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Pale Moon, Chapter 1: Afina Senin

by hekategirl

This is like the worst thing i've ever written and should be tossed out the window and eaten by verochious dogs. And don't think i'm saying this just to get you to say 'no its not! its great!" or whatever. I wrote this years ago and wanted some feedback, since I like the plot but the overall story needs work. So here it is!

1 Afina Senin

You may think Afina Senin is an ordinary 12-year-old girl with standard IQ, average looks and a ‘normal’ family, but sadly your assumption is wrong. There is much more to Afina Senin then meets the eye…a human eye that is. What you ask? You’ll find out.

The crisp morning air blew through the window leaving the smell of autumn to lurk in my room. The purple paint on the walls was slowly chipping off and piles of books, clothes and papers scattered the floor. Everything perfect and peaceful until… RINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!! My alarm clock… guaranteed to start anyone’s day off miserably.

I pulled myself out of bed and hit my alarm clock and threw it across the room. “Have a nice trip,” I said pulling my covers back over my body. “Afina!!!!!” my Mom said as I opened my eyes but didn’t move. “What?” I yelled. “Get down here! I heard your alarm clock go off,” my mom’s voice echoed through the walls. “If only I could throw her across the room” I said getting up and walking across my piles of debris to my closet, I picked a purple skirt; a black long sleeved top, white socks and a sweater to go with it all.

I walked to the hall bathroom and opened the door…. or tried to at least. “ANTON!” I yelled. “I’ll be out in a sec,” My little brother’s voice sounded like nails going down a chalkboard. “Oh, it better be just a sec” I said. “It’s all yours” He ran out of the bathroom. I walked in. I placed my clothes on the floor and picked up the hairbrush. My mom’s sister is coming today ‘Aunt Florica’.

What kind of name is that anyway? Not to make fun of her but Aunt Florica? Anyway I think my mom got all the sane cells when they were born (They’re twins) And Aunt Florica got all the INsane ones. Like last time she was here she gave Clara (My older sister) Anton and me stuff about bats, like how to tell if their vampires or not. And it wasn’t just a joke! She doesn’t look anything like my mom either; it’s weird. She’s coming because it’s my 13th birthday today. But she hasn’t come to any of my other birthdays before; my mom says it’s some kind of ‘female ritual’. So that means I’ll have to have my real party next week.

I put the brush down, brushed my teeth and put on my clothes. I leaped down the staircase to the kitchen. “Happy birthday, Afina, glad you can join us” my mom said. “Good morning to you too” I muttered under my breath sitting down “What’s for breakfast?” I said. “Eggs, Bacon and toast” my mom said putting a plate in front of me. My mom was never much of a cook, the only thing she could really cook well was toast, sandwiches and cereal, (If you call that cooking) so as you would have imagined I stared at black strips of rubber (Bacon) and bits of gooey coal (Eggs) with toast. I looked at the clock, only five minutes before the bus came, which would give me an excuse to leave. “You know how much I love your eggs and bacon but it’s almost time to go and I wouldn’t want to be late for school,” I said. “Fine, But don’t forget this afternoon Aunt Florica is going to be here at four o` clock” my mom said. “I won’t forget,” I said grabbing my lunch and leaping out the door.

The sky was hazy and it was a little cold. Brown, orange and yellow leaves made a blanket for the ground. I smelled the cool autumn air …...It was lovely. It almost made me think seeing Aunt Florica wasn’t too bad. Almost. I met my best friend Bri Summers at the bus stop. “Happy Birthday Afina” Bri said giving me a box. “What is it?” I said shaking it. “Open it and find out,” She said. I slowly opened the blue wrapping paper to reveal a shimmering bracelet with purple stones. “Thanks, like I don’t have enough bracelets,” I said smiling. “It was either this or a remote controlled car, and I know you have enough of those” She said as the bus drove up. I put the bracelet on and threw the wrapping paper in one of the trashcans waiting to be picked up by the trash man. “You should save that paper, you know, for my birthday present” Bri said jumping ups the bus steps. “But I got you wrapping paper last year,” I said leaping after her.

The bus stopped in front of the school and Bri and I got out and walked across the dew-covered grass to the school steps. Bri and I walked through the crowded hallways to our lockers and threw our books in.

