Prologue
The bitter cold seemed to spike her thoughts of getting hypothermia as she walked, the crunch of dead leaves mixed with the snap of breaking twigs echoed in the wooded area.
The ground was hard from the frozen white specs that filled the clouded atmosphere, and air hazy due to the early lights of the morning.
Her eyes fluttered as her head snapped to the direction in which a large boom of a noise was cast.
The rustling of leaves on a small, green, berry bush caught her attention as a small white rabbit hopped away, allowing her to breath once again.
Her heart still remained pounding as the memory of what had happened flooded her mind.
One last thought remained in her head, and refused to leave,
Nowhere is safe.
Chapter One
Elaine grasped her small, grey and green camouflage bag, slinging it over her shoulder and sliding out the door, shutting it slowly and carefully not to notify her parents of her sneak-out. Her arms and legs ached from yesterdays sneak-out into the deep nature luxury that she called the beautiful woods. The woods had always captivated her, and made her have a loss of words, they were positively beautiful, every part of them astounded her and she noted every bit of information that she could. Her black work boots that were worn tightly on her feet slapped against the grass that still held morning dew on it, making a small echo in the atmosphere. She looked up at the sky that still had a small faded picture of the crescent moon that stood high and mighty from the night before. She let out a small, light, sigh before returning her gaze to the front of her, and her foot took the first step into the muddy mixture of dirt, pond water and assorted plants. The other foot stepped into the mixture as the other pulled out of it, stepping onto fertile soil. Her nose filled with the scent of flowers, dirt, animals and best of all, clean air, Nothing like the polluted air that usually filled the air around her like in the general proximity of the crowded city. A small smile played on her lips as she followed the small trail of worn down grass from the previous journeys out to the lovely wilderness she had learned to call her second home. As she got to the end of her trail, and into the peaceful clearing, she noticed that the sun had began to shine and that meant she had little time to stay out here before shed have to leave and go home. She dropped her bag in the center of the field and leaned against the small oak tree, sliding her back downward until she sat on the grass. Using her left foot, she pulled the bag closer to her and used her hand to pull it onto her lap. She opened the bag and found her animal and plant scouting book, pulling it out along with her small pocket knife and cell phone. The time marked 7:47 am and her parents would wake around 9:15 or 9:30. It was about a fifteen minute walk from the driveway of her home to the edge of the clearing. She marked the timer on her phone to 8:30. She left her bag against the tree and put the knife in her pocket along with her phone and peeled the cover of the book to touch the back of the book and began to read. She scanned the pages to find animals and plants that were native to the area, but everything she found either was endangered or extinct due to hunting or pollution in the area. A frown was cast upon her lips and her head pounded. Her head felt as if it were to explode from anger. The only reason she ever came to the woods was to scout animals out and find interesting plants, and it was all ruined. Every book she had ever looked in, this happened, having all the native animals be endangered or extinct. She turned around and the sun was now hidden, and the area in which she looked in was black. It was casting the shadow of a person, much bigger than Elaine; she fiddled to grab either her pocket knife or her cell phone, but failed as her hand was pulled back. The clunk of her book falling to the ground echoed to the otherwise completely abandoned forest area, and her phone was thrown to the side, and knife put into the bushes near her foot. Her arms were pulled back behind her back by a single arm and the other was used to put a small cloth that stank of chemicals was placed over her nose and mouth. As hard as she tried not to breathe, she did. And damn it, she regretted it as her eyelids fell heavy and body fell numb. Her thoughts slowly started to cloud and fade into a deep abyss. Then everything went black. Even though her eyelids refused to let her eyes open, and her body remained unable to move, she still could hear. The muffled sound of a car starting scared her, but yet reminded her that if she kept herself calm and aware of the limited things she could, she could think. Small rushes of energy surged in her body from time to time, but all she was capable of doing with that energy was shiver. Shiver, Shiver than shiver some more. After what felt like a million years of driving, she heard the engine cut and a door open then slam shut. She waited patiently for the reassuring sound of another door open and sling her lifeless body over someone’s shoulder. She heard the light patter of rain but felt nothing on her body, which still had the numb sensation that had slowly, began to lessen throughout the whole drive. She began to regain some sensation in her hands and legs, but decided that if she really wanted to escape whatever hell was coming in her direction, to save her energy and play dead for a little while, until she felt that she had any bit of a chance of success. She heard a thump and felt the small bit of pressure on the bottoms of her thighs and calves, informing her that she was now resting on a floor. Her hands felt the light feeling of cold, and she was now thankful that she had worn long pants, work boots and a snug-fit long-sleeved shirt. She heard a door slam shut and