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Young Writers Society



Footsteps in new snow

by hawk


A high wind frizzled the silent woods, a gentle rush at the tall swaying branches. The sky was pale blue overhead, cloudless and cold as new winter, meeting the great purple and grey ranges far off into the distance. The pale garron tossed tousled its head and snorted, picking new scents from the wind bracing the land; Myrell ran her long fingers along his neck and he was silent. Beside her, a tall, fair haired man stood, thick woollen cloaks pulled close against his narrow frame, his steady gaze set across the low lands below.

“I hear of your brother’s return,” the fair-haired man spoke, “he rides in from the west to meet the Sir Dyron.”

Myrell grimaced, “He is Lord now, Lord Dyron. The west gave him a title when he murdered his Arnish wife and her brother,” she paused, “do you remember them, Castelleo?”

“Yes,” he replied, and then there was a pause that followed. “Persecution is more widespread here, more accepted than it once was.”

Myrell nodded without looking at him, “I think you are right, we do not want our children growing up with this in their ears, to treat at as such common news.”

Castello’s smile was long and easy, “you are still a child, Myrell. Both you and I have grown up with it, only never before has it been in New Dekonia.” The blonde man sighed, and shifted his eyes to the girl, deciding it best to change the topic. “As I was saying, your Lord father meets Lord Dyron at the Grey Hall. There is word that your elder brother has not returned from Myrash.”

Myrell smiled faintly. She remembered her eldest brother Luthen before the March. She was but a child then, and he no more than twelve. Once, he had been their father’s favourite son, before all this started, before the war had come and before the young began to die before the old. Many things had changed since, but one was sensible not to dwell on the past.

“I’ll take you to Dredport, Castelleo, it is not long out of my way,” she said after the talk was done, but the blonde man declined, as Myrell knew he would. Neither two ever rode anything but abreast together. Myrell thought for a while before she left him, and dismounted where before she preferred to stay mounted. She was hardly an inch shorter than Castelleo, who was a tall Nethel from the North; her hair hung in free, a few strands in thin plats to the small of her back, tied with feathers that flew in the breeze as she rode.

“Come to the Pretoon with me on third day,” she said. “It would be good for Albany to see you again,” she smiled. Castelleo laughed half-heartedly and sighed, shaking his head slightly. Albany was an old friend of theirs, once, when they were younger, although Castelleo was still older than both of them, they had travelled through Myrash, New Dekonia, and the six lands of the High Kingdoms. Six years ago, when Castelleo left for the Highlands and Myrell on the ships to Whent, Albany had stayed behind, and grown up.

“I cannot. Albany is somewhat different these days, I know,” he replied.

“He is married it is true, with two sons and a third child on the way, or perhaps a fourth, but he asks of you when I visit. Rhyanne is not such a burden to him as you might think, he is nothing but more grounded than we ever thought him to be.”

“Yes, he has changed much, Albany,” but then there was a pause and Myrell smiled for she knew she had him. Her garron stamped his hoof into the soil and the young woman turned to him and laughed, running her hand along his flanks as she quickly mounted him again.

“Brey grows impatient at simple wandering of us humans,” she smiled and calmed him with her hand on his neck.

“I trust we will see you at Pretoon then, on the third day from now.”

Castelleo smiled, “Goodbye little crow,” he said after her, as she kicked her feet into the horses’ flanks and disappeared down into the grasslands below.

Castelleo folded his arms across his chest and set his hard grey eyes toward the sun, high and useless on a pale green sea. It was a bitter late summer, and an even colder winter to follow a cheerless autumn. Leaves did not ripen and fall in the south; they rotted on branches and were lost in the snow. There was no beauty in these autumns, not like back home, he thought.

The grasslands here were vast, but equally as imposing were the forests, which, far off to the left, stretched to the distant mountain pass, and, from there, all the way to the sea. New Dekonia was certainly a place of wanderlust, but it was also a lonely place, and not lonely in the ways the north was. Here, there was just emptiness, and yet the land was owned. For miles and miles, nothing, not so much as a tree dotted the open grasslands. And inversely, in the forest, only the occasional river spared a traveller its dark depths. This was Myrell’s land, he thought, and she belonged to it. She was young, and yet had experienced much. Perhaps if she had been a villager, things would have been very different, but she was the only daughter of one of the High Kingdoms Lords, Lord Haylen; King in the saddle. She was strong as a child, Lord Haylen had taken care of that, and also taken care that she could ride, fight and travel as any man could, although such goes the custom in New Dekonia. There was more to the little crow, however, for one was rarely standing on the surface. As Castelleo walked, a long shadow fell across the grasses; he looked up, shielding his eyes from the sun, and whistled low and long.

