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E - Everyone

The Casualty of war

by happyface


Chapter 1-1 . The Truth

They say, the first casualty of war is the truth, and I'm bound to agree with it. For years we have been guided to the wrong path, led by the leaders of the propaganda in which had justified their definition of 'war against terror'. But to be frank, the terror we have in our case, is not something we think of it as it is,

According to the dictionary I hold in my hand, Terror, is violent or destructive acts

Such as bombing committed by groups in order to intimidate a population,

Or government into granting their demands.

So, now I ask you, 'Are we really fighting against the terrorist?'

This whole 'war against terror' was a contradiction in the first place. Blinded by the false information, we've been the pawn for the political game. With all the false information, that was debunked in the first place, we see that the room that we are staying right now is a big mess.

What is terror? But to be more specific about the issue that I'm currently talking about, what is the truth that is hidden underneath our governments?


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 4:33 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Hey happy~
I appreciate your Watchmen avvie. It makes me happy to see.

Okay, there are two things that will take your essay so much farther than it is: examples and explanations. Without them, you sound like any other guy on the street complaining about the way things are. You're not going to persuade anyone with an essay like this. I would be slow to even really call it an essay. It's more like something that would be part of a blog.

For years we have been guided to the wrong path, led by the leaders of the propaganda in which had justified their definition of 'war against terror'.

Okay. How have we been led down the wrong path? What have these 'leaders of the propaganda' been doing to deceive us? Who are these leaders. Without names, this is sounding very conspiracy like. Don't be afraid to state political opinions by calling out the politicians you think are doing wrong.

Your paragraphs and spacing are really funky, and they make it hard to understand exactly what you mean and where the definition ends. Like Chips said, you need to cite your source better.

Blinded by the false information, we've been the pawn for the political game.

What false information? You never once tell the reader how the government is using us which makes your essay vague and useless. I don't know what purpose the definition of terror was supposed to fulfill. If that definition is correct, and the definition the government is supplying us is wrong, give us the definition the government is giving us!

It is never the reader's job to answer questions. Rhetorical questions are used as a hook at the beginning of a piece (quite honestly, I think rhetorical questions are a cheap way to get the reader interested). It's your job to tell us what's going on, and why we need to be suspicious.

I think that this topic has tons of resources that could help you and would support your argument if you just looked a little. Here's an article that might help you out if you decided to do a little research to improve this essay:
Image


If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, lemme know.
Keep writing,
Megs~




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 6:04 am
ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...



It's quite short, I was slightly disappointed on that.
I have issues with politics, I believe the government is hiding crud we should know from us. So this fit in my category. I hate politics, it's greedy. Venomous poison that infects the world with it's treacherous lies.
The government is like a leech, it takes everything out of us. Leaving nothing left.

I loved this despite how short it was.

ADVICE TIME!

-You should make it longer, at least 1000 words which is about 3-5 pages.

-I wasn't really sure whose point of view this was from...Yours?

-Was this: So, now I ask you, 'Are we really fighting against the terrorist?' meant for the reader to answer?

That's about it. I hope you took no offense. I did like this, so it wasn't meant to be bad I was only trying to help. Keep up the good work.

Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14

Writer, Artist, Student, and Reader




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Sat Jun 28, 2014 2:09 am
Pinkiegirl13 wrote a review...



Hi, happyface. This is Pinkie for a review. I like to be your reviewer if you don't mind.

This essay is very interesting. I am now learning about the meaning of 'war against terror' in our government. I like this essay very much. However, this essay is very short. You have to put more information for this because I need to know more about it. Also, you have some errors on here. Well, ChipsMcCoy did the grammar errors already so I just leave it be. Anyway, this essay has some good potential in it. I like to read more from you. I hope this review won't be hurtful. Have a nice day.

Good job and Keep on writing! :D

Cheers

Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13




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Fri Jun 27, 2014 8:14 am
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ChipsMcCoy wrote a review...



Hello happyface, Chips here with a review! And a belated welcome to YWS too, hope you've been enjoying it so far.

I see you've taken an interest with politics, war in particular which is usually a controversial aspect in itself. Well, I have some suggestions for your essay which may be of help to you.

"They say, the first casualty of war is the truth, and I'm bound to agree with it."

This first line, although a bold statement, I had issues with the generalization of you being bound to agree with it. It's more a matter of how you see things and in an essay I think it's better to keep personal opinions until the end of just briefly highlighted in the introduction.

"For years we have been guided to the wrong path, led by the leaders of the propaganda in which had justified their definition of 'war against terror'."

Here, I think you could have elaborated more on the "war against terror", concept for the reader there is not enough background information and detail on it so the reader can have a viewpoint.

"But to be frank, the terror we have in our case, is not something we think of it as it is,"

Here, at the end of the sentence, the correct period to add was a full-stop rather than a comma.

"According to the dictionary I hold in my hand, Terror, is violent or destructive acts"

This line was very informal and lacked punctuation. Instead of stating "the dictionary I hold in my hand", that is not very reliable as it could be made up information, you should state exactly which dictionary you gathered the definition from. Also when defining the meaning you use a colon after the word you are defining e.g. "Terror:" A full stop at the end also.
I'm also not sure why you stopped using paragraphs after this sentence, they are vital in essays and look more organized. Maybe its the formatting? I'm not sure if you intended to do that but if not, check over it.

"Such as bombing committed by groups in order to intimidate a population,
Or government into granting their demands."

Here, you need to be far more specific. Which groups are you addressing? You have to state them after making a statement about them. Also, which demands are they making which the governments are supposedly granting?

"So, now I ask you, 'Are we really fighting against the terrorist?'"

This line seems slightly disconnected, you've brought up a whole new focus of terrorists here.

"This whole 'war against terror' was a contradiction in the first place. Blinded by the false information, we've been the pawn for the political game. With all the false information, that was debunked in the first place, we see that the room that we are staying right now is a big mess."

Became a bit informal again with wording of the first line. You need to give detail on the "false information" given, as you've mentioned it twice here. The reference to the room being a big mess was confusing and didn't make sense, it wasn't very coherent either. Make sure you know enough about a topic to write an essay about it. This, as your conclusion was not a very strong one. Your essay seemed to be very bias and you needed other viewpoints and possibly some war statistics, give examples, names of places and people. It was lacking detail and topic knowledge.

"What is terror? But to be more specific about the issue that I'm currently talking about, what is the truth that is hidden underneath our governments?"

This ending, was basically starting a whole new concept, hence your essay felt unfinished.

Overall this had potential if you just edit it a lot more. Take this review with good intentions to help you, hopefully it didn't come off as too harsh.
Keep writing!

--Chips





Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain