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The Skycatcher

by hawk


[removed.]


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19 Reviews


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Tue Jul 05, 2005 11:51 am
hawk says...



The silk can hear? Are they wearing magic pants or something? (Well this is fantasy so I suppose hearing pants are possible . Actually that'd probably make a good comedy... hmm..)


It's called a metaphor. :wink:

I fixed up most of the horriblely long sentances. But I think it's a little flowery. Looking back, makes me a little sick.




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Points: 890
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Fri Nov 26, 2004 7:31 pm
mim wrote a review...



I think its really good and i would love to find out what happens next but, to be honest, i am kinda confused. :? Otherwise i think its really good, despite not completly comprehending it. hehe x




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19 Reviews


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Fri Nov 26, 2004 7:28 pm
Cacophony wrote a review...



This is a good start :D. I'm curious to see where this story is going. You have some nice descriptions. Some of your sentences are long and hard to follow though.

Slight, autumn vale winds tore across the open pastures of Greymoon, ragged purple mountain peaks laced with new snow stood heavy on the horizon, the pastures flat and green before the great woods that creep darkly to her toes.


I like the imagry here. :D The sentence is kind of long though. I think it might be better if you broke it up into three.

Shadowless figures chased across the training courtyard, a stone cement slab rose from the ground by long wooden pillars sliced lengthways down the centre, scarcely a foot from the grass.


I think this sentence might be better if you broke it up into two. or maybe replaced the first comma with a semi-colon. Anyway, nice description :D.

The opponents fought without armour, their pale tunics loose around their wiry frame as they danced the dance of the Maheedra, pressing no flesh with their broken sticks and rods of metal, and not so much as the swish of hair in the windless morning would betray their presence; no sound of a footfall or panting breath.


Fighting without armor, huh? Sounds painful :wink:. I take it they're not actually fighting, just sparring.

He saw them all, with pale blue eyes, a water insect trailed its surface, shimmering ripples across the still dark waters, he saw the giant catfish too, and water spiders beneath their bowers, and what he saw he painted, with water he drew from the pool, all shades seeming to meld into one.


This sentence seems a little awkward to me. When I first read it, it sounded like the water insect had pale blue eyes.

He could smell the aroma of sweet sweat as they fought


I think it's interesting that you describe the smell of their sweat as sweet. I mean I've never thought of sweat being sweet :wink:. I like your description of the dancers...it's very vivid.

The silk would hear the swishing of lethargic thighs, but there was silence, and the master at arms did not move his eyes from the pool, from his watery canvas, his wrist dabbing in colours, and drawing loosely to fill the white.


The silk can hear? Are they wearing magic pants or something? :wink: (Well this is fantasy so I suppose hearing pants are possible :lol:. Actually that'd probably make a good comedy... hmm..)

Her name was Tal, he could see her know, lying in the shade of a Redwen oak, her little head bleeding through the ears.


typo: "know" should be "now". And I'm not sure, but I think "Her name was Tal" should be a sentence on it's own.

He remembered her eyes, like old grey ice, staring and not seeing, as they picked her up and bore her on horseback to the North. She had been six then, though he could never be sure. He remembered those eyes before the shock of golden tresses, the shadows caught deep in her unseeing irises. She would never again see, and when she did speak, she would know more manoeuvres of the dance than she did words, or so it seemed, for, in truth, she rarely spoke at all.


Nice description here :D.

I can reach it, she spoke, and blinked, raindrops collecting on her full lashes.


What happend to the quotation marks? I assume they were there originally.

Master Elias had taught her to observe through each of her senses, that in order to be one of the Maheedra, she must recognise each of them being equally as important as the one she had lost.


Hmm...it's makes sense that being blind, she would want to develop her other senses further. I'm curious, though, is that why she wants to be one of the Maheedra? Tal and Master Elias seem to be interesting characters. I'd like see more of them. Also I'm wondering if the story of Glover is going to foreshadow something that's going to happen later on.

I hope I wasn't too harsh or nitpicky. Anyway, I like this. :D




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Sun Nov 21, 2004 8:18 am
ZZAP wrote a review...



Really fast... Whoa! That's a big run-on in the first sentence. We can't start out that way. I would combine the first part with the third, and keep the second alone. Also, 'her toes' is an act of personification that poetry uses. I don't know, it's a little iffy on writer's point of view. Your call...

-Z





When you cut pieces out of the truth to avoid looking like a fool, you end up looking like a moron instead.
— Robin Hobb