Issen stood rigid as stone before the window, a large square cut into the parapet, his steady dark eyes scanning the flat desert expanse. It would be cold tonight, he thought. The nights changed the desert so severely, from the searing heat of midday where little could be done but sit and wait till dusk, to the terrible chills that accompanied darkness.

“Sir?”

Issen turned to face the girl, smiling, though his expression suggesting he was miles away.

“Yes, Delora?” his voice was deep and soothing.

“Lord Galmod is here to see you, sir,” she replied, stepping from the doorway. Issen sighed, and turned briefly back to the window as he picked up his glass, and drained the remnants. He walked the distance of the balcony to the doorway to where the girl stood, the outline of her slim body visible through the thin white dress; he smiled at her, pausing.

“Thankyou, Delora,” his hand brushed her cheek lightly, and then he handed her the glass.

Lord Galmod stood in the common room, his thick red beard catching the soft yellow lighting that bounced from the firegates off the walls. The room was large, with two long bearskin couches situated around a large hearth. The two men stood.

“I haven’t time for games, Issen,” the barbudos frowned as Issen appeared with a playing card between his two fingers. Issen smiled coyly.

“Ah, but Lord Galmod, this is not just a mere card,” he flipped it over in his fingers as he moved towards the hearth, not looking at the other man. Then he turned sharply, “this card… is a special card, this card, is King, he is the King of Diamonds, and look…” Issen bent the card, and then tore it, throwing it in the flames. “Why can I do that?” he asked sharply. “Why can I throw that King in the flames, tell me, Lord Galmod?” Issen did not wait for a reply. “Because I am Lord General, because I am the overlord of the King, I rule the King, understand!” Issen was yelling now, his dark, brooding eyes fiery and violent. Lord Galmod dropped his eyes. “That means, my Lord Galmod, you do not fuck around with my orders, is that clear?”

There was a long silence before the other man replied, and his voice, though considerably less dominating, seemed encased with hatred.

“Very clear, sir.”

Issen stared at him, then the smile crept back across his face, “good.” He called for Delora.

“Delora will take to the dining room,” he said, about to leave, then, turning back to the other man “oh, and tell your men they now have a new commander.”


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4123 Reviews


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Sun Aug 02, 2020 10:19 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this was pretty interesting to read. A neat little story about something set in a slightly medieval sounding time. Not too much happens in this one, we can see that there is quite some backstory to this but none of it is overly explained (that's a god thing) so we don't have that great of an idea of what's going on but we do get a sense of a pretty cohesive world.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A high wind frizzled the silent woods, a gentle rush at the tall swaying branches. The sky was pale blue overhead, cloudless and cold as new winter, meeting the great purple and grey ranges far off into the distance. The pale garron tossed tousled its head and snorted, picking new scents from the wind bracing the land; Myrell ran her long fingers along his neck and he was silent. Beside her, a tall, fair haired man stood, thick woollen cloaks pulled close against his narrow frame, his steady gaze set across the low lands below.


Neat little description to start things off there.

Castello’s smile was long and easy, “you are still a child, Myrell. Both you and I have grown up with it, only never before has it been in New Dekonia.” The blonde man sighed, and shifted his eyes to the girl, deciding it best to change the topic. “As I was saying, your Lord father meets Lord Dyron at the Grey Hall. There is word that your elder brother has not returned from Myrash.”


This is a very nicely done, subtle way of telling us about the relative ages of these two characters.

Myrell smiled faintly. She remembered her eldest brother Luthen before the March. She was but a child then, and he no more than twelve. Once, he had been their father’s favourite son, before all this started, before the war had come and before the young began to die before the old. Many things had changed since, but one was sensible not to dwell on the past.


Some wise words there.

“I’ll take you to Dredport, Castelleo, it is not long out of my way,” she said after the talk was done, but the blonde man declined, as Myrell knew he would. Neither two ever rode anything but abreast together. Myrell thought for a while before she left him, and dismounted where before she preferred to stay mounted. She was hardly an inch shorter than Castelleo, who was a tall Nethel from the North; her hair hung in free, a few strands in thin plats to the small of her back, tied with feathers that flew in the breeze as she rode.


This comparison isn't very effective. We have no idea how tall a Nethel is so a tall Nethel may be 2 feet tall for all we know. I'd suggest using a comparison to something in real life.

