In some ways, I am the scum of the earth. People who don’t know me peer at the shabby clothes, the smell of a butcher’s abandoned shop, and unshaven face and think, ‘My, my, that piece of scum’s fallen on hard times.’ People who do know me just smirk to themselves, thinking, ‘Well, well, if it isn’t Montmorency Lucain, scum of the earth.’ Occasionally, some people who recognize the face will march up to me just to say that they don’t know who I am. People who actually know who and what I am yell abuse, usually from far away.
Bloody prejudice. It is everywhere. That’s probably why Marian and the kids went; people judging them. Well, maybe Marian went because I was skint. But the kids didn’t need to go; they were clever, perceptive, you know. I bet they could have gotten into Oxtongue University if they hadn't run away. It wasn't their fault. They just didn’t like it when they were sworn at.
Then again, maybe this new job with that nutcase Coda Wihara will help me out. Hopefully.
As I was sitting in the middle of what would be called a room, but for the bits of smashed wood everywhere, the sun rose and a sprite-mail arrived.
“This montylucain@spritemail.cty?” the tiny faerie called, opening the door cautiously.
“Yeah. This from codan3cromanc3r@spritemail.cty?” I replied, lifting my eyes from what used to be a card table.
The sprite nodded. You could tell he was new to the job; for one thing, he was young, barely five months out of the chrysalis, his front teeth bucktoothed, his fangs only just growing in. His ears were pierced just like every other adolescent in the bloody city.
For another thing, something that just screamed green, his fly was undone. It made it hard to concentrate on the e-sprite message, but no way was I mentioning the zipper. Anyway, it was fairly satisfying knowing that mortifying things happened to other people as well.
“Ahem.
Dear Monty Lucain,
“I’ve been looking around places for setting up shop. You said, somewhere secluded, so that ‘normal’ people won’t narrow their eyes at us.”
Then again, the sprite did it all with enthusiasm. He spoke with the ‘official’ voice, and even motioned, with his dextrous index fingers, ‘quotations’.
“I think I found the perfect spot. You know that place down Soul Calorie Street? The one with the mumbly people going in and coming out with wide staring eyes? The one owned by that member of the Cthulu Sect?”
I snorted. It was unspoken rule that Cthulians, although getting rich and sometimes famous during life, tended to end up with less limbs and internal organs than was comfortable for the forensic officers.
“Well, according to other people, he’s in some better place, meaning that it’s for sale! In fact, according to the estate agent, It’s even dirt cheap! So, now, waiting for the partner’s (i.e your) say-so for this purchase.”
The sprite waited, tapping his foot. “Well?” he eventually asked.
“What?” I said, mind drifting back to the matters at hand. I was concentrating on the fly and the way he was able to motion brackets.
“Well, are you going to reply just yet?”
“Erm... Just a short reply?”
“Smashing,” the sprite said, grinning.
I leant back to some rubble that used to be a sofa. It was, admittedly, a good deal. Cthulians kept the place clean, except for their remains, even if you occasionally found disturbing figurines in the cupboard; they sometimes, with keen foresight, left some welcome mints, which was nice, although somewhat eerie.
However, I really had to take a look at the place. Soul Calorie Street was a bit of a ditch; anyone not stealing, murdering, or sacrificing something to the Elder Ones was either dead or leaving. I recalled that intensely weird thing I read from the newsboard, in which a knifed guy rose from the dead to steal from his killer, his mother, and a priest who owed him money.
“Dear Coda, I’d like to have a look at this place before you buy it. Until then, just focus on the course, okay? From Monty,” I dictated. I saw the sprite’s lips move along with the message; pure fledgling that was.
He nodded, having memorized the message. He looked around, and whistled softly.
“Rough party, last night?” he asked.
“Yeah, you could say that,” I grinned, canines glinting.
And finally he was off; hopefully, someone else would point out his zipper problem.
I turned back to listening to what three doors down was arguing about.
Oh yeah; don’t call me a werewolf. Its lycan or nothing; lycan, like my ancestor Lycaon. Even though it’s never pronounced right, its better than werewolf. Lawdy, the prejudice.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Ok, well, I kinda liked it,
I didn't really find any parts funny, maybe its just that I don't get the references.
The ideas are good, but i don't know where they are, like, its an abandoned butchers shop isn't it? but where is this shop? underground? in a high rise? I really don't know.
Is the main character the werewolf? or is that what the people 3 doors down were arguing about? Yeah the ending threw me off with the talking about himself part.
