Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
"Five petals on a flower,
Pluck Pluck Pluck Pluck
Pluck them with this simple sickle
Sharp enough to make things quick.
Four flowers on a stem,
Pluck Pluck Pluck Pluck
Sickle sever, stem spurt sap
Delicious nectar that I must lap
Up!
What a high I get
Whenever I tend my garden
Devoid of weeds, and bugs
There're only flowers
Fragrant flowers.
Sprinkle nectar from time to time
To make the budders bloom
And then you wait,
Reap,
Recycle,
Repeat..."
He tilts his head back and laughs
Sickle-hand a'quivering
He's backed them into a corner
And is glad that they are shivering.
"What's the matter, Lily-Lily In the lilac dress?"
he asks the mother.
"Ah, could you also take that off?
I only need your flesh!"
But he starts with the father
Slices the neck, cuts off the head
And for the mother, first he pries the child off of her before stabbing her dead.
He sticks his hand into Father's skull and tries to imitate his voice
when he tells the young one,
"Eat or die, what is your choice?"
He proceeds to claw out an eye from Father's face and then he gives it
to the boy, who drops it into his gullet like a grape after staring at it
for a minute. He chews, at first with difficulty because he couldn't taste
The flavor yet, but once it kicked in the boy begins to savor it.
The Gardener's smile grows wider as he watches kin eat kin
Then he remembers about Mother and digs in.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi.
So you've created something deep and haunting here.
You've made the language work for you; and I can see how the deliberate use of separated, defined stanzas to bring focus to your individual points. The idea of the characters being slightly removed from the reader in terms of relatability creates an even more disturbing effect. The characterisation in this poem is perfectly executed.
Nice work.
Oh my.
I think those two words are a pretty accurate reaction to this.
So, very cool concept here. I like it a lot. Death is a gardener that reaps with his scythe. I like that a lot, though it does bring up some questions: if Death (I'm assuming that it's death, so pardon me if I have interpreted the metaphor wrongly) is the gardener, who planted the seeds? Does Death give life too? I think that would be an interesting thing to include here, like a circle of life thing, but if you don't want to, you don't have to. Another optional thing you could add would be some sort of further relationship between the boy and Death. When I was reading this, I was sure that when the boy began to savor the eyeball (ew that part gave me shudders all up and down my spine) that he was going to become Death's apprentice, and that would've been super cool.
Something else that would enhance this poem would be a more clear definition of motive. Why is Death killing them? I have it pegged down to two reasons: for pleasure and for food. I think it would be nice if you specifically mentioned "but the gardener was oh so hungry" or something.
I kind of liked the rhyme in here, which is something I don't say all that often. There was one point though that just made me roll my eyes:
Like, in all the... things... like movies and TV shows and books, they say "he shot her dead." And in my head, whoever says this line is speaking like a toddler, because it sounds like such a toddler thing to say. Even though "he shot her" doesn't tell you if she's dead or not. BUT ANYWAY, whenever something happens like this, it sounds wrong, like it's supposed to be humorous, and while this has a kind of dark humor to it, I don't think that a toddler sounding narrator enhances that humor. Rather, it distracts the reader.
tl;dr: I don't like that rhyme, and I think you should remove it.
Everything from "Up!" to the line before the "reap, recycle, repeat" (I do like those
It bored me, frankly. Instead, why not use some more exact language and say something like "The gardener sows his seeds so carefully// just so he can eat their fruit later" or whatever. But more to-the-point and visual than what you have there.
(I mean, what do the "weeds" and the "bugs" represent? I don't know! And "sprinkle nectar?" I would understand if he was sprinkling pollen to help with pollination, but why sprinkle nectar? I also don't like the mention of a "high" because it seems weird to me in context of gardening. I also don't like the "Up!" part, if that wasn't clear before. You don't need it, and it feels out of place in the poem (even if it doesn't in the lyrics with the music). I do like the word "budders." It was a nice, fresh word.)
Take a look at this poem and see if everything is absolutely needed. I'm looking at a few of the stanzas (like the one I just talked about, and the one after it) and I just don't really see a reason for keeping them. Also, when you're going through your editing, maybe you should check your punctuation, because in a few places it felt off to me.
Anyway, really cool concept. I'd love to see a sequel. xD
Keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions~
Hey there, Maven529! It's Q the Solemn here for a review.
Wow! What a disturbingly ruthless and uncannily horrifying tale you've spun with this one. It was so raw and unrelenting that I had to stop, and after having a glass of water and a shot of vodka, come back to read it all the way through. I like how halfway through it shifts from metaphor to literal. Pretty great stuff. I also loved the alliteration, especially at "Lilly-Lilly in the lilac dress." Very nice touch.
Keep writing.
Whoa! ... hey there, here for a review.
.. NO, I don't mean this in a bad way, what I mean here is that it creates and portrays the horror that you were wanting it to.
Your poem is disturbing
Starting with the title, I feel that it is a bit misleading. It seems to expresses the idea of promises or something that isn't , well, HORROR xP ... so if you wanted the surprise element , great job xD .. Otherwise, you might consider a title that suits the poem.
Overall, I liked your poem. Couldn't really find any grammatical or spelling errors, so nice work there xD.
What I loved was the way you kept repeating "Pluck Pluck Pluck Pluck " in the first stanza.
Also, good job with the alliteration. I , personally, really like alliteration.
Your rhyme scheme wasn't exactly consistent throughout, but It was good enough.
Just your writing style, I suppose.
Anyways, the second last stanza:
He proceeds to claw out an eye from Father's face and then he gives it
to the boy, who drops it into his gullet like a grape after staring at it
for a minute. He chews, at first with difficulty because he couldn't taste
The flavor yet, but once it kicked in the boy begins to savor it.
^^ this one was the one that created the full throttle feeling of dread and horror in me. xD
Coming to the ending. I don't know why, but it gave me a feeling, that the poem hadn't yet ended. But, considering how you have mentioned in the description that it may be unfinished, I think it's alright, then. xD
Keep writing, stay amazing! xD