“Oh the view from this castle still takes my breath away.” Archer, the oldest of four brothers leaned over the balcony of the castle. His eyes drifted down to the flowers that gave of a beautiful smell. He took in a deep breath. Archer let his fingers comb through his black curly hair. Reveling his green piercing eyes. The church bells began to ring as Archers eyes lifted from the flowers to the little white church in the distance. “They will be here soon oh, another wedding. More celebrating..."
Archer was twenty seven and not yet married. All four of his younger brothers within the past ten years had been married of and a great desire to one day be married started growing in Archers heart since a young age, was now growing into a bitter root, a root that Archer did not know how to root out. This desire was growing dangerous, and Archer would do anything to be married.
“Well, well, I figured you would be here.” A voice came from behind Archer.
“Hey!” Archer turned to George, the youngest but wisest brother. George was leaning against the side of the door. , his curly brown hair lay draped over his shoulders. Archer could see the gleam in Georges eyes.
“I am in trouble for being up here?” Archer began to defend himself.
“No, but it is pretty strange of you to leave your own brothers wedding.” George gentle responded
“Father sent you didn’t he?” Archers eyes began to grow angry.
“No again.” George now pulled back from the wall, and strolled next to Archer so they were now both leaning against the balcony. “ I sent my self, you have been acting very curios lately.” George placed a hand on Archers back. “What’s going on?”
Archer tossed George a threatening look. “You just started noticing now!?" There gaze was now attached and strong.
“I am sorry,” George pulled back but held his gaze with Archers. “You know I can be slow at things like this at times Anne is...” Before George could finish Archer chimed in.
“There you go again, there every one goes again, you have Anne, Roger has Guine, Benjamin's has Carol, and Jonathan now has Lori. I do not have any body, how do you think it feels that I am the only one not married, I want to be married, I want God to bring the girl I am meant to be with now! I am the oldest I should have been married first!” Archer now looked more furious hen ever, and his voice began to get louder.
Georges voice stayed sweet and loving. “Just keep praying, and waiting God will bring her when it’s time. Remember what Father said, do not rush love, the story he told us, remember? Don’t you think it's best to head father’s wisdom? It will all work out.”
“Pray, Wait, head fathers wisdom. So easy to say when you have been married for eight years.” Archer now had a deep look of anger in eyes something that did not just developed in this moment, but something that had brewing in him for a very long time.” I am done praying and waiting.” Archer now completely pulled away from George and walked to the door, he was just about to open it when George said.
“She is waiting for you, if she has to wait then wait with her, think about it.”
Archer know George was right but even still Archer was older. “Enjoy the party.”
Archer slammed the door behind him and ran down the stairs, when he came to his room he locked the door behind, that case if any one followed him they couldn't get in. He flung himself unto his bed, and began to cry.
An hour or what felt like a hour had passed, the sun was now setting and Archer could see the suns glow from behind the curtains. He pulled himself from his bed, he pulled the curtains apart, and allowed the rays of the sun to dry his eyes. He then looked close at the setting sun, it was setting behind the Mountains of Berwick. Archer had tried to remember the story his father had told him, but he couldn’t seem to recall it, it had something to do with a. “No!”
Archer said out loud, he was not willing to remind himself of the story. He let his thoughts wonder for a moment. He then fixed his eyes on the mountains before him. An idea began to develop; A title given to the witch that lived in those Berwick mountains. were now fixed in his mind “The witch of Berwick mountain". “No brother, I am not willing to let me or her wait any longer.”
Archer took of riding on his horse, the wind blow through his hair. He directed his horse towards the mountains, the horse seemed resentful at first but followed his masters lead. When he came to the woods of the mountain, a beware do not enter sign lay at the front. From what Archer know the witch had be vanquished many years ago even, before Archer was born. Though the sign was there, Archer pushed forward into the woods. The woods began to marrow and grow darker for the sun had now disappeared.
