z

Young Writers Society



dealeated

by heart_of_the_artist


deleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleateddeleated

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User avatar
22 Reviews

Points: 1459
Reviews: 22

Donate
Wed Apr 22, 2009 9:38 pm
AliceRose wrote a review...



Well, I really liked what you did, and this isn't much of a review since I'm not really much of a nitpicky person. I really enjoyed it and I hope to see more of it.

I really would've liked to know what happened with the guy in the cabin though. :)




User avatar
104 Reviews

Points: 1499
Reviews: 104

Donate
Wed Apr 15, 2009 7:59 pm
Storm_Bringer wrote a review...



Hello! ^_^

Nice story you have here. I think its coming along, but a few things:

-For every post do two reviews. You only have three and this is your second post. Remember YWS has a 2:1 ratio.

-I think you should change the rating from PG to PG-13 because of some of the language.

- You don't have a lot of dialogue tags... Which I'm a little suprised at. Dialogue tags are things like "he said, she said," stuff like that. So here are some links to help you on that.
-Dialogue Tags
-Dialogue Punctuation

Okay-dokey, onto the:

Nitpicks!!!


You liked my paper right Sara?

It should be:
You liked my paper, right, Sara?

“Uggh”

Should be: "Uggh." Or with a comma if you add dialogue tags. Which you should. This is a good place for them.

argued “it was a date.

Should be:
argued, "It was a date.

there to Janie

To is too.

“Whoa, Janie.

This sounds like she is saying Janie, maning her self. Try cchanging it to:
"Whoa. Janie..."

ane all the time.” Sara retorted

Comma not period. This is where the Dialogue Punctuation comes in. I'm not going to get all of them for you. Just reread it and change them.

retorted emphasizing, have.

Should be:
retorted, emphasizing "have".

“Uggh” Sara moans again

Comma after "Uggh". Before the ". Another place where Dialogue Punctuation comes in.

Sara retorted

Uh oh. You have the same problem as me. Tenses. You are writing in present, yet this is past. Change it to retorts.

“Hey Sara.”

Should be a question mark, not a period.

smiles “I loved it

Comma after smiles.

an A.

>_< You forgot your quotation marks at the end!

with ought

Should be: without

“Are you sure.”

Question mark! >_<



And that's all the nitpicks!!!

:arrow:Description

- Not too bad, but you could add some more in some places.

- One place would be with the "dream". It took me a while to realize it was the part in the previous chapter.

- Dialogue tags, would really help with description.

- Another thing. You switch topics from "sara is late" to "the dance" quite suddenly. Perhaps put more description, to ease it in.

- Imagery, similes, and emotion. You need to add these in to make your story more life like. How does Jane feel when Zac goes too far? Scared?


:arrow: Overall

- It was good, interesting, yet, a bit scrambled. There were switches in topics and they were very abrupt. Smooth them out, and it will be better.

- Dialogue tags and punctuation. You really sould add and corect all of these. It would make your story easier to read.

-Just reread it to catch all the grammer, punctuation errors and it will be nitpick free!


Hope this helps!
~Storm :D





The strongest people are not those who show their true strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.
— Unknown