Young Writers Society

Aha was looking for a poem about graveyards believe it or not. So let's take a look at this shall we?

So it's definitely on the dark side of poetry - heavy handed with the dark imagery.

I think to take this to the next level there are a few that can be done:

1) Take a second look at word choice

in dark poems like this, the limit is your imagination! You've got some very poignant imagery-laden lines in the middle section, but the book ends are rather generic, and don't really pack as much punch. Rather than saying it's a "sad asylum" is there something a bit more vivid you could describe it with? In fact I'm not quite sure why the word asylum is being used, because this seems a bit more like a hell or graveyard, whereas sometimes asylums are quite nice.

2) Reveal why the speaker is in the setting

you've started to engage with an interesting narrative by the end of the poem looking at what the speaker is missing back at home but we don't get to hear how they got to this hellish place, and I think a hint of it, would make the story a bit fuller.

3) Take out contradictions, or clarify them

there were a few things that seemed contradictory

first) you describe tears in one place as black, and another as white, is this symbolism or just picking random colors? I'd pick one, or change the second descriptor.

second) at the very end of the poem you call it a "graveyard of sorrow and joy" and that really leaves me clueless for how the speaker is getting any joy from the place - I think that needs to be dived into a bit more rather than just ending on that big question mark.

Hope that gives you some areas to work on!

Happy writing!

~alliyah

good job, it sounds like you put some heart into it; it sounded very real . i thought it was sorta funny when you were talking about the spell "cheaker", im not trying to be nit picky, i just thought that it was ironic, how you said you would use the spell check, when you spelled checker with an extra "a" and no "c" :thumb: good job though. lol

*dials 911*

Yes, officer, we have a Poe clone on the loose...

(I already told you what I thought lol...mucho goodness)

Yes, yes, I ment guillotines. I am the world worst speller but now that thier is a spell cheaker maybe that won't happen as much

I like it pretty much the way it is. Just one stupid little thing: What are guilitiens? Did you mean guillotines, the thing they cut people's heads off with in the French Revolution? Or is it something else?

This was nice. Here's my suggestions:

The clouds are dark (I think you should start it differently. This isn't very capturing)

and the rain falls black (nice description. I like rain falling black )

as the crow sings a song of death (I think you should use a different word than sing. Perhaps 'croons' or 'wails'. Something not so pretty sounding)

my hope is on the ground in peices (Beautiful, but pieces is spelled wrong)

and twisted tears fall down my face (Try using another word for twisted. Perhaps 'wretched' or soemthing more powerful)

nothing can save me from this sad asylum (Are you speaking figuratively or literally? Just wondering. If you are speaking literally, you need to watch your stuff about crows)

of bloody shrieks and white teared cries (*shivers* nice description)

of crooked bodies and broken bones (*shivers again* same as aboce. Very good)

of peircing screeches and ripping flesh (Descriptive but piercing is spelled wrong and try using a different word than 'ripping' to make it cool)

this sad asylum of which i live (Poetic. good)

is a world of the unseen, the unwanted and the unforgiving. (beautiful)

you can hear whips and guilitiens everywhere you step (Very descriptive again)

i wish that this place wasn't real (Good thought, but try wording it differently. How about 'If only this place did not exist' then you might add something about 'if only's being futile)

if it was i could go home (Again, try wording it differently)

be safe and warm with my family (Needs more description)

forget i was ever here. (Nice, but I would suggest wording it differently)

but i can never go back (I think you should word this one, 'but to my home I can never return'. Sounds more poetic)

i'm stuck. (Nice. I don't like the word stuck, but it works here)
forever. (nice line break)
In a graveyard of sorrow and joy. (strong ending. Very nice!)

I really liked this. Keep writing and good job

Yes, indeed it was very graphic, but also very powerful. This really transported me into the place you're describing. I think it needs to be this graphic, or else it won't have the same effect. However, I would have liked more images of the place the narrator wanted to go back to.

It started off fast paced, and had a neat little rhthym to it. However, when I reached "of bloody shrieks and white teared cries" there was an extreme lack of interest. I think there may have been too many graphics, not only that, nothing was ever really explained, which made it hard to keep up with.

This was great.

But I think that the last half, except for the last line, where the lines start to get shorter, just dosen't flow. Well, it flows, but it just dosen't fit in with the rest of the poem. I think the "I's" can go. I know you say "me" before them, but they still just don't fit in, in my oppinion.

But, again, this was awesome. Well done.