"1, 2, 3, and kick," A middle age lady called out from the front of the class
as loud music blared from the speakers beside her. "Turn, turn, and stop."
As she said ‘stop’ all the hip-hop students held the pose listening as the
final notes of the up beat music faded away. "Very good every one! Recital
is only three weeks away." She praised loudly so the whole class of thirty
could hear her clearly. "And for the fist time in my life I think we're going to
be ready." She whispered to the young fourteen year old girl beside her.
"Mrs. Yankivish?" The young girl asked, her frame tall and erect; and her
voice like-wise.
“Yes, Hannah?” The lady said, turning her complete attention to her
inquisitive student.
“I know I’ve said this ever since we’ve started but I still don’t think I’m quite
getting the step ball change. For some reason it just doesn’t work with me.”
“Hannah, my dear, you are my star pupil and everything in hip-hop ‘works
with you’. I never understand how you keep finding things to come and ask
me about every class! But I suppose you wouldn’t be as good if you
didn’t.” Mrs. Yankivish sighed and placed strong hand on the young girl’s
straight shoulders. “Wait over there until we have the room ourselves
dear.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Valerie! Please don’t forget your gym bag again.” She called to a short
black haired girl about to run out the door empty handed.
“Oh drat! I’m sorry Mrs. Yankivish. I always forget it!” Valerie scurried
over to Hannah who was standing nearly on top of her bag.
“Hannah, when I was out there I saw that creepy guy again. When you
leave you probably should go a different way.” She whispered worriedly as
she bent to retrieve her forgotten bag. She threw it over her shoulder and
added, “And your sure that the police can’t do anything about him all of the
2nd level hip-hop class thinks he’s stalking you.”
“I wouldn’t call it stalking I just see him everywhere… and sometimes I catch
him staring at me…” There was a long pause. “But I talked to the police;
they said that a restraining order could not be placed until he actually does
something ‘offensive’.”
“That’s ridiculous!” The girl turned to leave. “I’d still go the other way.”
She called back.
“Thanks! I’ll take your advice!” Hannah called, truly grateful for her attentive
friends.
“Alright, that’s the last of them.” The teacher said as she positioned herself
in front of Hannah and faced the mirror. “They may be noisy but they
certainly pour out of here quickly.” Mrs. Yankivish smiled. “Alright, if you’re
ready just go through it once as I watch.” Hannah did as she was told
falling out of the step due to slight unbalance. The kind lady explained this
then showed what she was doing wrong. “Now try it once more.” Again
Hannah did as she was told this time getting it perfect.
“Thank you! I’m so sorry to take up your time!”
“I just wish the other girls would be as obsessed and passionate as you
are. May I ask are you as fervent in everything you do?”
Hannah turned to look at her mentor as she walked slowly toward the back
door.
“Everything, I’m not sure why but I drives me crazy if I don’t put my entire
mind and body into it.” Hannah felt some what awkward talking of herself.
“That is amazing! I hope you never change! I say, if you don’t become
some one great I’ll give up hip-hop!”
“Oh goodness,” Hannah giggled at her lively teacher “The reigning state
champion can’t quit. I’ll have to be very careful to get a good job.” Her
teacher smiled as Hannah turned and walked away. “Good bye thanks
again. I’ll see you next Friday” She called through the door as it glided to a
close behind her.
She stood alone out side on a slab of concrete that was the back patio. The
sun was just beginning to sink which made the spring day much cooler than
it had been. She shivered.
“Some days I can’t stand walking home after dance.” Hannah complained
while she unzipped her dance bag to retrieve a gold silk cover up.
“It is awfully cold out isn’t it.” A strange male voice rang from appallingly
close beside her. Shocked Hannah turned and found herself staring into the
face of a red haired young man (he looked to be in his late twenties).
“Oh! I’m so sorry! You scared me! Yes sir it is chilly.” Hannah tried zipped
her dance bag as she walked trying to get away from the stranger.
“You could ride in my car it’s got heating and though it doesn’t look like
much it’ll get you to the place you want to go.” Hannah glanced at the ratty
pick-up truck the stranger had motioned to.
“Sir, I hate to be rude,” she started walking faster as she noticed he was
starting to follow her. “But I’m going to walk.” Before another word could
be spoken she rounded the corner and sprinted away as fast as she could.
She did not dare to look back. A few blocks away she slowed her pace down
to her normal leisurely walk. She felt safe as she past the numerous
homely shops that made up the ‘good side’ of down town.
'I’m only a few blocks from my house. Who was that horrible man! He’s
not the usual creep that hangs around me! The usual one is some how…
nicer looking then that one.’
Shivering more from fear than cold, Hannah slowly trekked the remaining
distance. As she turned on to her street she caught a glimpse of what
looked like the creepy man she has grown accustom to. In a strange way
she was glad to see it was him.
