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defeating jetlag in advance

by heath


one hour later every night of

battering

your

well-being

tonight's bed time is

3 a(bloodshot eyes)m


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Points: 1438
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Sun Aug 28, 2016 4:16 am
deleted21 wrote a review...



Hello there!

I find jetlag rather interesting, haha! :P I mean, time zones stink, no doubt, but, jetlags are pretty cool! Contradictory statements, I know! >.<

First off, nice format there, if you could turn this into some shape poem, it'd be pretty amazing, with more stanzas and contents. Short poems are fun but, I'd love to see this particular poem a little longer.

You could also make this a lot relatable to readers as many of us experience this, if you could, that'd be a pretty cool success. You could tell a story here! I really do hope it wasn't this short because it's not an usual topic you see a poem about everyday, so, it could turn out to be more interesting! In the final stanza, "Bloodshed eyes" sounds little extraordinary, though! xD

Anyway, not much to critique here but, I hope you have fun writing. But, I would suggest you to try writing another poem on jetlag and tell us a story! :D Good luck!

Also, Hello from my team- Team Jawbreaker! :D

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heath says...


thank you! both you and ripplegylf seem to be saying that the poem definitely has room to get longer.



heath says...


edit: both of you did not say that, but anyway thank you for reviewing.


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deleted21 says...


^^



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Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:17 am
RippleGylf wrote a review...



Hello! Ripple here on this fantastic Review Day!

I'm assuming this come from personal experience, and is merely meant to express that, rather than some rant on the meaning of life and our eventual destruction. :D It's rather short, but for expressing a single moment in time, it works fairly well. Concise, and to the point.

One gripe I have with it is that without the title, I would have no context for the poem. Yes, there is indeed a title, and yes, I understand perfectly what the poem is getting at, but it's just a minor peeve.

The (bloodshot eyes) seems a bit random, but still fits with the overall tone of the piece.

The shaping of the poem is well-fitting. It really reinforces that disjunctive, sleep-deprived mood.

Overall, there's not much to critique. It accomplishes its purpose, and does it rather well. I think you could definitely expand upon this, as it is incredibly short. Keep writing!




heath says...


thank you! i worried about the context, but it's generally about staying up later and later every night to adjust to a new time zone. it can get quite tiring, and that's where the bloodshot eyes come from. i think i'll edit a bit.



RippleGylf says...


It wasn't the words so much as the placement that was random.



heath says...


i see.




It is a happiness to wonder; it is a happiness to dream.
— Edgar Allan Poe