House of Traps

Talk about Saw. XD This was great. I could imagine all the locks, traps, and poison in this poem. I could sense the fear and realization of entrapment. I got sucked into this story. I could feel the person's in the poem fear. You really did write a great poem!

Congratulations! You have earned my approval. *stamps approval on forehead* You are great at writing descriptions and drawing your readers in your work. Keep up the good work!!!!


FANTABULOUS!!!

Hello! Very nice job capturing the idea of the Saw series!
This is a very nice poem and I really enjoyed it!
I'd like to recommend, though, that you put your ideas in separate stanzas. If your'e going to rhyme, it contributes to the flow of the poem if you separate your rhyming lines. New ideas are hard to understand without some sort of recognition for when they are occurring. The reader can't take a breath and it sounds like one large run-on sentence.

A few other things:
-"For the traps". Might I suggest you take out the "the"? "The traps" seems a bit too specific, especially since you're not pointing any out and we have never heard of the traps before.

-in the "acquaintance" and "disturbance" couplet, I definitely suggest starting a new stanza after or putting a period instead of a comma after "disturbance". There is a significant change in topic here and even if you do not break the poem into stanzas, I highly recommend that this piece be separated or stopped.

"Listening to which you all are set,

Yes, it was him telling the rules of the game,

Transgression of which if forward came,"

The "to which" part is very vague. I don't think putting another 'the rules' there would make the lines too repetitive.
Again, I also suggest a good cutoff point here after "came", whether it be a period or a new stanza following it.

"You will be winning a deadly chance to meet death

Or else to be safe you should play having faith,

In the chances of survival that are rare,"

A period after "faith" instead of a comma might help the poem flow better.

Also:
"and reason for the game lies in what common you all share,

There are not only traps but also chances.

And rare are the places where death itself dances,"

I suggest putting a period after "share" if there is a new thought occurring. This also means putting a comma instead of a period after "chances" because the next line continues your thought.
Following this idea, because "dances" finishes your thought, there should be a period there so you can move onto a new idea.

Welcome to YWS and thanks for uploading your content. I hope you feel at ease here!

Hi harris141195! This is an interesting poem! It reminds me of the Saw series, you know, the man with the jigsaw wound?

I had a good time reading this. I imagined a dark cell with different traps and locks and switches; and a narrator in a dark voice saying all these lines. Was this based on a horror/suspense movie? Or was it just a thought you had while doing something?

I noticed a few things:

You wakeup in the morning

Seeing those faces cry which you haven’t seen before.

It’s the game that began on his call

Woah, nice poem!!! It reminded me of the Hunger Games at parts. From the beginning, I was engaged when I learned that she (I think- maybe he) woke up in an unknown place. I enjoyed the use of personification and alliteration in the line: "And rare are the places where death itself dances." Great job; I loved it!