When Archer felt as though he had made it to the middle of the woods, he let out a call. “Witch, Witch!” No response came. Archer tried again. ”Witch, Witch!” There was no response but from out of the conner of his eye Archer saw a hut a hut that was not there before. The hut was dark and it appeared to have been abandon. Archer looked away, but then Archer could feel the pair of eyes starring at him. He felt a shiver go up his spine. “Hello?" His voice shock. He let his eyes look back at the hut. Two red eyes peered through the dark window. "Are you the witch of Berwick Mountain?” Suddenly the eyes disappeared into the house. “Wait please don’t go.” Archer now dismountained his horse and stumbled to the door of the hut. He put his hand out and just about touched the door nobe when he began to remember the story that his father had told him a long time ago.
“Son before you were born.” His fathers voice began to ring in his mind.
Archer pushed back the story, clouched the cold door nobe and flung the door wide open. He took a step inside. There were no red eyes inside the room. In the middle of the room hung a black cauldron, shelves lined the walls, and in the distant conner lay a small raged doll. He was not sure why but the doll now triggered his memory.
Before Archer had a chance to think, he felt something cold brush against his back, the door slammed behind him. Archer turned to face the door, he tried to jimmy the handle it would not open. He then turned back to face the cauldron, sweat began to come from his forehead. He was shocked, for there in front of him stood those glaring red eyes. The pair of red eyes came with a short five foot body and a normal nose. Dark dreads lined her pail white face. Archers memory stirred once more, and brought pain to his head, he clouched his head in trying now to stop the pain and memories.
“You ok!?” The witch seemed amused.
"I am fine.” Archer straitened himself out and looked at the witch. He also tried to shake the dangerous feeling that seemed to sweep over him. “I have a request.”
“Ha, you come to me, a prince asking a witch for a request?” The witch began to chuckle, but then grow very solum. She gave a questioning look at Archer. “What kind of request?”
“I want you to give me something or do something in order to bring my wife sooner then…” before Archer could Finnish the witch stopped him.b
“No, No! do not utter that name.” The witch covered her eyers. Her eyes glanced towards the doll that sat in the corner, and then back at Archer.
"What? God...?"
"No, I said do not bring up that name."
" fine I will not say it again but I would like my wife to come sooner then she was meant to come I am tired of waiting for her. Here I have money to give you."
“ hhmmm..." The witch began to think. " fine I will grant your wish. But I do not want your money. The wish goes against my greatest enemy. Strange you do not head the word of your father do you?"
"I sometimes listen to my father but this time I am done listening and waiting. And what do you mean, no money?" Archer looked puzzled.
“This wish you ask for has a greater price then money. The request or wish, comes with a warning" the witches eyes grow narrow and dark.
" what's that?" Archer was now nervous.
" To gain something you must lose something.”
Archer know he could not turn back now . “Fine, just do what you have to do.”
“All right then.”The witch began running around grabbing some positions from the shelves, and started a fire over her cauldron! She poured a small bucket of water into the black cauldron. Then began pouring her poisons into the cauldron. She then began speaking Ina language the Archer had never heard before. Then with a out a question the Witch ran over to Archer and pulled a strand of hair from his head.
“Ouch Archer lifted his hand to his head and then pulled it down, Red blood now lay on his finger. “What was…” Before Archer could Finnish the Witch dipped the strand of hair in the blood from Archers finger. She then ran back to the cauldron and began slowly to place the strand into the cauldron. Black and white smoke emegered from the Cauldron. The witch stood So that the cauldron was In front of her and Archer stroud on the other side of the cauldron facing her. The Witch then chanted another saying, and began to form the smoke into the shape of a heart. The smoke heart rose and fell on Archer.
The witches red eyes shoot up, and locked eyes with Archers. the room began to grow dark, and them instantly everything disappeared. Leaving Archer alone in the forest. A voice echoced in the forest. “In eight years a symbol the heart of the witch will appear. To gain something you must lose something.”
Archers eyes began to scope the woods looking for the hut but it was no longer there. He bagan to move his feet when his foot hit something. His eyes traveled downward. The raged doll that lay in the conner, of the hut now layed at his feet. As he reached down to pick it up, the story his father told him came to to his mind. As vivide as what had just happened. Archer pulled his reach away from the doll, and ran to his horse. The story his father had told him was something Archer had wished he had now remembered before he dare ask the Witch to make his request.
