doormat.
"Weird," Kayla thought. "UPS guys deliver boxes, not paper bags."
She picked it up gingerly. It wasn't ticking like a bomb, so she brought it into the house. As she carried the bag over the threshold, she felt liquid dripping through it. But the liquid wasn't clear, like water.
It was red.
Dark red.
It was blood.
She screamed, and dropped the bag on the floor. Feeling queasy, she ran into the kitchen and grabbed a pair of salad tongs from the drawer. Approaching the bag cautiously, she poked it with the plastic utensil.
Nothing happened.
Gingerly she picked up the bag and started to walk with it. But before she could take one step toward the kitchen sink, the brown paper split, sending its contents to the floor.
It wasn't a check for a million dollars that landed on the floor.
It wasn't some childish prank of dog crap.
It was a hand.
A real, bloody, cold, and lifeless human hand.
Kayla screamed so loud, Koreans could probably hear her.
She did the first thing that came to her head; calling the police. Almost tripping in her haste, she ran to the phone and dialed the number.
"911 what is your emergency?" a calm female voice spoke.
"Send help, someone sent me a----"
Kayla dropped the phone.
"Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?" the operator asked.
A hand was closing around Kayla's throat, making her incapable of speech and fighting for air.
Kayla never got a chance to finish her Halloween candy.
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139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
'Ello, CK,
Thanks for the critic. I like this story better than the other one too. I'm thinking of deleting Dead But Not Gone. What do you think?
I'll edit this one later, after more people have looked at it.
Thanks again. And thanks to everyone else who replied.
Hershey
PS. Using your term, the Severed Hand of Doom might not have killed her off. I'll say no more.
'Ello, H.
First off, I like this better than the story about the girl who her's ghosts. That was good, but I like the tone off this piece better. It doesn't lead you in mental circles like other was wont to do.
I agree with Ella-- there needs to be more description. This felt a bit rushed. I didn't have enough time to start to feel for Kayla before the Severed Hand of Doom killed her off (by the way, you either have a thing for the name Kayla or this girl has had a rather interesting life). I like the rythmn this piece has.
And I'm glad you did
This story is much better, and really didn't take much
[ps: description can be your best friend
No, Ella, I have not edited it yet. I am right now.
Okay, quite a few grammar mistakes. Try to fix them before posting, because this is something you can easily do yourself. Plus, it shows that you enjoy your piece enough to fix it up. The things I changed are in bold.
This was an okay piece. Not really suspensful, and not really that exciting. I'm not exactly sure there's something you can do to change it or make it better. This needs more work, and if you really want people to like your pieces, please edit somewhat before you post. It helps. Trust me.
I'm sorry, this is going to sound rude but, did you even edit at all?
I couldn't find anything different, but I did find a two things that I didn't put in the last review.
1.
I don't believe you need a hyphen between now and red... but I could be wrong
And 2. I found alot of repetitiveness in the whole 'She' did this, and 'she' did that. It got a bit boring after a while when most sentences started with she.
Other than those two it's good, but I think it still needs work
Thanks for the critic everyone. I'll edit it. Read again and tell me if I need anything else.
Thanks
I agree with Ella on this one.
Yeah, I thought she was at school, too. Maybe it was late at night the day before or it was early in the morning?
That was good written. I agree with Ella J. Black on what she said, though. I think it needs a little more description, it was really confusing at some parts. But overall you did pretty good. Just add a little here and there and walla, you've got a really nice start to a horror story!
Good luck!
Sunny
The idea that school is a "torture chamber", a "prison", "hell", et cetera, et cetera.
This idea has been done to death, and unfortunately, makes it harder for authors such as yourself to make it fresh.
Maybe if you hint that she doesn't like school but don't actually say it right out. Not a very good suggestion but it might give a different perspective on things.
This bit threw me. I thought she was at school?
Why did she think to look down? Did something catch her eye? Did she hear a noise? Or did her neck just loose its strength causing her head to fall? I need reasons.
Okay now blood is red, and if it's soaking through a bag you're going to see it.
Not to be rude or anything but I'm pretty sure she would have seen it when she picked it up
Okay, that was somewhat anti-climactic. It ended way too abruptly for my tastes, so maybe if you dragged it out instead of her fainting right away. Maybe you could describe how she's feeling, her thoughts, or maybe what she's doing [i.e: She reeled at the thought of a severed hand laying in the middle of her floor] not the best I know but what do you expect for off the top of my head :D
Okay, so overall it was a very well written story
Other than the few things I've pointed out above [which are easily fixed] you've got quite an eye for horror
Good job!
I see what you mean about adding suspense at the end, but I'm going to wait for others to comment on my story before I edit it.
Thanks for the advice. it really helped.
This has been written really well.
keep the reader guessing for a bit longer.
obviously rather shocking at the end! a severed hand. ! this adds in an element of mystery to the story.
i thinks its definitely something you could extend on!
there are a few things i would like to suggest.
Firstly, i think that perhaps you should change the bit about school being a torture chamber cause this is commonly used. try and think of a different phrase perhaps.
also you could add a little bit more suspense into the end section.
i really love how you have taken true aspects of school life and put them in. especially the bit about the textbooks. they are back breakingly heavy! hehe
good job with this.
hope i have helped!