Published February 7, 2005
This is probably junk, but I wanted to know what you guys though of it.
I walked along the ground, crushing the crinkled leaves that lay in my way.
Thoughts of butterflies and birds swirled in my head, there was nothing more beautiful then them in the world, nothing that I would see, nothing that anyone would see. Never again anyway. Everything that was kind and beautiful in this world was either gone or soon gone.
I stopped my awkward steps and turned to the bright yellow sun. Long oaks reached their branches to the sky, to heaven.
Their little leaves blew in the breeze, waving to me, waving hello, waving goodbye, it didn't matter to some people. But to me they were waving goodbye, "Goodbye" "Goodbye" "Goodbye"
Tears sprang from my eyes, they were waving goodbye, I knew they would. They waved to me the same way they waved to my sister; slowly and kindly, but goodbye all the same. "Goodbye" "Goodbye" "Goodbye"
"Goodbye," I said and turned to walk up through the trees up trough the branches up to the sky, up with my sister.
This idea came to me last night, like I said it's probably junk.
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141,376 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well we're starting off on quite a gloomy note there. Given the title of this piece I suppose that isn't necessarily that big of a surprise here...so let's see whereabouts this might be trying to head in. From the start of things here there's a good sense of something ominous building up but there's not quite enough detail for us to come to much of a conclusion about anything here, so let's see how things develop.
Okay this is an interesting contrast there to be slipping into. The imagery there with the trees seems more like the sort of thing you would see on a much calmer note in most stories but here that sort of calmness lends itself in a bit of a more eerie note with these goodbyes and while that calmness is still somewhat there, its mixed in with something a lot closer to fear here.
Well that ending certainly seems to sum up the general sense this opening gave us there. Its quite a bit shrouded there but I get the feeling this person just went through some sort of death related situation and they ascended into some sort of afterlife towards the end. It certainly matches up with the imagery we had going on so far and I think its therefore proceeds to wrap itself up quite nicely here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Alright. I have to say that I didn't understand the plot line-is she committing suicide or something-but it is definitely a well written story. I like the ending and the beginning.
I especially love the line "Thoughts of butterflies and birds swirled in my head, there was nothing more beautiful then them in the world''.
Could you please PM and tell me if you have the time? Is she going to commit suicide or die from some disease? Thanks!
And it's not junky.
Mysticalxx
It was interesting. I felt like there was something being said there that wasn't obvious, like poetry. Does need work, however. Just on the formatting, I think. It's a neat idea and has a lot of potential, if you keep going with it.
It's not junk! It's a very nice little story, though it would nice if it was a bit longer.
But very well done!!!
Kelsi =)
No, is not junk. I liked it. Is very good and touching. You are very young but you have a way of saying things that are very deep.
Abbie
You really know how to mean something without actually saying what you mean...does that make sense? Well anyways I liked this.
For some reason that tree reminded me of Adonis, if you know the story, call me weird but hey...
Great JOB!!!
Unlike to everyone else, this made total sense to me.
Do i have a problem or does everyone else?
Aside from a few spelling mistakes i thought this was great. Definately worth reading it for me. But yeah, you couldnt go wrong with a few tweaks here and there. Maybe make it a bit longer, i dont know. Point is, good work.
Keep it up.
I like the picture you're creating, the whole idea with the trees and branches is great, but you definitely need a few tweeks for this to make more sense>.<
The main issue I had was with
"...Their little leaves blew in the breeze, waving to me, waving hello, waving goodbye, it didn't matter to some people. But to me they were waving goodbye..."
What the heck are they waving? Other people? HUH?! Just flesh it out a bit, it'll definitely help.
I also agree with Sam... throw in some formatting to make it more powerful. You've got a good start, now run with it!
It's probably too early to tell- but WHAT? This is mucho confusing, sorry. Is this person like dead or something? sometimes leaving little teeny hints to make us think is a good thing, sometimes it's not.
Had to add the double-space in there for fun.
SPEW responsiblity. He he.
But to me they were waving goodbye, "Goodbye" "Goodbye" "Goodbye" - Cool idea. I think with a bit of tweaking you could make this line work, but right now it's a little bit redundant. You already told us they were saying 'goodbye', right? why do you have to tell us three more times? We're not stupid. I think the line would be best like this (remember, only a suggestion):
"To me the waves were waving, waving goodbye, goodbye...
goodbye. "
Sorry...
On a scale of one to ten in confusion, the last line ranks up there about a 9.8. yeah. I think that one needs some tweaking. Is this person dead? Who is there sister?
I'm sorry if I made this sound terrible with all my tweaks...
I thought it was actually pretty good. I'm just trying to help you make it even better.
Its not junk! DONT CALL IT JUNK.
I think it just needs a little, looking at. Make it longer, try harder at it.
P.s
This is coming from a person who find it hard to spell accutrite. See? It isnt even right!