As she walks by. . . When she gets home

Hey there haley~
blue: spelling error.
red: delete this. (usually means it's unnecessary)
green: awkward wording
purple: i loved this section!
pink: too blunt or in need of further description/imagery/explanation

hayley10019 wrote:As she walks by you, you notice her beauty.
You notice her smile, her stance, her grace.
She looks invincible, strong, and pure.
Her smile shines for miles and miles. (you used 'smile' twice in the same stanza.. think of something new)
Her laugh fills the room with its warmth. *laughter

When she gets home,
she looks in the mirror.
She sees nothing but
ugly, weak, and unholy. (what do you mean by unholy? it usually refers to a religion, not appearance)
She's not pretty, she's fat.
She's nothing but ugly, she'll never be more.
To achieve her beauty, she stops eating for days.
But no that's not enough.
She'll hurt herself, and her body.
But no that's not enough.

As she walks by you, you notice her pain.
She looks weak, hurt, and scarred.
Her eyes are grey and lifeless.
Her bodys small and brittle. body's

When she gets home, she looks in the mirror.
She sees nothing but ugly, she'll never be more.
What has she come to, hurting herself?
She notices her body and wishes for the old, but now it's too late.
She can't stop hurting herself, its already started.
She'll never be pretty, now that she's ruined.
She'll hurt herself, and her body too.
But no that's not enough.

She hurts herself 'till she's almost to her death.
No one notices her little, brittle body, almost buckling with a breath.
She'll keep hurting herself until someone notices,
or until she's dead.
But which will come first is already determined
in her head.

Heeeey! Here comes a little Demon!

I'll begin just picking through the details!

As she walks by you, you notice her beauty. (I'd scratch the first "You" here)
You notice her smile, her stance, her grace.
She looks invincible, strong, and pure.
Her smile shines for miles and miles.
Her laugh fills the room with its warmth.

When she gets home, she looks in the mirror.
She sees nothing but ugly, weak, and unholy.
She's not pretty, she's fat.
She's nothing but ugly, she'll never be more. (I like the message in this stanza, coming after the first, immidiately explaining that no matter the beauty the world sees, she sees nothing but ugly. But I think each line in this stanza say the same thing and nothing new is added so, maybe shorten it up or change it?)

To achieve her beauty, she stops eating for days.
But no that's not enough.
She'll hurt herself, and her body. (Explanation please, since you finish this line saying "and her body" that indicated the first words aren't physical pain but... what pain then?)
But no that's not enough. I like the repetition of this line!

As she walks by you, you notice her pain. (Scratch the ifrst "you")
She looks weak, hurt, and scarred.
Her eyes are grey and lifeless.
Her bodys small and brittle. (I like this entire stanza, it's cool how it's like the first one but now the entire impression has changed and she's changed into the girl she used to imagine in the mirror)

When she gets home, she looks in the mirror.
She sees nothing but ugly, she'll never be more.
What has she come to, hurting herself?
She notices her body and wishes for the old, but now it's too late.
She can't stop hurting herself, its already started.
She'll never be pretty, now that she's ruined.
She'll hurt herself, and her body too.
But no that's not enough. (This stanza is very powerful, but this, like the former, is too repatative.)

She hurts herself 'till she's almost to her death.(I think this line sounds a little wierd, I'd replace the underlined words with just "dead")
No one notices her little, brittle body, almost buckling with a breath. (This is a great line! It has a good rythm to it and is an excellent example of "show" don't "tell", I'd like to see more lines like these!)
She'll keep hurting herself until someone notices, or until she's dead.
But which will come first is already determined in her head. (Good last line, this really captures the mind of someone suffering from anorexia)

Thank you soo much! I love all the reviews and yes.. I will keep writing! Thank you(:

Hey, Heyley!

You've delved into such an important matter that most people oversee quite easily. The transition of the girl 'as she walks by' to 'when she gets home' looks really well portrayed. This is a really good way to spread awareness and your creativity has spoken pages worth of words.

I can feel that depressed and unsatisfied emotion from the girl over the way she looks and of how terrible the consequences of her actions can be. I especially liked how you ended the poem with that last stanza. Great work work, Hayley! And keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Thank you all so much for your reviews. And I'm happy you enjoyed the poem.

As she walks by you, you notice her beauty.
You notice her smile, her stance, her grace.
She looks invincible, strong, and pure.
Her smile shines for miles and miles.
Her laugh fills the room with its warmth. This is a great first stanza!

When she gets home, she looks in the mirror.
She sees nothing but ugly, weak, and unholy. I like the use of unholy in this line, i was not expecting that.
She's not pretty, she's fat.
She's nothing but ugly, she'll never be more.
To achieve her beauty, she stops eating for days.
But no that's not enough.
She'll hurt herself, and her body.
But no that's not enough. I recommend that this line be changed so you do not have the repeating phrases.

As she walks by you, you notice her pain.
She looks weak, hurt, and scarred.
Her eyes are grey and lifeless.
Her bodys small and brittle.

When she gets home, she looks in the mirror.
She sees nothing but ugly, she'll never be more.
What has she come to, hurting herself?
She notices her body and wishes for the old, but now it's too late.
She can't stop hurting herself, its already started.
She'll never be pretty, now that she's ruined.
She'll hurt herself, and her body too.
But no that's not enough. This is my favorite stanza.

She hurts herself 'till she's almost to her death.
No one notices her little, brittle body, almost buckling with a breath.
She'll keep hurting herself until someone notices, or until she's dead.
But which will come first is already determined in her head.

Hey i am Steven and i really enjoy poetry, this being no exception. You develop a real passion for the subject in this case being about a girl and her delecate mental state. The use of comparision is really 9interesting and although a lot of poems have been written this was it still gives the poem the degree of flair i think you were trying to nail. I am not scared to sya i find the last paragraph and a it before quite emotional. I may have even shed tears. I hope this is not personal because you look beautiful. Keep writing pal

Ste