March
23d 1962
A
body. A mind. A coat. The coat is brown.
No,
it’s not brown. It’s black. The coat is black.
I
am on a beach. I am unsure of how I got here; everything is a trance.
How did I get here? There are no people here, I am utterly alone. It
feels wonderful, being alone. The wind from the trees, the salt from
the water. It is saltwater, right? I run towards the water, and it’s
difficult. The shoes are heavy, they are heavy with a need to pull my
ankles off.
I
am wearing my mothers’ boots. I am wearing her coat too. I now
remember that she made me go outside for a “walk”. I’ve been
inside for over a month. Haven’t eaten that much. I put my hands in
the water. It’s cold, but it doesn’t hurt. I take one of my hands
out and put it to my lips. It’s saltwater. My hair is starting to
fall out. I haven’t been to school in fifty-seven days.
*
I
am listening to the radio by the living room window; my mother is
trying to ask me something that I cannot hear. The radio is talking
and talking. I once talked back to the radio. I laugh as I think of
it. “Will you shut the radio off please?” my mother says, and she
shuts it off for me. “What?” I say. “Would you like some tea?”
she asks. I turn the radio on again and shake my head. “I hate tea.
Especially your tea”. John. F. Kennedy is getting ready to speak.
“Turn him off please” my mother says. She voted for Nixon. I look
at my mother, she is running all over the living room, tidying up.
“Why are you cleaning?” I say over the sound of the radio, but
she doesn’t answer. “Mother!” I shout and she twirls around.
“Quit shouting in my house, Sylvia” she says and runs over to
turn the radio off again. “Why are you tidying up?” I ask. “I’m
not tidying up”, she answers and collects the records scattered
around the coffee-table. “Yes, you are. Will there be people here?”
My body is numb. My breathing speeds up. My mind goes through the
plan of what to do if there will be people coming over:
-
Leave
I
pinch my thigh and loosen my hair from the tight ponytail. “No,
Sylvia, put your hair back up, you need to look nice”. I stand up.
“Who’s coming?” I ask and my mother turns around to look right
at me. I study her dress and her neck and her mouth. Her eyebrows
rise and then she wrinkles them. “I invited Doctor Litbough here.
He is a very good man.”. There is silence, I pick at my cuticle
bands faster and faster until I feel something loosen. I look down at
my fingers and it starts to bleed. I want to make sure I have control
of my voice before I speak. “Is that a shrink?” I ask in a
high-pitched voice. “He is a psychiatrist, Sylvia” she says
calmly and tries to touch my hair. “Let me put your hair back in a
nice ponytail. When was the last time you washed your hair?”, she
asks, and I step back. My legs jerk for no reason. “I am not crazy,
mother.” My mother sighs and comes closer. “Of course, you’re
not, Sylvia. This man wants to help you. You need to go back to
school. You need to eat. You need to be able to talk to people”
“No.”
I say. “I am not a psychopath” I say.
The
doorbell rings. We stand on the living room floor for a minute. The
bell rings again. My mother looks at the door, she starts to slowly
move towards it. I grab her arm and she jogs towards the door. Her
small heels click and clack against the hardwood floor. “No!” I
scream. “No!” I run after her, clinging on her arm.
I
scream and bite her right before she opens the door. She screams back
and peels me off of her. We stand in silence. Breathing. “Mrs.
Tucker? Are you quite alright?” A strange, thin and manly voice
comes from behind the door. My mother tucks a strand of hair behind
her ear and puts on a smile. She opens the door.
*
“Why
are you not in school, Sylvia?”.
There
is a stranger in our living room. His name is Doctor Litbough. I
think he is in his fifties. I don’t answer him. My mother puts her hand
on my shoulder. I look at her arm and notice the bite mark from
earlier. Doctor Litbough notices it too. He looks at me. I look away.
“Where is your father?”, he asks me. “Not here”, I answer.
Silence. “You are unwed?” Doctor Litbough asks my mother. “No.
He is still my husband”, my mother says. “Very well.” Doctor
Litbough says and leans back into the sofa. “Can I offer you some
coffee, Doctor Litbough?” my mother says and stands up. Doctor
Litbough looks at me, and then back at my mother. “Yes, please.
That would be wonderful, thank you.” My mother clears her throat
and straightens her skirt before she walks with slow steps towards
the kitchen. She stops and looks at me for a second. She closes the
door to the living room. I study Doctor Litbough’s face. He looks
at me. I look at his notebook.