Even if it was better to see him then the other, he still freaked her out and
she kept an eye on him while she walked the last few yards. As she got
further away he would make a subtle move in her direction.
I think he is stalking me Oh God! This is not right! God, I’m terrified! Help
me please.
As soon as she said it small wave of security coursed through her. It was
just enough to keep her going up to her front door. At the door she
chanced to look back and see the pick-up truck that the man had offered
her a ride in.
God! He’s back! Lord, HELP!
With out taking out the fake key and pretending to unlock it as she
normally did, Hannah opened and stumbled through the door. Immediately
she locked the door behind her and picked up the phone that was sitting on
the hall table beside her.
On the second ring her mother picked up the other end.
“Hello?” I pleasant voice rang from the other end.
“Mom…”
“Hannah! Is everything alright?”
“I’m really freaked out, mom. The creepy guy is STILL following me and
now some new guy tried to get me to ride home in his truck! What do I
do?” She prattled off hysterically.
“Honey, Calm down. Are you alright?
“Yes mom, I’m fine. I just can’t stop shaking.”
“I’ll come home right away if you want.”
Hannah sighed. “Would you mom? That would make me feel so much
better.”
“Yes, in fact I’ll pick you up and drive you to ‘Carla’s so you can keep to
your quota of going for Friday night special every week.”
“Thank you mom, so much! I love you.” With that they said goodbye, and
Hannah set the receiver back were it belonged. Sighing Hannah checked
the lock again, locked.
Dear Lord, why is this happening? If you will please make them stop
following me. I don’t think I can stand it much longer.
She prayed fervently, tears streaming down her face, as she sank to the
floor beside the door which she was to afraid to venture from.
In less then ten minutes her mother arrived and came tromping through the
basement door.
“Hannah? Hannah, where are you sweetie?”
“I’m here mom, by the front door.” Hannah replied as she rose slowly to
her feet.
“Oh honey!” Her mom exclaimed on seeing her daughter’s tear stained
face. “Are you sure you want to go we can stay here if you want.” Her
mother offered putting a loving hand around her daughter’s shoulders.
“No, I think that getting out would be much better. I need the distraction.”
Hannah replied.
“Very well, I love you sweetie.” Her mom hugged her close.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi! I got you PM and so here I am! It was much nicer to see more of this, as I've gotten to know the characters and setting better. I couldn't say much before because there really wasn't much to say about.
I'm hooked already and can't wait to see more.
Few nitpicks:
-I added the words 'a' and 'to'.
-your should be you're.
-I wouldn't use the word obsessed here. This is just an opinion though. Obsession is something negative. 'passionate' seems just about right. It would be ok if wrote on 'passionate' and took out 'obsessed'.
-Added a 't' over there. So you should probably put the 'I' in lowercase.
-Can explain WHY she usually pretend to unlock the door with a fake key as opposed to actually entering? It would clarify some confusion.
Yupp, that's about it I think, Tag pretty much covered up all the other mistakes.
I hope this was helpful.
Continue this and let me know when you post more.
quick quick write some more!
Sorry I had to stop all the sudden so it is short, but Im writing more
Thank you so much for all your reviews so far
Hey there
I also really like the twist / dilemma at the end, of preferring a familiar stalker as oppose to the new one.
I think this is a bit... tidsy. It's hard to give a good review when there's not really much there.
The main problem with things this short is that you haven't much room to really introduce the characters.
'A middle age lady,' - is she just a random lady, or is she the regular dance teacher? Your use of 'A' makes her seem much less important, so she'd probably benifit from a quick description. Tell us a bit about how she moves, is she also a great dancer, or is she getting a bit old now? Maybe her opinion of her group.
<EDIT>
The longer version is definatly better, you've brought your characters to life quite well, and there's something about that dance teacher that make me smile whilst reading this. I think it was probably this line;
"I say, if you don’t become some one great I’ll give up hip-hop!"
Personally, I preferred single line spacing, with just a double between paragraphs, but that's a matter of opinion I suppose.
"standing alone, Hannah found herself..." (six paragraphs up) You need a capital letter.
"I’ll take your advice!' Hannah called truly grateful" - I think there needs to be a commar after 'called'. (nine par' down)
'Truely,' can be hooked to either 'grateful' or 'called', so you need to put a commar before or after, to distinguish which one.
“Yes, Hannah?' The lady said turning" - commar after 'said'. (three par' down)
'Said' = Verb. 'Turning' = Verb.
Verb + Verb = Bad grammar.
You need a commar between them. Sorry, it's the easiest way to explain :p
Overall, nice work. I can't wait to read more
This is rather short so I can't say much.
Even though it's quite short it caught my attention and it was quite interesting. I hope you continue this. Just a few things that I noticed:
-Note how I've spaced it out after each bit of dialogue?
- I also changed 'sayed' to 'said'.
-I also put inverted commas on the word 'stop'.
Not much else that I noticed. It you write more on this--which I hope you do--let me know and I'll review it again.