Within a weeks time, the prince meet his true love. A month latter they were married. While away on there honey moon. Rose, the woman Archer married, Parents grow very ile and before Archer and Rose could Arrive home her parents died. Rose drifted into a deep depression.
Evening had come, and Archer stood at the door of his room. It was locked “Rose, sweety are you in there?”. “Will you please let me in?” Archer could hear the door being unlocked,and then the door slightly opened. Archer a jared the door, and walked into the dark room. Rose had her elbows leaned against the wooden desk they had received as a wedding present. Her blue eyes hidden beneath her golden hair.
“Sweetie!” Archer ran to her side, Rose dove into his arms and began to cry. “How are you doing?” Archer kindly asked.
Rose words were clear and heart breaking for Archer, for I her words brought back that painful night of his choice. “Maybe we should have waited to get married, I could have been there for my parents.”
Tears now came down his eyes and they both cried!
Rose grew into a great depression, and it was not till a year after there marriage Rose had a baby girl. She was named Lilly for the Lilies of the field. Lillie was the only one that brought joy into Roses life. It was not till Lillie’s eight birthday that Archer would soon come to understand the witches warning.
On lilies eight birthday, Archer, Rose, and Lillie went walking into the woods. Trees lined the walk way, the green grass folded beneath there feet.
“Daddy, mommy look how beautiful it is out here.” Lilly cried with delight!
“Don’t go to far Lillie.” Archer called to his daughter.
“ Ok!” Lillie took of running, her little blonde curls bonced in the back of her hair, as she ran ten feet away. Her blight blue eyes surveyed the great aria.
The king and queen for the first time in a long time walked hand in hand,
“You know the flowers out are beautiful today.” Rose said as she surveyed the the pink and red roses, that made a pathway for the young couple.
“There are beautiful just like you.” Archer looked at his wife as he said theses words. Rose begian to blush as she started to laugh, and then caught Archers gaze, and in that one moment, every thing was perfect.
“Daddy,” Lillie called out. “Look at this beautiful and unique flower.” Archer turned to see his baughter reaching out her hands to a heart shaped flower, the witchs warning raced through his head.
“Lillie don’t touch…” Before the prince could Finnish Lillie let her little hand brush over the small flower, and then she and the flower vanished.
“No!” The prince called out in despair, The queen turned to see the little girl missing.
“Archer were is she?” Rose called.
“I don’t know but I am going to find out.”
Archer took of riding his horse directing him towards the mountains were the witch lived. Archer went beeper and deeper into the woods till he felt that he had reached the spot he first meet the witch. “Witch, were is she?”
A voice echoed throughout the forest, she has been taken to the city of Domound, were her memory and there memory has been wiped out, they believe that Lillie is there daughter, and she believes that they are her parents. She will now live with them forever. To gain something you must lose something, the sign of the heart will appear in eight years.” The voice faded away and Archer could feel the anger seep through him. His mind began to twist into a dangerous plan, as he claimed war on the Kingdom of Domound.
War now raged. the Archers father the king and Rose ran down the secret stair way that lead to the secret hiding room.
The king turned to face Rose.” Rose what has happened to my son?”
“I am not sure, one minuet every thing was perfect and the next our daughter is gone, and Archer is claiming war on the kingdom.
“I know what’s going on.” A voice that the king had only known once before, but not one that you can forget easily. The king turned to face the same red eyes that he saw so long ago. “Its funny how you don’t remember.” The witch gave a evil grin and then pulled from her pocket what looked to be a raged doll. The kings eyes widened. “Don’t you remember the night you came to me and asked for me to make your young sweet heart, the love of your life. In exchange I asked for a piece of your true love and you handed me this doll. Well really you were handing me a piece of your son that I could hold onto. To gain something you must lose something!” The witches smile was evil and dark now.
The kings mind went back to the night, he cried out to the Lord asking for his forgivness. Giving his heart to Jesus and claiming he would from then and forver train this children in the way of the Lord. He remembered The Lord had forgiven him, but he still had to pay for the price of His sin here on earth. The king staired at the witch knowing what had to be done, he allowied a hot tear to fall to his check. The red eyes before him faded away and from up above the king and Rose heard feet coming to the secret stair case. The room faded away, and every one in boths kingdoms lost there life from the choice of two men.
