Young Writers Society

There are a few technical errors.
Firstly, I think you used the wrong "flare". Isn't it supposed to be 'flair'? Because "flare" means to ignite, and "flair" means beauty, style. Or is it supposed to be like that? I just felt it didn't fit.

Also, I think you should've put commas between 'their words their flare (or flair)'', because it gives a better look and reading sense. Just my opinion.
Aside from this, you spelled 'beautiful' wrong, and the plural of sky is 'skies', not 'skys', and the plural of spy is 'spies', not spies. And you have made wrong use of the word ''their.''. In the sentence 'the way they said THEIR were no lies '', it should be THERE.
Also, the line ''no one could even sneeze'' doesn't really fit. I mean, sneezing isn't really bad or anything, is it?

The theme of the poem is quite good, but unless you correct the grammar mistakes, it doesn't seem very presentable. Please take this as constructive criticism. I'm not trying to offend you in any way.
Keep trying. You have potential!

Misty

Far be it for me to discourage you, but to be honest, I wasnt that thrilled with either poem. Granted, this is only my opinion and dont let it deter you from writing more, because - as everyone else has said - its great to see another budding writer join us on this site !

Most of my critique is based on rhythm, spelling, and the lack of imagery. You'll have to excuse me if I'm a bit blunt, but I dont believe in softening stuff when it comes to editing and etc.

Version 1:

The way the angels took me there,
The way they spoke,
Their words their flare,

Firstly, these last two lines should be one line. Also (no offense, I used to use this kind of rhythm too) your rhythm is too fast. It seems rushed and - I dont know, awkward. This topic lends itself more to a contemplative, dreamy style, which is not what you are cultivating here.

The way they said "hello" "good day",
The way they told me to always pray,

A word of advice - if I were you, I wouldnt involve dialogue in poetry at this stage. It doesnt add anything except what is to me a cringe factor, and its clunky - it seems like you're trying too hard to make it rhyme. Also, the repetition of "the way" is getting old, and the second line is too long, it breaks the rhythm and rushes it even more. You want a steady, even tempo. Try reading it out loud and using a metronome, maybe. That might help

The shifting clouds the beutiful skys,
The way they said their were no lies,

As has been pointed out, "beutiful" should be "beautiful". I like the "shifting clouds" - it adds a good bit of imagery after a long stretch of barren verse. The line after it seems like a non sequitur, though. It doesnt make much sense to me, logically speaking. Again, it seems like you're stretching the rhyme a bit.

Everything was very leaven,
Then I knew I was in heaven.

I cant believe nobody else commented on this. What do you mean by "leaven"? According to my dictionary, "leaven" is a noun or a verb - NOT an adjective - that means either a substance used to produce fermentation in dough or a liquid; an influence that lightens or modifies something; or to raise and/or puff up with a leaven. (As a verb, to cause to rise. As a noun, an ingredient incorporated into bread dough which causes the dough to rise through the release of CO2 through either a chemical process (as baking powder and/baking soda) or through a metabolic process of fermentation. With thanks to GOOGLE) I dont mean to be harsh, but this is a blatant disregard of good sense in my opinion. I do understand how difficult it is to rhyme "heaven" (eleven? seven? gah!) though, and I like the last line. It wrapped it up very neatly.

Version 2:

As for version two, to those lines that stayed the same, the same criticism applies. As to the other lines...

The way they said their were no spys,

"There" and "spies". Pay attention!

It felt like everything was well,
It felt as if I was under no spell,

I'm not fond of the inverted grammar here. These lines are too short, too, in my opinion. They break up the rhythm.

The soft gentle breeze,
No one could even sneeze,

Again, grammar and syntax! It still feels like you're stretching it with this rhyme, although it could just be my aversion to the rhyme scheme you have going thats affecting the way it reads. Not sure. I'd alter the a/a format to a/b/a/b if I were you. Might be smoother.

Overall, a good effort for your age. You've got a lot of potential so please dont let my review deter you from pursuing it. You could benefit from a different rhyme scheme and the inclusion of a great deal more imagery. Keep working on it!

The first poem was better than the second. But I did not like the last two lines of the first, they were....they were just weird.

In the second one, the rhymes (sp?) seemed a lot more forced.

Overall, if you keep working, you could make a magnificent poet! I think it's great that you are starting at such a young age, too! So keep writing, you have tons of potential!

I liked the second one - though it was a bit repetative for you age it is amazing how you write really it is yet again we need more imagry... but very well done
wu x

The way...the way...the way...the way...I must admit, this gave me a headache.
Somehow, this poem reminded me of the book and movie "Seven People You'll Meet in Heaven." I have no earthly idea why, but that's a good thing because I loved that book/movie (except for the few confusing parts here and there). I still liked it though, it's one of those things I have been trying to write on for years, but can never seem to squeeze it out...good work. And for eleven years old? GOD....I was NOT writing like this at your age.

I like the first one better; it's more concise and doesn't contain as much fluff as the first one. However, you do need to proofread it. For instance, "beautiful" is misspelled as "beutiful" (it's a mistake I make all the time too...), and "skys" should be "skies."

As it is, though, I like the rhyme scheme you have going on, and the lines all have a very nice flow to them. The exception to this are the last two lines, which didn't really seem to fit. But the rest was good, and I certainly enjoyed the read!

Oops! I think I posted this in the wrong catorgory! sorry!