Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this was pretty interesting to read. A neat little story about something set in a slightly medieval sounding time. Not too much happens in this one, we can see that there is quite some backstory to this but none of it is overly explained (that's a god thing) so we don't have that great of an idea of what's going on but we do get a sense of a pretty cohesive world.
Anyway let's get right to it,
A high wind frizzled the silent woods, a gentle rush at the tall swaying branches. The sky was pale blue overhead, cloudless and cold as new winter, meeting the great purple and grey ranges far off into the distance. The pale garron tossed tousled its head and snorted, picking new scents from the wind bracing the land; Myrell ran her long fingers along his neck and he was silent. Beside her, a tall, fair haired man stood, thick woollen cloaks pulled close against his narrow frame, his steady gaze set across the low lands below.
Neat little description to start things off there.
Castello’s smile was long and easy, “you are still a child, Myrell. Both you and I have grown up with it, only never before has it been in New Dekonia.” The blonde man sighed, and shifted his eyes to the girl, deciding it best to change the topic. “As I was saying, your Lord father meets Lord Dyron at the Grey Hall. There is word that your elder brother has not returned from Myrash.”
This is a very nicely done, subtle way of telling us about the relative ages of these two characters.
Myrell smiled faintly. She remembered her eldest brother Luthen before the March. She was but a child then, and he no more than twelve. Once, he had been their father’s favourite son, before all this started, before the war had come and before the young began to die before the old. Many things had changed since, but one was sensible not to dwell on the past.
Some wise words there.
“I’ll take you to Dredport, Castelleo, it is not long out of my way,” she said after the talk was done, but the blonde man declined, as Myrell knew he would. Neither two ever rode anything but abreast together. Myrell thought for a while before she left him, and dismounted where before she preferred to stay mounted. She was hardly an inch shorter than Castelleo, who was a tall Nethel from the North; her hair hung in free, a few strands in thin plats to the small of her back, tied with feathers that flew in the breeze as she rode.
This comparison isn't very effective. We have no idea how tall a Nethel is so a tall Nethel may be 2 feet tall for all we know. I'd suggest using a comparison to something in real life.
Castelleo smiled, “Goodbye little crow,” he said after her, as she kicked her feet into the horses’ flanks and disappeared down into the grasslands below.
That goodbye sounds really sweet and nails home the dialogue between the two friends really well. So well done there.
The grasslands here were vast, but equally as imposing were the forests, which, far off to the left, stretched to the distant mountain pass, and, from there, all the way to the sea. New Dekonia was certainly a place of wanderlust, but it was also a lonely place, and not lonely in the ways the north was. Here, there was just emptiness, and yet the land was owned. For miles and miles, nothing, not so much as a tree dotted the open grasslands. And inversely, in the forest, only the occasional river spared a traveller its dark depths. This was Myrell’s land, he thought, and she belonged to it. She was young, and yet had experienced much. Perhaps if she had been a villager, things would have been very different, but she was the only daughter of one of the High Kingdoms Lords, Lord Haylen; King in the saddle. She was strong as a child, Lord Haylen had taken care of that, and also taken care that she could ride, fight and travel as any man could, although such goes the custom in New Dekonia. There was more to the little crow, however, for one was rarely standing on the surface. As Castelleo walked, a long shadow fell across the grasses; he looked up, shielding his eyes from the sun, and whistled low and long.
First of all this is a very large block of text and it is unwieldy to read it all. Secondly this sounds like a massive info dump. I get that this is a short story and there's no other way to allow us to understand but it is still too on the nose and breaks the flow of this.
“Ah, but Lord Galmod, this is not just a mere card,” he flipped it over in his fingers as he moved towards the hearth, not looking at the other man. Then he turned sharply, “this card… is a special card, this card, is King, he is the King of Diamonds, and look…” Issen bent the card, and then tore it, throwing it in the flames. “Why can I do that?” he asked sharply. “Why can I throw that King in the flames, tell me, Lord Galmod?” Issen did not wait for a reply. “Because I am Lord General, because I am the overlord of the King, I rule the King, understand!” Issen was yelling now, his dark, brooding eyes fiery and violent. Lord Galmod dropped his eyes. “That means, my Lord Galmod, you do not fuck around with my orders, is that clear?”
Lovely example of a power play right there. Instantly makes us hate this new character and brings out a decent amount of emotion.
“Delora will take to the dining room,” he said, about to leave, then, turning back to the other man “oh, and tell your men they now have a new commander.”
That's a great choice of ending there.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: This was a fun little piece to read. Not the most complex message behind it or plot but it's well written and for what's it meant to be it does a great job.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 258708
Reviews: 4123
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