September 15, 2014
It feels as though I am touching you through a window. Your palm pressed up against the plate glass window pane, in the middle of a vast and beautiful snow covered forest. So beautiful and enticing, however all I want is on the other side of pane. Our breath fogs up the frosty pane; sending a warming glow through the glass, up the sleeve of my flannel shirt, and into my being. If I could only touch the pads of your fingers, I think I would recoil my hand and slink back into the bleak shadows cast by the trees looming overhead. You are my center of gravity, the point from which my whole being is fixated, and I cannot even grasp the collar of your jacket. You are with me but without. The single pane of glass separates us from one another. I wonder what would happen if I were to tap the window covered in small sheets of ice which seemingly melt under your incandescent aura. Would your eyelid open and shut, would that single blink break the concentration necessary to keep me warm in the middle of the heart of winter? For will I ever be given the chance to draw back from the window, and permitted to go inside and view the cabin in its entirety? To view its inhabit in undisclosed scrutiny?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this is quite an interesting little story. Definitely got some really interesting things happening in that one...despite how simple it appears on the surface...well more details down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...this is a powerful little story...there...definitely seems to be telling quite a bit deeper of a story there than what's just been said to us on the surface of it. The surface story itself is constructed really nicely here...with just enough description to get a sense of what's going on and then the rest of its all about how this person would like to meet the other one separated from them by a glass window that prevents them from being able to see properly inside or have contact with this other person. Its definitely trying to tell us some sort of message I feel but then ehh...I could be wrong and I just might be overthinking this somehow.
I definitely like the overall idea here behind the story. It does make for quite an interesting read and that ending does have that slight cliffhangery feel to it where it just leaves you with a sense of things being incomplete and just sort of left for these two to permanently be separated from each other which definitely makes you as a reader ask a few questions and also feel a bit of sympathy here for these two. Well...pretty neat ending at any rate.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...it was an interesting read and I think its got the potential to be a suuper intriguing story here. Well at any rate, that's all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Before I say anything, I always tell everyone who I review, I don't review grammar or stuff like that. Only on what is written and my opinion on it
I'm not a professional, but I loved this! It's just so touching and it makes me feel like the character! I love it when people can write like that and pull me into the characters shoes. You did a great job at that. I could learn a few things from you
This was mentioned by another reviewer, but I didn't understand the ending as well, but hey that could be just me.
At the end I will just say great job! This is a great piece and thank you for sharing it. Goodluck in your future writing!
HEY! Fun fact, you don't know me, But I'm an older member and I was gone but now I'm back and you're my first returning review. Tell me how I do
end of the pane.
Just an observation: you used the word pane three times in the first three lines. Synonyms are awesomeeeee!
pads is a slightly awkward way to phrase it.
I'm just a little confused. If he/she is all the narrator wants then why would they recoil at the touch? It might just be me misinterpreting.
this is a good line!
I don't really understand the last two lines. Like you probably know, the opening and closing lines are the most important of any piece, no matter the length. I get a little lost as you try to close and I don't know exactly what you're trying to convey. Maybe rewording would help me understand.
Overall the piece was really good. You establish a strong relationship very quickly and the mood lingers and stays consistent throughout. It's romantic without being cliche which is refreshing and I even got some underlying emotion like desperation and neediness but you didn't beat me over the head with it. The subtlety was great. Other than that my only tips would be to strengthen the imagery even more. It's already strong and the glass is a great effect, but you can go even further. Explain the forest. Why is she outside? What's the inside like? Just some questions to think about. And then lastly, sort of paired with adding imagery, take out the abstractions. "beautiful" "enticing" yada yada. Try to replace those with images instead of explicitly saying it.
Good work! If you posted on my wall I would totally review your other work!
(unless you hate me, then I won't)
Change
Thank You so much! Yes I totally agree about the pane redundancy after I re-read it! Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my work!
I see this as both a short story and a poem, it's so poetic and beautiful. I really like your imagery and what your painting here. Though it isn't the most unique story on earth, I really like it.
Any issues? Only two, one being: "on the other side of pane." Just a little mistake, but to remedy this kind of thing from happening, if you don't do it already, is to let a few close friends or family read your story when you're finished with all of your drafts. I know it's a little unwanted to let other people change your work, but don't sweat, it's just a half a dozen of your friends finding errors and telling you if something needs to be changed or not. Trust me, a lot of good comes out of doing this.
The second issue is the redundancy of the word "pane" during the first five lines. It's a little repetitive and kind of took me out of the beauty of the story.
But, this is still a good story that paints a beautiful picture.
Good work!
Thank You so much for taking the time to read and review my work! I definitely agree about the redundant wording! thanks!
i loved this piece. it is simply amazing how you are able to express the writer not knowing their love with the glass theme. i loved the bit about her not being able to even grasp the collar. its so detailed and i love your descriptions. the longing and thought put behind it is really good. i think you should try to be a bit clearer for those who cannot find the deep meaning behind words
good work! i'd love to see more
thank you so much! The fact that people actually read this is phenomenal!