To save you hours of tedious, dreary, boring and over all dull chapters of Bri and Afina’s day at school I’ll skip the whole thing and resume when Afina and Bri walk out of school.

“24 days down an eternity to go” Bri said coming out. “Well, I’d love to stay and chat but I’ve got to get home in….” I glanced at my watch and saw it was twenty minutes till four o` clock. “…. Twenty minutes or my moms going to freak” I said. “Why?” Bri said. “My Aunt Florica’s coming for my birthday, remember?” I said. “Oh yeah, the one believes in vampires” Bri said. “Right, so you must see how excited I am!” I said sarcastically. I gradually walked down the steps to the cool green grass below. “See you Monday, or maybe Sunday if Aunt Florica leaves by then” I said as Bri waved goodbye.

When I finally reached my house it was seven after four, and Aunt Florica’s forty-year-old Volvo was parked in the driveway. I crept up the steps to the door and tried to open it so no one would hear, but my attempt failed miserably. “Afina Senin is that you? I’ve been waiting for you my sweet niece!” Aunt Florica came running up to the door and nearly hugged me to death. “Hi Aunt Florica how are you?” I said when she finally let go. “Oh, fine, but I keep hearing screams in the night, I think it’s vampire victims” She said the last part at almost a whisper. Aunt Florica was skinny, and over all small. Her hair was bright brown and in a long ponytail behind her, she didn’t wear any makeup, she was a ‘Totally Natural Woman’ as she calls it. She wore blue jeans with a long sleeved black turtleneck. She also had on black circle earrings, a long silvery necklace with spirals and a few orange barrettes in her hair.

“Come in the living room, the rest of your family is there,” She said leading me into the living room. I followed Aunt Florica into the living room to see Clara, Anton and my mom wearing pink birthday hats with the number thirteen on them. “Happy Birthday” They said together. “Thanks” I said. “But wait there’s more” Aunt Florica reached underneath the coffee table to reveal a chocolate cake that said ‘Happy Birthday Afina’ on it. “Surprise” Aunt Florica said when it was all the way on the coffee table. “So she’s here, can we eat it now?” Anton said. “Of course Anton” my mom said. “I’ll get the knife,” Aunt Florica said running in the kitchen. “Is Dad coming?” I said. “He’s coming after Aunt Florica leaves” my mom whispered with a smile. “Here we are” Aunt Florica said coming back with a knife. Aunt Florica cut the cake and it was delicious. I was surprised Aunt Florica made it.

Afterwards Anton went back to his room and Clara left to do her homework. So it was just my mom, Aunt Florica and I.

“That was a good cake, Florica, you must teach me the recipe,” my mom said trying to start conversation (Like she really wanted Aunt Florica’s cake recipe!). “Maybe tomorrow morning, before I leave” She said. “Maybe-“ my mom cut short because the phone started ringing and got up to go get it. So it was just Aunt Florica and I. Alone. Aunt Florica. And me. Alone. I’m doomed.

Aunt Florica looked around to make sure no one was coming then grabbed her purse and started searching through it. She’s probably looking for a stake to drive through my heart because she thinks I’m a vampire or something like that. I tried to think of something to say as an excuse to go in the kitchen with my mom, but nothing came to mind. Aunt Florica put her purse back down next to the couch and came out with something in her hand. “How’s school these days?” Aunt Florica looked rather nervous as she said this like she was just stalling till she got to the point. Or whenever she was ready to plunge the stake she probably had in her hand into my heart.

“Oh, Fine. Everything’s just…fine,” I said. “I’m glad,” She said. Just get it over with, Aunt Florica, kill me now. “Afina?” Aunt Florica said calmly. “Yes?” I said nervously. “Would you come with me please,” Aunt Florica said. “May I ask why?” I said. “Just because we need to and before your Mother comes back, Now HURRY!” She said. “All right” I said slightly afraid. Aunt Florica led me outside, next to her Volvo. “Hold this,” She said giving me the thing in her hand. When Aunt Florica put it in my hand it felt like I was holding a block of ice. “Stay” She said walking behind the house. I looked at the thing Aunt Florica gave to me; it had almost like an emblem on it. It was spirally like a Celtic symbol, but slightly different. I could barely make out some words in the emblem; “Vamp..So”. The rest was vague and smudged. It hung on a long, glistening chain with gold stones. As I held it in the palm of my hand it seemed to put me in a trance, I stared at it like I had seen it somewhere before. I closed my eyes and tried to think. I know I saw this symbol somewhere before, but where? Memories flashed through my head trying to find the right one. My mind tensed, it was there somewhere. I saw my mom, I saw my dad, I saw my sister, my brother, my friends, my relatives. I could see everything but that one memory.

