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One Fury - Chapter 1

Hey, this is a new series I would love to try. Encouragement and motivation are the best things you could give to me, but if you feel there's something lacking then by all means tell me.

Keep a look out, because I will post this frequently if I get positive feedback.

BTW, this chapter will have more of a prologuey feel than the others. Lack of description for more character and exposition. You get it.

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Chapter One

A lone figure shuffled along the grass, concealing himself in the night. He was constantly checking his position; if he strayed too far from the Eastern boundaries, he might lose his direction. He hated how often he had to check. It seemed every other second he glanced behind him, waiting for the glinting ripple effect to confirm that the boundary field was still there.

He clutched his stomach as if that was supposed to silence the growling. He guessed that he would resort to stealing food this early on, but he worried that he was defining himself as one of the more… lowly adventurers. But a quick change in justification made him think differently. This was just a quick trip to gather some provisions, and he would build up his reputation as he progressed.

After twenty minutes or so, his scuttling reached to a set of banners, bearing the symbol of a medieval tower. The Rook’s Guild. They are a generally neutral bunch, but notorious for hoarding. Food, resources, tomes… it seemed everything of value in this region belonged to them. Their central wooden fortress was not incredibly large, but it’s location is what gave it the advantage. Elevated on the highest of the rolling hills, the structure kept a distant but affirming dominance over the eight hundred or so yards that was the Eastern Region. A river rested between the adjacent slopes, an ideal location for farming and Aquatic training. The worst part was that only a completely devoted member of the Guild could enjoy these resources.

The infiltrator knew this all too well. Not from experience, however; he had done a great deal of research.

And so the figure crawled on, his head flooded with information. It was likely for this reason that what happened seconds later caught him by such surprise.

“Hello and welcome to the Mind’s Capability Experience, MCE. As you listen to this message, please consider the immense fortune you must possess to have a participation in this program.”

‘Damn!’ he screamed in his mind. ‘Damned idiot!’

In his attempts to secure his cloak, he must have hit a button that began playing the default message on his Auto Recorder. It had been carelessly placed in his front cloak pocket. He looked around quickly, There was no change at first, but a torch was suddenly activated from a tent not thirty meters away from him. It was at this moment he first realize that stealth was not his preferred approach; he never made that mistake again.

“You have the great opportunity of being one of the first to use what has just very recently been under experimentation: to maximize the brain’s potential in ways we never considered possible. The human mind is an incredibly complex tool, capable of solving equations even down to a millisecond.”

Once the message began, there was no stopping it. The intruder wrapped it inside of his cloak, but it did practically nothing to muffle the sound. Having listened to the message many times over before, he knew that the overly light and positive female voice would play out for a few more minutes.

“While the rest of the human body is also intricate, it’s main priority is survival and can’t be tuned for additional purposes. This is why we’ve developed a system of external storage for the brain, where you can focus to do incredible things. Create fire. Chanel electricity. Using your mind to project into powers we have dreamed of for centuries.”

Several more lights were activated, torches blazing consecutively. People were emerging from their tents, looking tired but alert nonetheless. The infiltrator had no idea how long it would take until their attacks fully charged.

“And that is the beauty of the MCE Mindzone. For your stay here, you will enjoy the massive landscape, flooded with nanoparticles that project your mental energy into physical, concentrated energy.”

He took this moment of recharge to activate his Attack Band. Quickly pulling back his sleeves revealed a thick, fitting yellow band labeled “Jolt Sphere ----- 1.” The moment he placed his left hand on the device, it immediately registered with the green activation light. Also at this moment, a bright orb flashed before him, buzzing with energy. It was sized enough to just be able to fit in the palm of his hand, but he knew better than to do that.

“This mental projection could be a revolutionary ability, to ensure self-defence for every person. But there could also be consequences. This is why you people are here; to begin a world in which this power is eminent. You will be able to see firsthand the impact of such a world. Each energy will be measured by a simplistic Level System to regulate a balance in power.”

He wasted no second. He allowed the ball of energy to swing by and hit the closest threat, which was the first person to wake. It slammed against the man’s torso, the impact causing him to fall on his knees. Electrical static visibly coursed through him for a moment. The ball rebounded and returned to the intruder’s side. It was all based on mental state; the more he concentrated on speed, the faster it would go, to an extent.

“Yes, we realize that fighting will break out among you. We realize that you will separate and create factions, guilds. We realize that you will experience pain. But this is all part of our agreement; you must be willing to contribute your life for a full and healthy experience.”

The recording was becoming fainter due to the commotion. To his left, the intruder faced two opponents, hands glowing with fully charged energy. Before him, a female guard emerged from the tent to examine the unconscious man. The promise of more guild members was approaching from his right.

“... conflicts such as these are not going against the experimentation. Being somewhat of a weapon, your external mental abilities will be observed and your choices to use them against each other will be most appreciated for our data.”

He sidestepped effectively in time to three projectiles fired from his left; stabbing the ground before him, putting out a torch beside him, and shattering at the structure behind him.

Frozen Crystal Shard. Level 4 attack. Incredible impact and velocity power, but limited to a three-round firing rate with a slower recharge. He remembered each weapon fired at him exactly as defined from his research.

The Rook that had finished examining her partner took her turn. She spread her arms wide. They glowed like stars, then came together to create a wall of psychic energy, practically her own size, in front of her. Celestial Wall. Level 7 attack. Creates a forceful wall of strong energy, which can additionally shot as a projectile. Effective for both offensive and defensive purposes. A forceful strike in the exact center will cause the mass to dissipate. If it is destroyed this way, delay time is prolonged. The guard pushed it with great speed. The man centered his Jolt Sphere to align with the wall, then fired it at its weak point. Like glass, the mass of energy shattered.

