Sorry for change of perspective. I just felt like writing from another point of view. So, if anyone dislikes Coda, just so you know, every odd chapter is Lucain, every even chapter is Wihara. Enjoy! Or not.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that a necromancer, in possession of a small fortune, is male. Well, scratch that, I’ve already raised three dead people, and I am the heiress to the new money House of Wihara.
OK, so I’m taking the Necromancy course at Skatominic University. At least I’m in The Kudzu League. And at least I’m not failing the class.
Anyway, I hope to be independent of the stupid inheritance; after all, all its really done is get me into the high prices of Skatominic, and get men sniffing around like dogs to a juicy steak. But anyway, I think the job will work out. I’ve already got the motto worked out; ‘Lucain and Wihara: You pay us, we sniff around’. OK, its not great, but, hey, who cares in Soul Calorie Street?
“Who can tell me the precise motions of the left hand used to begin the summoning of an advanced creature of non-human origins?”
Freya gingerly put her hand, well, I suppose ‘hand’, up. “Sir, is it, like, a kind of swish to the left, like so, and then rise up four centimeters, then cover the hand with the right hand, and move to the center?”
Pr. Sorryn nodded. “Correct. Now, the history of this is rather interesting...”
The rest of us began to take notes, except for Freya the nekomata, Umbala (because he remembers things before they happen), and that weird person who only got here yesterday with the permanently ‘charmed’ expression.
“...The configuration of the planets at that time led to the League of Necromancers to adopt a new position, due to this change...”
I started to switch off; I mean, is all this necessary to raise, as the textbook’s example illustrates, a dragon? And, isn’t the name necessary as well? Why do I have to listen drivel, when I ought to be thinking about the business I’m going to start? When I’m going to raise people for other reasons than this class. Why?
“Because it’ll be on the test,” Sisyni murmured, switching on the telepathy to help him with the notes.
“...And since the original use of the left hand was for animals such as hyenas, wolves, and, yes, Freya, cats, they changed the motions to also include magical creatures...”
I’m scribbling this down; I wish I had Sisyni’s telepathy.
“No you don’t,” Sisyni replied.
Anyway, what was it? Left hand for creatures like hyenas, cats, wolves... Wolves... That led me to thinking about Monty; he’s lycanthropic. Would the left hand work for him? Or would it be a combination?
Oh dear. The entire class but me is chuckling. What are they laughing about? What did I miss? I’ll just ask Sammy or Freya about it. I don’t have to worry. No way, Petrovskei.
I moved of my dorm, finally. I mean, sure, the roommates were OK, Sekana and Reeba were alright. Its just... well, they have their problems. Like Sekana’s constant whining about how her professor sets too hard assignments, and how she’s going to complain. Like Reeba’s way of staring at me like I’m going to leap at her and eat her face. Like the two of them bringing back boyfriends, and going on and on about how I have no idea about guys.
Bless them. Just before I left, I put the rotting remains of last week’s Advanced Ritual Sacrifice Post-Graduate Course under their sofa as a goodbye present.
Of course, I’ll still be near Cork’s Glen. Actually, I went over to the Glen today, you know, topping up on the incense. Three, purple and red sticks of ‘Bold’, ‘Dreamy’, and ‘Hazardous’. I know, I know, I have a charm addiction. But who the gehenna cares? According to Monty, the police are more on cracking down on the numerous theft, everyone in Sea of Fire Avenue, and curry-donuts than the many addicts near the campus.
Sammy’s helped me renovate what used to be the storage room into a, well, bedroom. I liked it. Sammy’s good at choosing curtains.
“Now, are you sure you’re going to be alright?” he asked for the millionth time. I grinned.
“I’ll be fine. I mean, we got rid of all the bits and pieces, didn’t we?”
“Yeah, but I dunno. This is a bad street,” he muttered.
“Its not that bad.”
“It has the words ‘This is a bad street’ on the sign at the head of it.”
“Eh. I’m a necromancer.”
“Yeah, but you’re only, like, an undergraduate. I would stay here with you, but...” He drifted off, the familiar look coming back into his eyes.
“...it wouldn’t be good for the baby,” I finished, staring at the bump.
Yes, Sammy is a androgyne. And pregnant. And nothing, I repeat nothing, not a rotting corpse, not a serial killer bathing in blood, not your mother eating the body of your brother, is more disturbing and nauseating and scary than seeing him talk to the unborn thing.
So, there I was, in the room Sammy helped fix up. My conversation-ring started to glow. I tapped the emerald at the side.
“Hello?” I answered. A small, spectral image smoked out of the ruby in the middle, a familiar figure, with his blond hair slicked down with animal fat, a face clean, eyes delicately outlined in kohl.
“Hey. Just wondering if little Cody’s dead yet,” snickered my cousin, Hamada.
“Shut up, Hamada. My parents and Aunt Liliana left the money to me. And I’m fine.”
“Not got into more than you can handle with the necromancy major? Not joined an obscure and suicidal cult?”
“No to both of them. Look, if you really want cheering up, I moved in Soul Calorie Street.”
“Really?” He sounded intrigued, excited. I rolled my eyes. He was already loaded without the inheritance. Why did he want the bloody thing?
“Yeah. Setting up an investigation agency. With a lycan.”
“You mean werewolf.”
“You mean lycan. He’s very clear that ‘werewolf’ is a derogatory term.”
“Whatever. So, Soul Calorie Street then? Fighting crime? You’ll be scraped off the ground in-”
Click. I tapped the amethyst next to the emerald to disconnect. I smiled. These tech-mages really know their stuff.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Sorry about the world; I keep meaning to write a little on it, but then, well, I get distracted with thinking, 'What do I need to get the story running?' and forget about, say, giving a description of the squalor of Soul Calorie Street and the academic mayhem of Skatominic (BTW, its an anagram of Miskatonic
)
About the tense switching, I tend to write like the character is recording into a diary. Sorry 'bout that.
Also, in dialogue, I'll remember that.
Will edit the tags, though.
Yo Hero
Tense switching: It's as simple as, "don't do it." Your constant flicking from the past to the present tense is honestly rather irritating. There's nothing more to say except for this: stick to one tense.
Setting: I'm still feeling a lack of connection to your characters. You need to develop this connection through any means that you possibly can. To be able to draw us into your world, you need to actually create one. We need a little description of the setting. We need a little progression and understanding of your world. It all boils down to showing us "why" we need to feel your characters. You can do this by showing us your physical setting. You can show us more of the characters' feelings as well.
Dialogue: It's good realistic and effective. I'd change it in two ways, though. Firstly, you need to give each character a more distinct voice. We need to be able to tell them apart from merely their choice of words. A vital part to developing your characters in their entirety is giving them distinct voices. You do need to work on that a little.
Here's my promised review.
So, I liked this chapter. A lot. Your introduction of a new character sort of revived a large amount of your charm that you had in the first part of the first chapter. The light style of your story makes it easy to read, and I did like your character development quite a lot.
You still need to polish this piece up quite a bit. Let's take a look at one or two issues:
Also, I'd suggest more frequent use of dialogue tags... I think you could add a "he said" or a "Sammy said" on occasion. This allows us to know who's speaking at any given time in case we lose track and does not compromise your flow of dialogue. Do not add any fancy dialogue tags if you can help it, though.
So, I think that's about it. I really liked this chapter and hope that I've helped with this review. If you have any questions, feel free to drop a PM. I will try to provide you with what insight I can.
Have a great one!