Published September 3, 2005
"Close your eyes"
"No, no, I don't want-"
"Close your eyes it makes everything seem better"
"But-"
"Close your eyes, Sierra"
"No...no..not now."
Fire circled around me, large blue and red flames wisping up and down. I could taste the burning heat.
"Everything will seem better..."
"No!"
My feet went icy cold, I could feel sweat dripping down my face.
"Get me out! No!" I tried to move but my body was stiff, like I was a statue standing and awaiting my death.
"Close them, Sierra, you can close..."
"Stop this! let me go!" My tounge went compleatly dry, I could feel my throat close...
"Don't do this, Sierra, just close your eyes"
My chest burned, my legs and arms felt like barbed wire were wrapped around them, slowly tightning...
"Do it!" The previously placid voice roared into my ears.
"No, no," I was gasping for breath, steaming tears ran down my cheeks. My body burned and burned, red hot agony sorrounded me. I was on fire.
"Don't let me die!" My voice was raspy, I could feel flames creeping up my throat.
"Please, don't let me die! please don't let me die!"
My body sizzled and crumbeled, I could feel the life drifting out of me...
"NO!" I sat up in bed my sheets were soaked with sweat, so was my entire body. The buzzing clock read 4:37.
"Don't...let...me...die, but...dream, just dream."
I collopsed in my sweat drenched blankets.
"Dream, just dream."
I couldn't think straight, my breathing was deep and my chest was hard. I wanted to change my sheets but I was too weak...too weak...
"Please..don't let me die, I can't die...I need him, not..die"
~
"Its 9:30, time to get up" My mom left the door open as she walked out of the room.
"Wake?" Where was I? Who was I? What was I doing here?
"Come on, Sierra, time to get up...NOW"
I was suddenly snapped back into reality.
I am Sierra Johnson, I live in New Haven CT, I'm 13, I have brown hair, black eyes, ...my whole personal profile flicked into my mind. It took less then a second.
"OK, I'm comin'," I threw the covers off of me and walked wobbely off my bed and into the kicthen.
"Its Saturday! Farmers market day!" My mom said, while she washed a dish that was oviously from her breakfast.
"Oh joy, when are we leavin'?" I said sarcasticly.
"As soon as your ready, so hurry up"
I hated the farmers market, everytime I go my friends try to get me too watch some stupid magic show there. Lets hope they don't do it again or I might punch them.
~~~~
I have more but I need to finish this one chapter but I have to leave so I'll finish it later and post it.
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141,424 Literary Works • 674,403 Reviews
Ah yes, here we are again.
Got rid of the nos again. It was bothering me, and it's rather repetitive. I was gasping for breath, steaming tears ran down my cheeks. My body burned and burned, red hot agony sorrounded me. I appreciate the pun, but it's not particularly funny at the moment.
"Don't let me die!" My voice was raspy, I could feel flames creeping up my throat.
"Please, don't let me die! please don't let me die!"
My body sizzled and crumbeled, I could feel the life drifting out of me...
ACK! DOWN WITH THE 'NO!' I sat up in bed. My body-and my sheets- were soaked with sweat. Took the liberty of playing with your sentence a bit, making it shorter.. The buzzing clock read 4:37.
"Don't...let...me...die, but...dream, just dream."
I collopsed in my (you already said they were sweaty)drenched blankets.
"Dream, just dream."
I couldn't think straight, my breathing was deep and my chest was hard. I wanted to changeYou've already said sheets, and you'd probably want to change your pajamas too so I got rid of the sheets. but I was too weak...too weak...
"Please..don't let me die, I can't die...I need him, not..die"'
Very good, m'dear. The second part is cool...DIE PUPPET SHOW...
^^ taken straight from dictionary.com
Part of suspense means not totally knowing what's going on. Unfortunately...well...we have a complete picture in our minds for the beginning. So, it's STORY MAKEOVER TIME! WAHOO!
Tips (oh yes, fun)
1. Make it as short as possible. Shorter and easier makes it faster to read, which, if it's done well, will make our heart beat a little faster. Always fun to mess with peoples minds.
2. (You do this pretty well...but just a reminder) Describe as wholly as you can what the protagonist's body's doing during that time. Eww...sick, not like that, but the sweat and the shaking and the burning and the barfing and all that other fun stuff.
Let's take it a section at a time, shall we?
'"Close your eyes, it makes everything seem better"
I deleted a couple of lines here because it was repetitive. You don't have to say the same thing twice, we're not that stupid. (Well, some of us are, but that's against the point.
"But-"
"Close your eyes, Sierra"
"No...no..not now."
Ahh, doesn't that sound so much better?
Fire circled around me, large blue and red flames wisping up and down. I could taste the burning heat. What does it taste like? I've never tasted heat before '
On to section two...
'"Everything will seem better..."
"No!"
My feet went icy cold Woah...I thought she could taste heat..., I could feel sweat dripping down my face.
I tried to move but my body was stiff, like I was a statue standing and awaiting my death. Get me out... I transposed the two parts and made the 'get me out' a thought, because it's awkward the way it is. Got rid of the 'no' because it appears to be your favorite word, and I'm feeling particularly evil.
"Close them, Sierra, you can close..."
"Stop this! let me go!" My tounge went compleatly dry, I could feel my throat close...
"Don't do this, Sierra, just close your eyes"
My chest burned, my legs and arms felt like barbed wire were wrapped around them Suppose we're stupid. What would barbed wire feel around your arms? (I really do like the 'slowly tightening' bit, it's so cool), slowly tightning...
"Do it!" The previously placid voice roared into my ears. '
Meh, stupid computer. Be right back.
Yeah your welcome. I'm glad you posted it, I really like the beginning it makes me want to read more.
Ick, I shouldn't have posted this. I'm still working on it and I'm going to cut out everything after her dream. I forgot to spell cheak it too, I was in kind of a rush because Sam wanted to see it
but thanks!
Captalize the second please
It's spelled crumbled.
It's spelled collapsed.
It's wobbly not wobbely.
It's spelled obviously.
Yeah it's a good start, you could use more description though. Are her friends 13 too? They want her to watch a magic show? Towards the ending it starts going slow and it gets kind of boring. I mean no offence. Yeah but I like it.