z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

House of Traps

by harris141195


You wake up in the morning

Opening your eyes while yawning

You find yourself where you were not last night,

That’s when your senses start to fight,

Seeing those faces cry which you haven’t seen before

For the traps are lurking behind each door,

You start asking the reason

For your presence in such a prison,

They don’t tell you much but scare you with their acquaintance

Of the possible serial killer behind such a disturbance,

You find a tape recorder under the carpet

Listening to which you all are set,

Yes, it was him telling the rules of the game,

Transgression of which if forward came,

You will be winning a deadly chance to meet death

Or else to be safe you should play having faith,

In the chances of survival that are rare,

and reason for the game lies in what common you all share,

There are not only traps but also chances.

And rare are the places where death itself dances,

You have poison running in your veins

Which will be robbing you out of your sense,

To which only he has the antidote,

Now start consuming the time you’ve got,

Which is getting finished every moment,

Do it till you further can’t,

There are no promises that you’d survive,

No matter how hard you’d try to stay alive,

It’s the game that began on his call

But would end with you after all.


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22 Reviews


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Sun Apr 20, 2014 7:46 pm
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Gingahcakes wrote a review...



Talk about Saw. XD This was great. I could imagine all the locks, traps, and poison in this poem. I could sense the fear and realization of entrapment. I got sucked into this story. I could feel the person's in the poem fear. You really did write a great poem!

Congratulations! You have earned my approval. *stamps approval on forehead* You are great at writing descriptions and drawing your readers in your work. Keep up the good work!!!!


FANTABULOUS!!! :D




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Sun Apr 20, 2014 3:59 pm
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Milanimo wrote a review...



Hello! Very nice job capturing the idea of the Saw series!
This is a very nice poem and I really enjoyed it!
I'd like to recommend, though, that you put your ideas in separate stanzas. If your'e going to rhyme, it contributes to the flow of the poem if you separate your rhyming lines. New ideas are hard to understand without some sort of recognition for when they are occurring. The reader can't take a breath and it sounds like one large run-on sentence.

A few other things:
-"For the traps". Might I suggest you take out the "the"? "The traps" seems a bit too specific, especially since you're not pointing any out and we have never heard of the traps before.

-in the "acquaintance" and "disturbance" couplet, I definitely suggest starting a new stanza after or putting a period instead of a comma after "disturbance". There is a significant change in topic here and even if you do not break the poem into stanzas, I highly recommend that this piece be separated or stopped.

"Listening to which you all are set,

Yes, it was him telling the rules of the game,

Transgression of which if forward came,"

The "to which" part is very vague. I don't think putting another 'the rules' there would make the lines too repetitive.
Again, I also suggest a good cutoff point here after "came", whether it be a period or a new stanza following it.

"You will be winning a deadly chance to meet death

Or else to be safe you should play having faith,

In the chances of survival that are rare,"

A period after "faith" instead of a comma might help the poem flow better.

Also:
"and reason for the game lies in what common you all share,

There are not only traps but also chances.

And rare are the places where death itself dances,"

I suggest putting a period after "share" if there is a new thought occurring. This also means putting a comma instead of a period after "chances" because the next line continues your thought.
Following this idea, because "dances" finishes your thought, there should be a period there so you can move onto a new idea.

Welcome to YWS and thanks for uploading your content. I hope you feel at ease here!




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Sat Apr 19, 2014 6:30 am
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jacelevasco wrote a review...



Hi harris141195! This is an interesting poem! It reminds me of the Saw series, you know, the man with the jigsaw wound? :)

I had a good time reading this. I imagined a dark cell with different traps and locks and switches; and a narrator in a dark voice saying all these lines. Was this based on a horror/suspense movie? Or was it just a thought you had while doing something? :)

I noticed a few things:

You wakeup in the morning

I think the text in bold should be spelled in this way: "wake up". :) Correct me when I'm wrong.

Seeing those faces cry which you haven’t seen before.

It’s the game that began on his call

Maybe you should try rephrasing these lines for clarity. :)

I liked how you incorporated some figurative language in this poem. :) Good wordplay too.

It's a good poem. :) Keep writing. Have a nice day. :)




harris141195 says...


Thank you very much for reading my stuff and appreciating it. Yep you are right it is inspired by the movie SAW it is one of my favorite movies and is second on the list after INSIDIOUS, I love it the most.
Yes you are right about the lines you mentioned, I will definitely make changes to them. Thank you again for reading it.

Regards
Harris141195



jacelevasco says...


Sure. :) Insidious is also my girlfriend's favorite horror movie. I guess a lot of people watch horror huh? :)



harris141195 says...


Horror and action are my favorites. Action that of Jason Statham and I like the movie Casino Royale very much too



harris141195 says...


Horror and action are my favorites. Action that of Jason Statham and I like the movie Casino Royale very much too



jacelevasco says...


Interesting... :) I hope you enjoy your stay here at YWS. :)



harris141195 says...


Thanx. :D I hope you are enjoying here as well.



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Sat Apr 19, 2014 5:38 am
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Wolfi says...



Woah, nice poem!!! It reminded me of the Hunger Games at parts. From the beginning, I was engaged when I learned that she (I think- maybe he) woke up in an unknown place. I enjoyed the use of personification and alliteration in the line: "And rare are the places where death itself dances." Great job; I loved it!




harris141195 says...


Thank you for taking time out and giving it a reading. I really appreciate your views. Thanks.

Regards
Harris141195




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