“Your skills and abilities will reflect your own personality and fighting style. You will choose how you progress, what you will focus on. This is an amazing opportunity to build up an identity for yourself; please do not waste it.”

The intruder looked around to discover a guard just releasing a Rolling Flame Attack. Level Five. Once fully charged, this takes the form of a fiery blade that rolls across the ground towards a target. It was too late to face it head on, so it was time to take the defensive. He began rotating the sphere around himself. Picturing nothing but himself as the axis, the ball whirled faster and faster, like a rapid tetherball without a string.

The rolling blade of fire was knocked aside with a loud clang as it collided with the ring of energy he was creating. He looked around. Each guard’s attacks were impressive, but they lacked a decent recharge time. They should have placed more varied guards, and this was their downfall.

“Despite this chance for individuality, please know that the Energy System is very thought out and balanced. This is why building Guilds and relationships is important. You will never see a single user able to take on several users.”

The intruder had successfully left three Rooks defenseless and recharging. At this point his allowed the Sphere to spin at a further distance, the diameter of his axis growing. With little change in course, the ball spun round in a forceful turn and consecutively made its impact on each one of them, only faltering slightly with each hit.

“This is why partnership between users is so important. If you advance your skills alone-”

He swung his ball towards the Guild’s gate until it became rubble, insuring a delay in reinforcements.

“... you would not develop your talents as naturally as we would like.”

All of the Rooks were down, and only the female appeared relatively conscious. After waiting a few seconds, the intruder decided he should leave before more come. As his mind wandered into different thoughts, his Jolt Sphere vanished, his armband deactivated.

“This is all for now. Please, make your life in the MCE Mindzone a calm and enjoyable time.”

Smoke rose from the wooden rubble, burn marks evident even in the darkness. As the intruder prepared his leave, the female guard hoarsely called for him. “You…”

The intruder walked slowly towards her, standing tall over his defeated opponent.

“Who are you, where are you from? Which Guild sends wishes of hostility upon us?”

Tucking his armband back into his wrist, the intruder smiled. This was the time to start doing what he really wanted; to build a reputation. It was time to make his mark.

“I identify with no Guild. But yet you should fear me equally as one. Yes, I defeated each one of you with a level one skill. As for my name, you can call me…” He paused. “One.”

Comments & reviews · 3
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anonymous1757 Review

This was very interesting. I liked that the story started out with a lot of action, and it got better and better.

The recording was a great device for the exposition on his powers, but why doesn't he just turn it off as soon as it starts playing?

'Chanel Electricity' might have been a spelling mistake but I actually kind of liked it, imagining a major fashion company creating weapons of mass destruction in the future :-) Chanel may not like the insinuation though, so be on the lookout for some perfumed ninjas :-P

User avatar
BrumalHunter
Review

Greetings, and a happy horrible Review Day!

Before I start the review, I would like to advise you not to post chapters too regularly. As much as we would like to, we YWSers cannot spend all of our free time reviewing, so maybe posting one, two at the maximum, per week is enough. Anyway, having said that, I can begin the review proper.

A lone figure shuffled along the grass, concealing himself in the night.

Though I love how carefully you choose your vocabulary, along does not fit in here. One can shuffle along a road, a parh, a carpet, but not along grass - it simply does not lead anywhere, and along indicates a fixed direction. I advise replacing it with across.

But a quick change in justification made him think differently. This was just a quick trip to gather some provisions, and he would build up his reputation as he progressed.

It's interesting how people start believing their own lies if they tell them often enough. This is a very subtle way of characterising a character, just make sure that the way you portray him now doesn't contradict what you may have planend for him.

Chanel electricity.

Spelled like this, channel is a name. It is a short vowel, so the consonant that follows must be doubled.

He sidestepped effectively in time to three projectiles fired from his left...

I believe you forgot to add the dodge which should have preceded three.

And that is most of the errors in this piece. Well, I'm sure you will find some more if you read through your work with the intent to find them, but the important thing is that your story thus far is good. I kind of get the idea that this world you have created is similar to a game, and this "One" is the hero who goes and defeats everyone.

What was especially interesting about this piece is how you have the Auto Recorder play throughout the action. It excellently provides the reader with information concerning the setting and background of this story, but without resembling an infodump.

All in all, this was a fascinating read, so I am excited to see what you will deliver next. Keep up the good work!

Image

About that bit with "believing your own lies"... it's funny that you should mention having that stick true to his character because that's exactly the reason why I put that in there. A little hint as to how he operates. Also... "and this 'One' is the hero who goes and defeats everyone." Defeats everyone, maybe. Hero... well its complicated. Thanks for the grammer fixes and the review!

I see. Feel free to tag me (or just post on my wall) when you post a new chapter and want me to review it.

Random avatar
krazywriter
Review

Quite the interesting story! I love how you used the recording throughout this piece. I noticed how what it was saying was often exactly what he wasn't doing, like taking on a group all by himself. Very clever.

A few things I noticed that could be improved:

"Creates a forceful wall of strong energy, which can additionally shot as a projectile."

There should probably be a "be" between additionally and shot.

I noticed you used "Level 7" and then "Level Five" later. The way the numbers are written should be consistent. Either have them all written out or all in numerical form.

"...the intruder decided he should leave before more come."

The last word should be "came."

There's a few corrections for you. You did a good job. This was very well-done. I'd love to read more of it!

Thanks a bunch! Thanks for all the little tweaks in grammer, paying attention to those is probably where I'm lacking. A new chapter should be in soon. I was thinking weekly, a time management thingy always helps. thanks again :P



I'm tired of books having villains who are just villains for no reason.
— EllieMae