no noise following. She wondered if she could open her eyes, and to her surprise, she could. Her eyes swished back and forth in their sockets, looking around the room which looked fuzzy due to her failed senses which had just began to rehabilitate themselves from the wonderful chemical the kidnapper had given Elaine. As she regained some more of her vision, she noted that the floor was wooden and had a small carpet in each edge of the room; she figured that she was in a house, in a bedroom, or what could be used as a bedroom, at least. The light sound of creaking came from the other side of the wooden door, notifying her that someone was heading in her direction. Her eyes clamped shut as the door opened slowly, and the muffled sound of curses filled the room as steps seemed to trace her. She could notice that the voice was a bit deeper than some of her classmates that aged from fourteen, like her, to fifteen. The tone was a bit familiar and she scanned all possibilities of people that she could think of at the moment. Small images of boys she went to school with flashed into her mind, but none matched the tone. As the door closed once again and the sound of the voice faded, she pried open her eyes once again and observed the changes the mystery kidnapper had made to the room. The carpets were now put together in the center of the floor creating a small square of cushion. A small desk sat in the corner with an assortment of books on plants and animals, ones she had never seen before. A small painting of a horse running along water was hung in the corner of the room near the desk. A small bed was sat in the opposite corner along with camouflage sheets and matching pillows. The thought of having somewhere to sleep and something to read scared her, realizing that this person had planned on her ‘stay’ here being longer than a few days. Her back that now had a small cool sensation from the cold wood floors began to arch as she used her frail arms to aid in her sitting up. She now noticed a dark corner in the room, pulling herself towards it. There she found a small windowsill covered in dust and spider webs. There was a padlock around the edge of it and metal bars at the back of the window. In her head she took a mental picture as she assessed the rest of the room, noting any possible exits and/or entrances. The more she looked around, the more she found that the room wasn’t just fit for any fourteen year old girl, it was fit specifically for her. Someone had planned this, planned this accordingly to her. And only her. The way the room was set, accordingly to everything she enjoyed, plants, animals, camouflage, everything. Either this person knew her, or was stalking her. Or worse,
Both.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Howdy ☺
Okay; so let’s deal with one bit at a time. First the prologue.
It would make sense if there is a full stop after hypothermia making it two separate sentences.
I don’t recommened using small twice.
Okay so now the first chapter. The first thing I notice is the layout. It is difficult to read. Take a look at it and break it up into separate paragraphs. That may be useful.
This doesn’t really make sense I think you need to rephrase it.
The beautiful woods should be in inverted commas.
I think you mean a loss for words.
This repetition of ‘and’ just appears really clumsy.
This is really good, I got a bit confused in the middle but after the end of the first chapter I now want to know who is stalking her.
Heyhay. Ita here to review your prologue. I'll review chapter one eventually.
First thing first, whoawalloftext. Reviewers will be put off by this sort of stuff, so remember, formatting counts for a lot. Try leaving a gap between each paragraph, like I'm doing in this review. It works wonders, trust me. Easier to edit, for one, as well as seeking out a specific part. And, this I stress, people will review something they can make sense of.
Interesting prologue, although the grammar could be cleaned up a bit.
Well, when your thoughts (or anything, for that matter) are 'spiked', it's usually slang for 'laced with alcohol', or just possibly 'increased by a lot', which I think was what you were aiming for here. Nevertheless, you could try something like 'in the bitter cold, all she could think of was getting hypothermia'. Then, you mention how the ground was hard due to white specks in the atmosphere and the air hazy due to early lights. This implies the atmosphere and the air are two different things (well, scientifically, they are, but I assume that's not what you mean here). So you could try: 'the ground was hard with the white specks that fell from the air, hazy due to the early morning lights' . Personally though, I would rephrase it to something completely different.
A large boom of a noise, aye? I was like O.o when you stated it was a rabbit hopping off a berry-bush. Dude, rabbits don't make any noise, at most a rustle. The character might be on-edge and hypersensitive, but still. Try something along the lines of: She jumped when she heard a rustling noise in the snow. Her head snapped towards the source of her head, and she saw a rabbit hopping away from a berry-bush. She breathed a sigh of relief. It was only a rabbit. Nothing to worry about (which conveys how freakin' anxious the character actually is, you see).
Ah, a memory of what had happened, which can't leave her head. Interesting. To grab our attention, you could try showing brief exerts from her memory, like this: Flames, smoke, the scream of a woman. Out of the red wall, a single figure, the light glinting off of its eyes demonically, emerged or: [/b] The glint of a blade, blood dripping slowly [/b]. See what I mean?
Overall, you could also bulk it out. Why is she running, from whom, and to where? Stuff like this builds suspense and grabs the reader's attention.