Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Elizabeth rose out of the water with her hands straight out. She collapsed to where she was resting on her lower part of her left leg. She gripped the sand with her hands. As her head rose, her glowing red eyes turned back to the normal jade green. Elizabeth's blond hair was soaked but had perfect waves.Her toes squeezed the sand and her arms began to shake. She stood up wearing short dark blue jean shorts and a jade green tank top. People didn't seem to notice her. Elizabeth's nose cringed and she pulled a piece of seaweed off her arm. She felt the strangely dry clothes no longer wet or clinging to her tan body. Everywhere she turned she saw teenage couples running or kissing under the docks or children chasing each other. Nobody had noticed her at all. A voice came up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Awfully strange to see a girl rise out of the water completely dry."

Her back cringed and she turned. There stood a guy about 17 years of age and had long shaggy black hair. He wore red and black swim trunks that fell just below his 6 pack of abs. His body was perfectly tan and his eyes were a deep shade of blue.

"Oh, well...my clothes dry quickly." Was all Elizabeth could say.

"Interesting what brand if you don't mind me asking." He said looking at her. "My names Jake by the way."

She stared at him.

"I'm Elizabeth."

Hey, just stumbled upon this and, even though it's not what I would normally read, I still quite like it and find myself wanting to read more. So well done on that, you've got me interested, and I'm quite a closed reader, so you've made a good impression.

Now I've noticed that most things have already been mentioned and corrected so I'll just give my initial thoughts, rather than go into a lot of grammatical stuff, because there is none to correct.

Elizabeth rose out of the water with her hands straight out. She collapsed to where she was resting on her lower part of her left leg. She gripped the sand with her hands. As her head rose, her glowing red eyes turned back to the normal jade green. Elizabeth's blond hair was soaked but had perfect waves.Her toes squeezed the sand and her arms began to shake. She stood up wearing short dark blue jean shorts and a jade green tank top.

#FF0000 ">I found it a bit difficult to imagine the physical setting here. Is it an open beach? Or an enclosed bay? You mentioned a dock later and that there are lots of people. Are there any food stands, for example, and are there any smells coming from them. It would just make this part seem much more and 'alive' if there was a tad more description. It's good just now though, just a personal preference for me I suppose.

People didn't seem to notice her. Elizabeth's nose cringed and she pulled a piece of seaweed off her arm. She felt the strangely dry clothes no longer wet or clinging to her tan body. Everywhere she turned she saw teenage couples running or kissing under the docks or children chasing each other. Nobody had noticed her at all. A voice came up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Awfully strange to see a girl rise out of the water completely dry."
Her back cringed and she turned. There stood a guy about 17 years of age and had long shaggy black hair. He wore red and black swim trunks that fell just below his 6 pack of abs. His body was perfectly tan and his eyes were a deep shade of blue.
"Oh, well...my clothes dry quickly." Was all Elizabeth could say.
"Interesting#FF0000 ">, what brand if you don't mind me asking." He said looking at her. "My names Jake by the way."
She stared at him.
"I'm Elizabeth."

Although there's not enough in this passage to give you a detailed review I am interested by what happens. I'm guessing that Elizabeth is a mermaid? I think once I read more I'll be able to give you a fuller and more helpful review.

I'll keep my eyes open for the next part..and you have yourself another follower.

*medievalwriter(Sean)

Thank you, did I fix the things you suggested okay? Thanks for the suggestions next chapter coming soon

Nice beginning... I would like to read more...

Good start to your novel! I like the whole idea of this! :) I just have a few little critiques to improve this a whole lot.

She collapsed to where she was resting on her lower part of her left leg. Her right leg was squatted next to her and her head was looking down at her feet

People didn't seem to notice her.

A voice came up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder.

Woo, pretty good. Keep going, I am curious to see where this will go.

Hi! Welcome to YWS!

This is a really interesting start to the story. I love the idea of her going in the water and coming out dry, and there being the one guy who notices her when no one else does. Still, I do think there are a few ways you could improve this.

One thing you could work on is the dialogue. Right now the things they're saying are lacking in punctuation, so when you read them in your head they sound unnatural. Try saying their conversation to yourself, and see where you pause. For example, when I say

"Oh well my clothes dry quickly."

Oh well, my clothes dry quickly.

"I am Elizabeth."