The battle field was now set, as a set of feet swished the dust beneath her feet. She centered herself so that she stood centered between both kingdoms. Her red eyes surveyed the aria. The two kingdoms now stood against eachother, dead bodies linned the ground. While the dried blood from the men and woman who fought lay lining out there bodies. Then the witch began to speak the words that would forver echo through out that land. To gain something you must lose something. Do not awaken love before it is time, for love is the must powerful force in the world, and when used wrongly it can destroy.
Points:
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Hi there!
You've got a classic fairytale plot here, with a moral at the end, and this was an interesting choice. The message that one must wait for love can be applied universally.
However, there are quite a few nitpicks, which I won't get into in detail because the others have pointed them out, but I will give a few tips because I see mistakes that you repeat throughout.
- Don't forget to spell check! I have one installed in my browser so that even on the internet I get that jagged red line that tells me something is amiss.
- You use words incorrectly "there, their, they're" and "where and were" especially
- Make sure you spell a character's name the same way every time "Lilly" versus "Lillie"
- Watch where you use exclamation marks.
- You have mixed up past and present tenses which can make the flow of the story more confusing.
- Sometimes you have orphaned letters hanging about at the end of sentences that simply need to be deleted.
A lot of these can be avoided if you read through carefully after you finish writing, and comb for errors. Spelling is your responsibility, not the reviewer's.
Story Critique
How did the witch know about Archer's father's story before he had told her? If she can read minds, mention something to indicate that.
I noticed you wanted the witch to cut Archer's sentence off before he uttered the name of God, but the sentence she cut off didn't make it seem obvious that he was about to say "God"
Perhaps if you had continued a little more, like "...sooner than the Almighty-" and then she cut him off.
The witch's language seems a bit too informal. She doesn't have a unique voice I feel, which you can improve on by giving her a phrase she says, like "newt's eyes" when she is annoyed by something. It doesn't have to be that, but something to give her character's voice something lively and interesting. You want your witch to be remembered from all the typical witches we have read about. Already she lives in the forest alone. I didn't know what you meant by "normal nose" when describing her. A normal nose can be big, small, long, flat, large slit nostrils, large round nostrils... try and be more specific in all of your descriptions.
You need to differentiate more between the king Archer and his father. Give his father a name.
A lot of the story feels like an outline rather than a fully fleshed tale. This is because you do a lot of summarising, and so we don't feel a lot of characterisation come through. To make your characters feel more complete, think about each of them in detail, where they come from, what their best and worst memories are. You don't have to include them in the story, but have their history affect their behaviours. I don't know much about Rose, and I wish you hadn't rushed their love story so much. You don't have to write every moment, but at least give us a reason why these two fell in love, something beyond "she was beautiful". To make this love story believable, you again have to go back to who they are as individuals.
You had a good idea here, it is a morality tale with a message that I think may be targeted to younger readers. I just think it needed to be executed better, with closer attention to the grammar, spelling and word use, as well as characters. If you'd like to make it better, try and rewrite it with these aspects in mind. Also read a lot of fairytales and pay attention to their styles.
Hello, happysmilers! Nice avvie! Is this your first work? If so, congratulations! *claps and cheers*
The first paragraph. I found a lot of things wrong in there, but never worry. I'll copy it all down, paste it, and tell you errors. You can definitely go back and correct them! Just click the button that says "Edit work". Okay. Here we...go! 1. Comma after the first "Oh", the beginning one. 2. Comma after "brothers". Punctuation, happy! 3. "Of", the one after "gave", should be "off". 4. You can't really let yourself do anything, you just do it without hesitation. Also, the fifth and sixth sentences should be combined with a comma. Do it, please. 5. "Revealing" is spelled so, so wrong. 6. In "Archers", there should be an apostrophe before the s. 7. Another comma after "soon".
"“Oh the view from this castle still takes my breath away.” Archer, the oldest of four brothers leaned over the balcony of the castle. His eyes drifted down to the flowers that gave of a beautiful smell. He took in a deep breath. Archer let his fingers comb through his black curly hair. Reveling his green piercing eyes. The church bells began to ring as Archers eyes lifted from the flowers to the little white church in the distance. “They will be here soon oh, another wedding. More celebrating..."