I opened my eyes and saw that Aunt Florica was standing in front of me watching, like I was an exhibit at a museum. “What is this thing?” I said almost angry. “You should know it’s yours” Aunt Florica said. “But Aunt Florica…” I started to say but Aunt Florica interrupted me. “It’s been yours ever since you were born,” She said as if she was enjoying herself. “How cans it? I don’t remember it. And…and…and” I had so many questions but didn’t know how to ask them.

“That necklace represents the Vampiress Senin clan, it’s called the ‘Vampir Sora’ and I’m giving it to you now because every Senin girl at age thirteen becomes a Vampiress. And is asked to join the clan and perform her duties” Aunt Florica said. “Are you one?” I said not really believing my ears. “Yes and so is your mother but she refused to be one” She said. “Then that’s why you’re so crazy about vampires,” I said underneath my breath. Everything seemed like it was piecing together, but there we’re lots empty spaces in the puzzle. “What are my duties exactly?” I said. “The high Vampiress decides, so I have no way of knowing what they are,” Aunt Florica said. “But if my mom denies it why should I become one? This makes no sense!” I said thinking that following Aunt Florica would just mean trouble. “Because she has no sense in her and so shall you if you don’t come with me, we need as many Vampiress’s as we can get to help with our battle” Aunt Florica said. “What battle?” I said. “Too many questions!! We must leave now,” She said.

“But how do we get out of here without anyone noticing?” I said. “Like this” She said. Aunt Florica snapped her fingers and her body magically changed into a lovely brown bat that circled around my head like a fly. “Now you try,” Aunt Florica squeaked. A BAT! Aunt Florica wants me to change myself into a BAT! “You’re crazy” I said, but regretting it afterwards. “Come on it’s fun,” she said flying around more. She’s got to kidding. “Here’s how you do it, imagine the bat you want to be. Then imagine yourself being that bat then *snap* you’re a bat” Aunt Florica said. “That sounds WAY to easy” I said. “Just try it, we need to be as quick as possible,” She said. “Fine” I said. I thought about a little black bat flying in circles over my head, then I thought of me…Being that bat (Yuck!). Then*snap* I snapped my fingers and closed my eyes. I held them there for about thirty seconds, and then I got enough courage to open them…slowly. When I did I nearly fainted. I WAS A BAT!!! “Now come on, just follow me,” Aunt Florica said. “O.O.O…K.K” I said shakily.

The cool evening air blew against my face; the stars twinkled in the sky. It was actually kind of nice being a bat. Aunt Florica flew at my side, with much more ease then me of course. “Where are we going anyway?” I said feeling more comfortable. “To The Vampiress Senin Heart” She said doing a loop in the air. I could tell this was her favorite part of being a Vampiress. “Which is…?” I said. “You shall see,” She said. I flew through the air trying to do loops and twists like Aunt Florica but they came out disastrous; instead of a loop I did an AHHHHH!!! I’m falling!’ and instead of a twist I did an AHHHHH Aunt Florica!!! I’m falling!!’

Later, after we’d been flying for about an hour I asked: “How long does it take to get to The Vampiress Senin Heart?” “Shhhhh, we mustn’t surprise the others or they will attack” Aunt Florica whispered. I stopped talking and flew over to Aunt Florica; she was looking around. Almost like she was searching for something. “Follow Me,” she said quietly as she flew towards a large hill covered with moss. I followed Aunt Florica until she stopped instantly in front of the hill. “Now what?” I said trying to be as quiet as possible. Aunt Florica motioned to follow her down on the ground below the hill and I did. “Turn human again,” She said as she settled herself on the ground. “The same way I turned myself into a bat?” I said. “Yes” Aunt Florica said changing herself back human. So I did. I thought of being myself again running around enjoying myself then *snap* I was me again!! “Come with me” Aunt Florica said walking up to the hill. “What are we going to do, phase through?” I said. “Stop fooling around and listen” Aunt Florica said. “Deschis Senin Clan Spre Pe Mine” Aunt Florica sung these words as if they were sacred.

