I'm afraid of not being able to wake up
which is why I just lay here every night
with my eyes wide open
fighting for dear life.
I used to
dream
when I was little.
They told me that dreams led you to
other worlds
And back then I wasn't entirely here yet
so I
wouldn't have known about the Outside.
I'm not a coward
even
though it feels as if I'm the only one who's like this
Then
again,
the only people I've known were my mommy and daddy
who
kept me here in order for me to be safe
But they left me
as they
closed their eyes and eventually couldn't open them anymore.
I
don't want to go
And as long as I stay awake I won't.
This
pain merely helps
for I am as strong as the walls that protect
me
even though I can barely move now.
I don't know how long
it has been since I started hearing a ringing in my ears
but I've
been resisting this Siren's song
because I don't want to go.
I'm happy staying here.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
Hello haven235! CHRISSY321 here with a review!
You are a good writer if you an really make the reader see in their mind what is going on, just using words! *Applauds*
*Happy Review Day!*
This is a very cool poem! I think it has a cool essence to it, and is really good! I love all the detail that you use! It paints a clear image of what the poem is talking about, and the reader can just imagine the whole thing! That is how I felt when I read this!
There is on last detail I would fin=x, but I do not know if it will make a big difference! :
" I don't know how long it has been since I started hearing a ringing in my ears
but I've been resisting this Siren's song
because I don't want to go. "
I think that there should be a comma after 'ringing in my ears' because it gives it a good dramatic pause when you read it aloud! The pause gives it a subtle pause, but too mush is not good- so keep that in mind!
Other than that this was perfect to me! You did a great job, and knowing how hard it is to write poetry- that is a accomplishment! I greatly encourage you to keep writing!
hello there! iron.novelist here to review your work:) I don't believe I've read anything from you yet..so here we go.
I hope you continue and I hope this gave some insight on ways to grow!
As an aspiring poet myself, I can say you're on your way to capturing the essence of poetry. I liked your imagery in the second-to-last stanza mentioning the Sirens' song. This is the kind of thing I think most (if not all) poetry should sort of center around...after all, poetry is imagery. Comparison, contrast, symbolism in itself.
Though this piece was clearly free-verse, you still separated your stanzas well. My weakest point in poetry is probably setup/structure, so I can't judge this very well.
Another point I'd like to give is a stronger language. The reason I love poetry is that it can cut so deep into the soul- but the best way, in my opinion, to do this is by use of language. There are so many words in the world, so many ways of saying so many things. Take advantage of this. Make every word and phrase and line and stanza worth it. Milk it as much as you can, linger, make us love and live and breathe and taste every word.
Some examples of ways you can improve this in spots in your poem:
"I don't want to go", "this pain merely helps", "I used to dream when I was little"
These all feel...bland. You are quite straight-forwardly telling us exactly what's going on...and while I understand this is the 'narrative' part of the poetry, too much of the poem is circling this aspect. What I try to think of when I write poetry is: a) is it a puzzle? can the audience have room to dig and uncover what I'm trying to really say in the piece? while also b) does it make sense?
Finally, your title. It reflects your straight-forward writing, which isn't necessarily a bad thing...but I'd like it to be more mysterious. A great poet once told me that your title should make your audience wonder, give some curiosity and provoke thought, while simultaneously giving a taste of what's to come.
You're starting well at your poetry career
Good job~
Hi Haven235!
This... is actually really amazing! I still have the chills from reading this. XD It's one of those works where I'm shivering but I can't pinpoint exactly why. In the past, when someone has told me they wrote something scary or haunting, their writing didn't always live up to the promise. Which was good, I suppose, because horror/chilling themes and I don't mix too well. My fear of horror (go figure) aside, this was very beautiful! It had a vacuum affect that sucked me in and wouldn't let go till I finished reading. I can't tell you enough how great it is XD
I don't have nitpicks for this one... The flow is fine, and word choice is brilliant, (I really love this stanza for some reason: "I don't know how long it has been since I started hearing a ringing in my ears
but I've been resisting this Siren's song
because I don't want to go. "), and there are not grammar/spelling mistakes that I could see.
Wonderful job! Keep writing; your poetry really is lovely
Hey there, Haven235! This poem is really interesting to me. I love that the whole time I am not entirely sure why the speaker is so afraid or why he/she can't close their eyes. I love the kind of creepiness of what you said: "But they left me as they closed their eyes and eventually couldn't open them anymore." That line is just really haunting and awesome to me. The story of the poem is really cool, only just a few things to critique. To me at certain points the transitioning seemed a bit choppy and not really smooth. Like when it says "For I am as strong as as the walls that protect me even though I can barely move now." For some reason that just seemed kinda choppy. It may not be I don't know! but that's just my opinion. Other than that I thought this poem was very haunting and cool. Keep it up!
-Wolverene13