Another thing I do, when there's a big block of corrections, is to copy and paste the whole mess down here, correct the thing, and pass it back to you for you to copy yourself, and you'll miraculously have a better piece.
"Archer was twenty-seven and not yet married. All four of his younger brothers, within the past ten years, had been married. A great desire to one day be married started growing in Archer's heart since a young age, and was now growing into a bitter root, a root that Archer did not know how to root out."
I'll alternate between those two methods. Between paragraphs I'll call out my next method. Just try to follow along, m'kay? 1. A period before a comma? Not workin', dude. Use one or another. 2. Georges? You're kidding, right? We all know that's supposed to be "George's". Stay with my harsh critique. 3. Archer's question is confusing. Switch the "am" and the "I" and it'll work just right. 4. "Brothers" is supposed to be "brother's", or "brothers'" depending on hi you use it. 5. "Gentle" is "gently". So many nitpicks, so little time. 6. Comma after "you". 7. No spaces after quotation marks! 8. Myself is one word. 9. Curious, not curios. 10. "There" is "their". 11. Period after "this". 12. "Benjamin" should not have the apostrophe or the s. 13. Anybody is one word. 14. Comma after "oldest". I think you meant then instead of "hen".
"“Hey!” Archer turned to George, the youngest but wisest brother. George was leaning against the side of the door. , his curly brown hair lay draped over his shoulders. Archer could see the gleam in Georges eyes.
“I am in trouble for being up here?” Archer began to defend himself.
“No, but it is pretty strange of you to leave your own brothers wedding.” George gentle responded
“Father sent you didn’t he?” Archers eyes began to grow angry.
“No again.” George now pulled back from the wall, and strolled next to Archer so they were now both leaning against the balcony. “ I sent my self, you have been acting very curios lately.” George placed a hand on Archers back. “What’s going on?”
Archer tossed George a threatening look. “You just started noticing now!?" There gaze was now attached and strong.
“I am sorry,” George pulled back but held his gaze with Archers. “You know I can be slow at things like this at times Anne is...” Before George could finish Archer chimed in.
“There you go again, there every one goes again, you have Anne, Roger has Guine, Benjamin's has Carol, and Jonathan now has Lori. I do not have any body, how do you think it feels that I am the only one not married, I want to be married, I want God to bring the girl I am meant to be with now! I am the oldest I should have been married first!” Archer now looked more furious hen ever, and his voice began to get louder."
I'll leave it at here. Your story was developing really good, and you can probably make it better with your nitpicking. Just work on it, and you'll get great. Byezeez!
-wisegirl22
Hi there!
Here is my review for you!
First of all, this story was quite good. For this being one of your first stories you've ever written, I think you did a nice job weaving this together. It's a great start to your writing career.
I did, unfortunately, notice a few things I want to point out so you can improve your future writing pieces and learn from it to become a better writer.
I'd like to strongly suggest to you to proofread your work a few times before you post it. I found a big number of simple grammar and spelling errors that could have been seen and fixed if you had decided to go back and read over it once or twice. Most of the ones I saw (so you can watch over them next time) was lack of apostrophes, run-on sentences, and lack of commas. Yes, grammar and spelling should not matter as much as the actual story, but it is a big part of it nonetheless, and I just wanted to point it out to you.
This may just be me, but during the part when Lilly and the flower disappeared because of the witch and Archer left to go find her, I was a bit confused because Archer just kind of...left Rose standing there on her own. I think you should probably rewrite that part and make it so Rose can come with? It's just a bit strange to me that he would just leave his wife there in the dust after witnessing her own daughter disappear out of thin air, you know? This is just a suggestion.
Besides that, I think your story has a lot of potential! You did a great job on it for a writer just starting out. The strong theme of "To gain something, you most lose something" was really well-written. This always makes me think I'm reading about a folktale that is passed down through the generations. I enjoyed this a lot! Keep writing and getting practice--that's the only way to get better!
~R
Thank you so much!!! I love all the help I can get!! Especialy being new to this kinda thing! I will strongly think about the part you suggested!
Thanks!!!!:D