village of woes

First of all, I'd like to welcome you to YWS. So: Welcome to YWS! I see that your a new member (which I guess is obvious because I just said welcome, but oh well). Here at YWS we have a critique to post ratio of 2:1. It helps other people (by critiquing them) and yourself, because more people will read your work if you critique more. I would just like to mention (and this is a pet peeve of mine), it helps if you spell things correctly in the caption.So, lets get critiquing.

hazellessiter wrote:this is how the story goes
the tale of the bandit foes
see how the village woes

I looked it up on Dictionary.com (because I need to be sure), and woes is a noun. I tried to think up a few words that would work in that line, but none of them ryhmed. (sorry, I tried) I would suggest looking for another word.

as their children are taken by the bandit foes
as their homes dystroyed by the bandit woes
familys ripped apart
the children soon to be slaves for their leader
mr rat

I've got a couple things to say. I'll go line by line. 'as the children are taken by the bandit foes', it really doesn't need foes, though you could keep it. The second line of this part, I think woes doesn't work..agian. (I'm sorry!) The last two lines don't rhyme likethe rest of the lines, which is a bit odd,because its a sudden brake. The line about children becoming slaves for their leaders was a bit long compared to the others.
Here's my suggestion:
*I would suggest getting a few of the woes, and foes out of there. Since it is such a short poem (which isn't bad at all), repetition can get more annoying. You could repeat the first three lines at the end, I think that would be really cool

I like the overall idea of the poem, telling a story. And the rhyming helps it seem sorta like a nursury rhyme (though its odd talking about a village taken over by thiefs in a nursury rhyme, I still like it). The wording needs a little work, but that can be fixed. I really am sorry we've been harsh. I promise, not all of us are this harsh, some of us are really much nicer...(sorry, again).
Welcome to YWS,
~MV

Not so sure I'm sold on this poem. It seems pretty sloppy to me, there wasn't any puncuation or capitilization, which just makes it LOOK bad. No matter how good the content is it puts people off if it looks sloppy. But I wasn't too in love with the content either. Very short poems have to be very tight and emotionally impactful for them to work and I don't think you deliver on those counts.

Let me show you the major problems here

this is how the story goes
the tale of the bandit foes
see how the village woes
as their children are taken by the bandit foes

First of all, now I may be wrong on this, I don't think woe can be a verb. I don't think a village can woe. And even if it is technically correct it just does not read well. And also it sounded really bad when you used bandit foes within one line of each other. And the line " see how the village woes" is not good at all because of course we can't see, you haven't described it to us yet! Thats your job!

as their homes dystroyed by the bandit woes
familys ripped apart
the children soon to be slaves for their leader
mr rat

I'm sorry but I completly hated the line " As their homes are destroyed by bandit woes" That makes utterly no sense to the reader at all! It does not contribute anything to the poem and it just sounds redundant. And then to suddenly end your ryhme scheme just makes the whole last part of the poem akward and clunky. I'm noy saying I even like your ryhme scheme to begin with but then you just stopped which didn't really make any sense.
Nothing in the poen had any emotional impact for me whatsoever and it had no resonase on even a cereberal llevel

Sorry if that was harsh, my opinion