Published December 20, 2008
I trace the petals with adoration,
and pray that this beauty will never cease.
But when I hope that such splendor,
such glory will never expire,
from beneath my trembling fingertips,
you stab at me.
I need to know,
why do you insist on being
the thorn on my rose?
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With who do you feel? Are you against someone? Who doesn't listens you? Which rose? That rose...what colour is it ? You have to write about the rose and with that motive symbolically express something else... You didn't do that... Or I (we) didn't understand?
The first line I actually quite like. It's a decent start to the poem, if a little unoriginal. But in terms of diction I like it. Tracing something with adoration brings good imagery. The second is boring. I think you should change it. I think the tracing with adoration has already introduced us to the idea that the narrator believes this is something beautiful, that they don't want to stop.
Suggestion: the poem lacks in real imagery. What is she tracing? Petals, yes, but what are they like? What colour are they? Why should do they be adored? Try and focus on things like this to bring the reader to the narrator's level.
Who is the 'you' in the poem? It's not clear. Is the narrator annoyed that roses carry thorns? Or is it a metaphor for love hurting? If it's the latter, it needs a lot of development. The poem should be longer. Ending in a question doesn't work. It leaves questions for the reader rather than answers. This is bad.
What I think you need to do to develop your poem is:
1. Try and write lines like the first.
2. Develop your metaphor of thorn/stabbing/love hurting or whatever your idea is. The real depth of this poem ends but it even starts.
3. Get rid of the question at the end.
4. Involve real, concrete images of the rose. Tie the narrator's emotions to actual objects.
5. Clarify the 'you' in the poem.
Good luck!
Hello there!
Is there any way you could get rid of the giant gaps between each line? It makes reading strange.
I think this is a really beautiful idea, but to me it comes off much more like lyrics to a song than a poem. It's just so short. The metaphor between someone causing pain, and the thorn of a rose is wonderful, but it is hardly developed at all. Not to mention, you miss one of the most important aspects of a poem: the reader! Why not describe the rose? What does the stab feel like, and the thorn? Use imagery, both of the eyes and the other senses, to let us feel not only the thorn of the rose, but the pain of your situation.
It also makes it hard for me to relate because I don't know what the situation is. Sometimes an open ended poem is good, but this is too vague for anyone to relate to, except for you of course. It's a great idea for a story, but I think if you lengthened it and developed it more, it would be even better.
If you have any questions feel free to message me!