Aunt Florica backed away from the hill next to me and watched. “What were you saying?” I said amazed. “Open Senin Clan To Me” She said. “It sounded more spectacular than that,” I said. Aunt Florica smiled and kept watching the hill, what was she looking for? But as I looked closer I could see the hill was parting. I could see shining black stones and people through the crack as it parted. “This is The Vampiress Senin Heart” Aunt Florica said walking towards the crack. I trailed after her as the crack became big enough to fit through. Aunt Florica walked slowly in and so did I. Inside was extravagant, emblems similar to mine hung on the walls, shining black and white stones were lined on the table and chairs. A fire was roasting in the center of the room. And people were drinking what I thought was Blood. Everyone inside was wearing magnificent black dresses and capes. Some were in bat form. Aunt Florica led me in further and motioned me to sit down on one of the black stoned chairs. “Wait here and I will get an elder to speak and explain,” She said walking away. Sitting in The Heart was like being inside a Medieval Castle, everything seemed cold and everyone looked very serious about why they were here and you knew at any time one of them could kill you. I still had the ‘Vampir Sora’ in my hand and put it on. It made me feel less like a sore thumb sticking out in the crowd.

Aunt Florica came back with an old woman dressed in a black cape and a necklace that looked like a ‘Vampir Sora’. “This is Minunat Senin, head Senin Vampiress. She’s here to explain everything,” Aunt Florica said. “Good Evening” Minunat Senin said stretching out a hand. “Good Evening to you to” I said shaking her hand. “Minunat is going to tell you about the battle I mentioned” Aunt Florica said. “I can speak for myself,” Minunat said. “Anyway, yes, I am going to tell you about the battle. So to begin my story,” Minunat Senin said clearing her throat. “A long time ago Vampires and Vampiresses lived in peace, living and playing together without quarrel. Till one day it all changed…” Minunat Senin talked very powerful and stern that every word she breathed was hypnotizing. “On December 15 1412 a Vampire named Dement and a Vampiress named Ura were hunting in Transylvania when Dement tried to bite Ura because they had a bad night hunting. Ura was shocked and hit Dement in the teeth. And if you hit a vampire in the teeth and it knocks the teeth out it doesn’t kill them but their soul drifts away, and this is what happened to Dement and the Vampires were taken aback and swore never to mingle with the Vampiresses again. And soon the Vampiress were outranged at Ura and decided to put her in exile; alone forever. But a few people stuck up for Ura and said that Ura had a right to be free and went away with her and they became The Ura clan. And then more and more quarrels appeared inside the Vampiresses and they broke up into four clans: The Stat Clan, The Sever Clan, The Liber Clan and The Senin clan. Now all of the clans didn’t want to kill the other clans, but The Stat did and started to attack the other clans. And so the other clans had to fight back.

Soon all the clans were in a bloody battle between them. After a while the battling stopped and there was peace for five-hundred-years you’d think they’d be done! But no The Stat’s ancestors were thirsty for battle and in 1948 they declared war once more against the other four, and that is the battle we are in now” Minunat Senin stopped and sat down next to me.

“Do I have to fight in the battle?” I said. “Not fight but help anyway you can, are you prepared to serve the Senin clan, Afina?” Minunat Senin said this so beautiful and strong that it almost seemed that all she needed to do was say that and I’d make up my mind, but it wasn’t her or Aunt Florica or anyone or anything else that made my decision strong; it was me. Inside of me I could see that this was it, this was right, this was true, this was my path, this was I. I stood up and bowed to Minunat and to Aunt Florica and said, “Yes, Yes… I will”

As you can see Afina Drept Senin is not ordinary, average, standard or normal she’s a Vampiress and proud of it.

Here Ends Chapter One

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28 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 28

Sun May 11, 2008 11:57 pm
helpless42 wrote a review...

its really good. Im totally into the whole vampire thing and this is great for your age. you could space it out a little more though. when I looked at this before a read it(because I always do, horrible habit. dont do it because it stops you from reading so great stuff.) it was all squished together and stuff. what went through my mind was, "whoa, this is going to take a while." the more white space you have theasier it looks. just an FYI.

