Published March 23, 2005
Your long tangled hair with little peices of broken twigs
sway through the wind,
Your big goofy grin shines like the rays of the sun,
I think your smiling at me but I can't be sure,
I wish you were.
Your laugh is like a hundred angels giggling,
I laugh with you, even if its not funny,
Your baggy jeans and crumpled shirts look so good on you,
even if your mom thinks that you should iron them.
I watch you endlessly as you bang sticks with your friends
pertending that your warriors of old, killing the ememy and winning the world.
I pretend to,
I pretend that your here with me,
holding me close,
and whispering words confort in my ear,
A soft shake from my friend awakes me from my trance,
but I still stare,
wondering what it would be like to have you in my arms,
I smile.
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I think some of the line breaks and punctuation could be fixed. I don't like to read poems with really long lines like this. And sometimes you have commas where there should be periods.
Also, it's "pretend" not "pertend". Probably just a typo.
I would probably rewrite this something like:
I pretend that you're here with me,
Holding me close,
Whispering words of comfort
In my ear.
A soft shake from my friend
Awakes me from my trance,
But I still stare
Wondering what it would be like
To have you in my arms.
You don't have to separate it into stanzas, but it would probably be a good idea.
Overall, I liked it, but you need to fix some of those mechanics.
"Your big goofy grin shines like the rays of the sun, "
Talking about awkward...hm...
The rest of the poem was so so, but I cannot complain because it's better than anything I've written in the past month.