-GreenGiraffe
Yo, Hero, or should I say Terry Pratchett of the future,
You're seriously only thirteen? Well you write devilishly well for somebody of your age if you are.
I thought that seeing as this piece really appealed to me, I'd drop in with a review.
What I really liked about this piece was your narrator's awesome voice. He's got great personality, and consequently your story is interesting to read. That's step one over and done with. Yes, I would certainly read on, and I've been putting down more and more rubbish of late, so you've done great.
There are a couple of things that I think can be improved upon, so let's deal with those:
Firstly, fragmentation. The most potent example of this was the following:
You suddenly revert to talking about yourself at the end of all this. This kinda threw me at first when I read it. Try to construct your path a little tighter. Not too much, mind you because doing so would undoubtedly ruin your style, but to truly trust you as a story teller, you need to show just a little more of a concrete progression in your writing. That line seems kind of random where it is.
Secondly, the urban references, such as "three doors down", I'll admit it, they're mildly entertaining. I do not however think they contribute too much to the story when their use doesn't entirely fit the scene. What kind of irked me was the seeming lack of context of,
If you are referring to a room three doors down, I do believe you should include this at no extra cost to your humor. I did like your "Oxtongue University". It had marvelous effect.
Also, I just wanted to comment on the effectiveness of the fly joke. It was rather humorous.
So, I apologize for not having anything major to add, but I really loved this and would like to be PMed upon posting of the next piece. *hint hint*
Have a great one!
Hey, I know where you're coming from. It's not impossible to make werewolves - sorry, lycans, hehe - original, but it gives you a bit of a hard task. Meyer didn't do it first, obviously, but with her being so popular at the moment it'll be hard to steer your writing well enough away from the hype to make it original. But, judging from this piece, I think you're up to it.
Did you not read it? He is a lycan! Joking, but, yeah, I know, its unoriginal, but, hey, I like wolfies. I liked them way before Stephanie Meyer released that stupid series. Suddenly, anyone who includes werewolf/werewolf-like characters are plagued with 'Meyer did it first'. She did not. All she did was... Oh dear, I'm lapsing into rant. Sorry.
Also, sorry about being too obscure and bad at all that. I got an HP Lovecraft collection book, and I just thought, hey, why not make the most of it? I may put more references, in there. You know. Just for the heck of it.
I know what Cthulhu is, it just didn't seem to make much sense.
Best not to google Cthulhu. You never know what google hits might make your eyes explode, leaving you gibbering about tentacles for the rest of your life.
*feels dumb*
Okay, I knew I should have googled that one.
I can't believe nobody is getting the Cthulhu references.
(This was awesome, by the way.)
I have to disagree with Merlin. I actually really enjoyed this, even though I had to wonder a bit about what was going on. The ideas are really fresh and I think this could be a very interesting read. I have a couple of issues with it, though.
First, the ending. It's very sudden, and was a bit of a letdown rather than the bombshell you wanted it to be. After all that originality, although I do think I've seen sprite mail a couple of times before, you have to go and make your character a werewolf. It's hard to take anything like that seriously after Twilight. However, your MC has such a great voice that I don't think I can hold it against you or anything. I'd say the way to make this a bombshell rather than just an ending that tags along to the rest of the story would be to emphasise the room's condition a little more. You don't really stress that everything's rubble. I like the subtle little inserts, but something a bit more obvious would be welcome if you want the reader to actually wonder why the room's in pieces. If the sprite's a junior, he might flinch at the mess when he comes in. That could be a way of getting some description in.
I did get most of this, but I'm assuming that this isn't the end of the chapter. If you finish the chapter here, the reader is going to be completely stumped. They'll back away, thinking this is too complex for them. You have to continue with this chapter and resolve some of the confusion you've created with the Cthulians and all. I don't actually have much more nitpicking than that, though.I enjoyed this, and your sense of humour. I hope to read the rest of the chapter - please say it's the rest of the chapter - soon.
To be honest, I really didn't get what was going on. It seems like you move too fast. Describe a bit more. You barely describe this sprite at all.
I liked the e-sprite idea, but the "e" in e-mail or e-sprite means "electronic". I don't know if your world has electricity or not, but you should mention it if it does. If not, change the e. Also, the addresses are kinda weird.
Also, you give us so many concepts without really explaining them or giving us time. This guy's a lycan, and what's up with the Cthulu people? This whole thing was just really hard to understand.
Yeah... what? What does that mean?
I may have been a bit harsh with this, but it does seriously need a big overhaul.