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323 Reviews

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Reviews: 323

Fri Apr 15, 2005 8:27 pm
hekategirl says...

Sorry Bobo, i'll try to break it up, and just FYI, the reason she finds out she is a vampire now is because I am planning on writing another story, the same length as this one, about another girl from another clan, and then another until all of the clans have a story like the one above. And eventually all the girls will meet and...well...I don't want to give away the ending ;)

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481 Reviews

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Reviews: 481

Sat Apr 02, 2005 8:29 pm
Bobo says...

Two words: paragraph indications. I'm sure this story is worth reading, but my attention span won't allow me to read anything that isn't clearly broken up into paragraphs.

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685 Reviews

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Reviews: 685

Sat Apr 02, 2005 4:14 pm
Rei wrote a review...

yes. It does show promise for a beginner. However, I think the word cliche has become a cliche. I wish people would stop worry about being so new and fresh that everything they do has never been seen before. Just worry about writing a good story. There's also a big difference between using conventions and using a common idea for lack of any other idea.

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3747 Reviews

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Reviews: 3747

Sat Apr 02, 2005 7:48 am
Snoink wrote a review...

I'm not into the vampire stuff much, so I won't comment on the story too much. I found it rather cliched, but promising for an 11 year old. When I was 11, I was also writing a cliched story too, so I suppose it's a trend. ;)

What I will say about it is to make sure that you "ease" the reader into the story, like Misty said. This can be done by expanding on your character more and by drawing the setting through the use of description. This is tough to do and everyone has their own thoughts on how to do this. I'll let you alone on this so you can figure this out yourself, however, if you have any questions on how to do this, just ask.

However, your grammar was a little bit lacking. This is okay, since you're young yet, but you must get better at it soon! Here's a small reference:

Dialogue Grammar

Memorize the following rules:

“That sucks,” he said.

“That sucks!” he said.

“Does that suck?” he said.

“That sucks,” he said, slapping his knee.

“That sucks!” he said, slapping his knee.

“Does that suck?” he said, tilting his head.

“That sucks.” He slapped his knee.

“That sucks!” He slapped his knee.

“Does that suck?” He tilted his head.

Anything which isn’t being said gets a new sentence. Anything which is being said is on the same sentence. Follow the same structure and you will be a happy writer.

Good luck on your stories!

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129 Reviews

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Reviews: 129

Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:36 am
Mattie wrote a review...

I like vampires, I really do. If you read almost everything I've ever written you'll see that it's true. :) Although this is the kind of writing that you would expect from an eleven year old as Misty said. I still write about vampires too so I don't know why I'm saying this. I think the plot is good but you really should take your time when letting the reader find out that the main character is a vampire. That could be used as a reason to write a sequel and you could put it in the end of your book instead of the beginning. The character is believable though and I like the way she talks. Like a normal teenager as you said! :) I hope to read more of this story. Since you're an eleven years old you should appreciate that a fifteen year old would like to actaully read more. :) I think I'll post what I thought was maybe the best part of your story:

My mom was never much of a cook, the only thing she could really cook well was toast, sandwiches and cereal, (If you call that cooking) so as you would have imagined I stared at black strips of rubber (Bacon) and bits of gooey coal (Eggs) with toast.

That describes my mom and dad so much. All we usually eat is take out. :) But how can you really get tired of McDonald's fries? :) Come on now!

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493 Reviews

Points: 1040
Reviews: 493

Thu Mar 24, 2005 4:05 pm
Misty wrote a review...

Hmmm..well the plot was interesting, I suppose, but I guess it just wasn't my type of story. The beginning and the end were sort of weak, and the writing level is amateur, but what can you expect from an 11 year old? On the other hand, I think it's amazing for an eleven year old, and if I had been able to write like this when I was your age I would already be published. Still, the development was kind of weak, and it was like a slap in the face when I found out she's a vampire. For me, I need to be eased into this. I hope that helped and wasn't too harsh, because I really respect and admire your writing skills, especially for your age.

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148 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 148

Wed Mar 23, 2005 8:43 pm
ohhewwo wrote a review...

This is a pretty interesting and creative story. If you revised it, and added on to it, then it would be better.

There are some adjectives that need to be changed into adverbs. Also the dialogue was hard to read; start a knew paragraph when each person speaks.

I think you should stick with it. Very good.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown