the moon hangs above me
and though i know it's far, far away
this morning it seems to hang
just
out of
reach
and if my arms were long enough
i could simply stretch them out and grab it
and the glowing half circle would sit simply in my palm
like a common quarter
or like a disc of sugary candy, a necco wafer
and i would pluck it from my palm
and place it gently on my tongue
where it would melt
feeling like maple candy
tasting like the smell of early morning mist
and then the sky would be dark
but i would finally
finally
have some light inside
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Canary word: Present
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125,035 Literary Works • 672,918 Reviews
Hey!! Just popping in for a small review. I really loved the imagery in this poem, and even though I usually don't like this style of poem, I liked the way this one was done. I don't think another style would be as effective.
On the negative, I would have changed the comma in line eleven to a period, and then capitalized the A that comes after it.
Honestly, that's the only thing I would change, and it's really a matter of opinion. I really liked the poem, all in all. Keep up the good work!
Haha, love the concept. Eating the moon... what else is there even to write about?
I don't know much about poetry in general, but I love the imagery you get with the process of grabbing it, putting on the palm, placing it on your tongue and having it melt. You get this romantic, abstract, yet detailed feel to it, and then all of the sudden you remember the whole concept of this poem and laugh.
Great work.
Just a touch on grammar before I move on, capitalize your I's. It gives an amateur look to something, much better than that. No matter what anyone says do not capitalize the first letter of the first line. The upper case would give it a sharper edge than you would want. You use the word palm twice, and I would replace one of them (maybe the first one), because it would enhance the flow. The entire piece has a light, ethereal feel to it. That is until the last line, which adds some weight, and even a little shadow to the whole thing. Which is quite the way to end it, and I love it.
Just a small question, does maple candy have a feel to it? Maybe it does, either way I don't think it takes away from anything. I love the taste of the smell of mist. It's a great line.
Keep up the good work.
Hey! Thanks for the review! I wanted to clarify on a few points. First, since I didn't use capitilization in any other places, I didn't want to use it only for the "i"s. UNIFORMITY!!!! And second, maple candy does have a feel to it. It's kind of grainy, but that grains are just sugar that didn't melt all the way, so it's very rough and I would describe it as sweet, although that's not a feeling but it does have a lot impact in the texture. Thank you!