yes yes I know, terrible grammer, would make your english teacher cry. go ahead and corect it, just a rough draft. yes I also know it ends at a bad spot, but if it is too long, then people just skip over. hope you enjoy!
The wind was blowing at a strength that a hurricane would be proud of.
Jessica’s hair was pulled into a pony tail and still it was trying to escape.
She was skipping lunch to come here, Aunt Rosemary would not be happy to found this out. Her aunt brought the house so she could fix it and sell it again. Jessica thought that the house was an excellent place just the way it was. An old Victorian house sure needed some repairs but that’s all. Besides, this house had a story.
Some of the kids in her classes had told her the tale of the death of Dolores Limperly. It had stated like any other story, “It was a dark and stormy night.” A girl named tiffany had stated, “her parents had been throwing a party. She was sent up to her room as not to disturb the guests. After the night was done her parents had gone up to her room to say good night, they found her body slouched on the floor, a knife in her back.” They looked at her hoping she would be scared, but the opposite was true. Jessica loved murder mysteries. To find out how somebody died, that was an adventure and this new town, was going to be the greatest adventure yet. She remembered trying to get more information on the murder, but like they always did when she came to a new town, took her for a lunatic.
“Well I know there’s not much wrong with me.” She said this aloud, and then realized that she was talking to herself. “So, I’m a little crazy that’s all. I mean everybody is a little wi…” she had reached the front door and as she looked up was dumb struck. The door was old and tarnished. The old fashion knocker was made of silver and had an engraving on it. letum prope her Latin wasn’t perfect but she made out that death was near. Oh what a friendly welcome. She thought to herself. She slung her backpack off her shoulder and started to dig for the key she had snatched off her aunt’s desk. It was old and rusty, but fit the lock and turned easily. The door swung open on squeaky hinges. She took out her flashlight and shown it around herself.
She saw many old things all covered in dust and cobwebs. She walked through the rooms examining each one before going up the stairs. According to all the stories she had heard Dolores’s room would be the one furthest to the back. She tried some of the doors, but most were locked. It occurred to her that if
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi Helpless42.
I'm curious to know the meaning behind your username. On with the review!
Your story begins with great use of imagery, and there is a comical tone that makes the description more personal to the character.
The kids in Jessica's class tried to scare her ince she was was the new girl but I like that she responded opposite to what they expected. I also like this interaction between her and the students, because I think it conveys so accurately how targeted a new kid can become whether from teasing or even attention.
More than anything, your story ended on a cliff hanger and I want to know what happens next! Overall you employed great use of tension buildup with the story about Dolores' death being tied to the house and the morbid engraving on the door.
You are very good at using imagery to strengthen the visual for your scenes and I would even encourage to incorporate more (I included some specific suggestions down below which you can take as you will).
"letum prope her Latin wasn’t perfect but she made out that death was near." (I really like this detail).
Below are a few line-edit suggestions I recommend which you can take as you will:
"She was skipping lunch to come here, Aunt Rosemary would not be happy to found this out. Her aunt brought the house so she could fix it and sell it again. Jessica thought that the house was an excellent place just the way it was. An old Victorian house sure needed some repairs but that’s all. Besides, this house had a story." (This is a great prelude to hook the reader about the history behind the house. To really drive it home though I would recommend including some description about the house. Maybe focusing on what Jessica liked about it to create a more immersive visual, and you're already great at descriptions!)
"A girl named tiffany had stated..." (I would recommend that any time you introduce a character you include a unique descritpion about their personality or appearance to single them out in the reader's mind. That way it makes it easier to keep track of who is who as your story progresses. Being from your protagonist's perspective, it would also develop her character more and make her feel more real. We all carry opinions about the people we know whether we voice them or not.)
"She remembered trying to get more information on the murder, but like they always did when she came to a new town, took her for a lunatic." (does this mean she often sought out the popular murder cases in the towns she moved to? I'm curious why the people of the towns she moved to considered her a lunatic for wanting to know more about the prevalent murder cases. It's understandable that murder cases/stories would intrigue a newcomer, so maybe the townspeople might be hesitant to tell her or even warn her away from digging too deep into them. However, I like the direction you were going with this detail, further adding to how different she is from most people.)
“Well I know there’s not much wrong with me.” She said this aloud, and then realized that she was talking to herself. “So, I’m a little crazy that’s all. I mean everybody is a little wi…” she had reached the front door and as she looked up was dumb struck." (I would recommend preluding this dialogue with a short description of where she currently is because I thought she was still in her class talking to the other students, not in front of the victorian house.)
All I can say is that I realy hope you continue with this story and then post it so we can find out how it ends.
Thanks for sharing and keep writing!
- Poetry Misfit
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was not actually a very bad story, I don't know what you were so conscious about. In fact, I thought this was a rather intriguing start to the story. You have a well established character - she seems like a really energetic character and there is this lightness about her that I think will really compliment the horror vibes of this story very well. It is evident that she is very intrigued by a good mystery and she does not really get scared away by the horror stories narrated to her. She is a curious character and I personally think she is an excellent protagonist for this story.
In addition to that, you also have a solid plot. Who doesn't like a good mystery? Besides, that's not the only direction the story is seeming to go - there's elements of horror mixed in there as well. Your descriptions have already established the house as the central plot of the story and I wonder what role it is going to assume in the story. If the ominous welcome did not give it away, it is very obvious in the moment that Jessica would come to regret her words and wish that she had taken the stories seriously.
Now as you yourself are aware, there are some serious grammar mistakes and typos in the story. But they are really harmless and you can get rid of them very easily through some heavy editing. I am going to point some out for you so you can get them easily!
'found' will be 'find'.
Aunt Rosemary cannot exactly bring the house with her now, can she? The 'brought' will be 'bought'. This was a hilarious typo though.
It had 'started' like any other story. Not stated.
Club these two sentences together and put a comma instead of the first period.
I was a little confused by the way the story simply ended in the middle of a sentence. But then I realized that you have posted the rest in a comment and I was wondering why you have not just simply edited it inside the main story. Anyways, this was a solid start. Just be a little careful about the grammar mistakes and the punctuations, and I am sure you will come up with something brilliant.
Keep writing and have a great day!
i know you are aware of your many mistakes, but just for the sake of critqueing :
"Oh what a friendly welcome." should be changed to "Oh, what a friendly welcome."
opps forgot to add the rest of the paragraph. here it is.
this house was for sale, why keep the doors locked. She pondered this until she came to Dolores’s room. She pushed the door and it swung open.