Castelleo smiled, “Goodbye little crow,” he said after her, as she kicked her feet into the horses’ flanks and disappeared down into the grasslands below.


That goodbye sounds really sweet and nails home the dialogue between the two friends really well. So well done there.

The grasslands here were vast, but equally as imposing were the forests, which, far off to the left, stretched to the distant mountain pass, and, from there, all the way to the sea. New Dekonia was certainly a place of wanderlust, but it was also a lonely place, and not lonely in the ways the north was. Here, there was just emptiness, and yet the land was owned. For miles and miles, nothing, not so much as a tree dotted the open grasslands. And inversely, in the forest, only the occasional river spared a traveller its dark depths. This was Myrell’s land, he thought, and she belonged to it. She was young, and yet had experienced much. Perhaps if she had been a villager, things would have been very different, but she was the only daughter of one of the High Kingdoms Lords, Lord Haylen; King in the saddle. She was strong as a child, Lord Haylen had taken care of that, and also taken care that she could ride, fight and travel as any man could, although such goes the custom in New Dekonia. There was more to the little crow, however, for one was rarely standing on the surface. As Castelleo walked, a long shadow fell across the grasses; he looked up, shielding his eyes from the sun, and whistled low and long.


First of all this is a very large block of text and it is unwieldy to read it all. Secondly this sounds like a massive info dump. I get that this is a short story and there's no other way to allow us to understand but it is still too on the nose and breaks the flow of this.

“Ah, but Lord Galmod, this is not just a mere card,” he flipped it over in his fingers as he moved towards the hearth, not looking at the other man. Then he turned sharply, “this card… is a special card, this card, is King, he is the King of Diamonds, and look…” Issen bent the card, and then tore it, throwing it in the flames. “Why can I do that?” he asked sharply. “Why can I throw that King in the flames, tell me, Lord Galmod?” Issen did not wait for a reply. “Because I am Lord General, because I am the overlord of the King, I rule the King, understand!” Issen was yelling now, his dark, brooding eyes fiery and violent. Lord Galmod dropped his eyes. “That means, my Lord Galmod, you do not fuck around with my orders, is that clear?”


Lovely example of a power play right there. Instantly makes us hate this new character and brings out a decent amount of emotion.

“Delora will take to the dining room,” he said, about to leave, then, turning back to the other man “oh, and tell your men they now have a new commander.”


That's a great choice of ending there.

Aaand that's it for this one.

Overall: This was a fun little piece to read. Not the most complex message behind it or plot but it's well written and for what's it meant to be it does a great job.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Points: 890
Reviews: 17

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Wed Sep 21, 2005 7:40 pm
Silverstar wrote a review...



I like the world you seem to have here, but there are a few SPaG errors. (Wait. Is that term used on here? Spelling Punctuation and Grammar so not to confuse anyone.)

After checking my dictionary I find that 'frizzled' is indeed a word, but I had to check my dictionary to find it. If you have to do that, it ruins any effect you might have been aiming for. Try using a different word here. And you might want to try not starting with a weather scene. Move straight into the action, and the stuff that's important.

You mention a garron, which is probably some sort of horse-like beast. You need to describe it a little more so that the reader knows what it is, instead of just 'some strange animal that this person is riding.'

“I hear of your brother’s return,” the fair-haired man spoke, “he rides in from the west to meet the Sir Dyron.”


Three things here. Hear should be changed to heard. I'm not sure if its violating any grammatical errors, technically, but it flows much better with heard. And spoke doesn't work. He spoke it? Said would work better. And the sentence should end there. 'He' would be the beginning of a new sentence. You seem to have done that a lot, just remember to fix things like that when you edit.

It jumps a little too quick to this thing of persecution. Just slow things down to help the reader follow the train of thought, showing the relationship between the acts of this Lord and the persecution. (of what?)

The little info-dump about her bother seems a bit needless, and throws off the track of the story Probably best to delete all or most of it, and weave it into the story more.

The grasslands here were vast, but equally as imposing were the forests...


Too much description in this paragraph, and it accomplishes nothing.

I like the next paragraph, it flows nicely and sets the countryside without giving too much detail. Good job.

...his thick red beard catching the soft yellow lighting that bounced from the firegates off the walls


That doesn't make much sense. Try rewriting it.

Coyly? Try a different word there.

Issen's character seems to take an abrupt change here. It's confusing and vague...

Above all, it seems to be moving in an interesting direction, but try to remember exactly what you need the reader to know and what they don't need to know. Good luck, and keep writing.





The very worst use of time is to do very well what need not be done at all.
— Benjamin Tregoe