S
Y L V I A – SIXTEEN YEARS OF AGE is
written with blue ink on the top of the page.
Not
eating
Not
sleeping
Not
going to school
Difficulties
with speaking out/to people.
“I
can put the notebook away if you want?” he asks. I shrug. He puts
the notebook in his briefcase. “Do you have any questions for me?”
he asks. I look at him. He has a beard.
“Did
you listen to the radio today?” I ask. My voice is still high
pitched. He nods and smiles. “Did the President speak?” I ask. He
nods again. “Are you interested in politics?” Doctor Litbough
asks. I shrug again. “Can you do a JFK impersonation?” I ask. He
laughs.
“Your
mother tells me that you’re afraid to … speak?” he asks,
ignoring my question. I wish he would stop looking at my face.
“Mother says a lot of things.” I reply. “Well, is she correct?”
he asks. Silence. I hear my mother opening cabinets in the kitchen. I
nod. “I can’t manage speak to people at school. I find it strange
that I am speaking to you at all. No offence.” I say. I am unsure
of where to put my hands. They can’t find the right place in my
lap. “None taken” he says and smirks. “What happens when you
try to speak to someone?”. I think of the last time I was at
school. “I want to leave.” I say. “Did you have an
uncomfortable episode with speaking at school?” he asks. I nod. “Is
that why you’re not at school?” he asks. I nod. “I tell my
mother that I have migraines, and that I can’t go to school because
it hurts so much.” I say and continue: “I don’t think she
believes that anymore, seeing that there’s a shrink here. And
shrinks don’t cure migraines. I’m very afraid of the school”. I
say and breathe sharply out. I pinch my thigh and Doctor Litbough
notices. “Are you hurting yourself?” he asks. “No, I’m just
pinching myself.”, I answer. “Did you bite your mother earlier?”,
he asks. I nod. “Do you sometimes find that being violent is better
than speaking?” he asks. I shrug.
“Can
you tell me what your favorite food is, Sylvia?”, Doctor Litbough
asks me. I close my eyes. He repeats the question. “I’m
thinking”, I answer. I inhale, and a strong scent of peppermint and
tobacco hits me. I can still hear my mother hiding in the kitchen.
“Mashed potatoes”, I answer, and I tear up. Doctor Litbough nods.
“Do you want to eat mashed potatoes now?”, he asks, and I ignore
his question. “Can you do a JFK impersonation?”, I ask again. He
sighs. We sit there for a minute. Doctor Litbough pulls his fingers
through his beard. He stands up and clears his throat. I look up at
the man standing in front of me. He opens his mouth and says with a
deep, very posh-American voice: “We
choose to go to the Moon! We choose to go to the Moon in this decade
and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they
are hard.”
He even puts his hand on his heart as he says it. I smile. Doctor
Litbough smiles back. “Is that what he said on the radio earlier?”
I ask. And I don’t think before I speak this time. I sit down. I
feel dizzy. “Yes” Doctor Litbough says. “I would like to go to
the moon” I say. Doctor Litbough sits down again, out of breath.
“Sylvia, listen to me” he says and leans forward. He puts his
hands together on the coffee table. “You will do so much more than
go to the moon.” I shake my head, not understanding. He looks at
me. Doctor Litbough nods and says, “You will do so much more than
just go to the moon.” He stands up again. Sits down. Reaches for
his briefcase and pulls out the notebook. “Do you know who Franklin
Roosevelt was?” he asks me. I nod. “Do you know what he said
once?”, he asks, and I shake my head. “He said: “The only thing
to fear, is fear itself”. He starts eagerly writing something in
his notebook. I watch him. He rips out the page and folds it. “I
think our time is up, Sylvia.” he says and stands up. I nod. “Okay”
I say. My mother comes into the living room. “We didn’t have any
coffee beans left, Doctor.” she says and apologizes. “That’s
quite alright, Mrs. Tucker”. He puts his coat on and gives the note
to my mother. He gives me a nod before he walks out of the door.
*
“Have
you taken your medicine?” my mother asks. I am getting ready to go
to bed. I nod. “Okay, then. Good night, dear.”, she says and
kisses me on the head. Before she walks out of the bedroom, she
stops. “Oh. The Doctor asked me to give you this.”, she reaches
her hand out and gives me the note that Doctor Litbough wrote. The
bite mark is fading, I look at my mother’s face. I look at the
note. My name is written on it. My mother leaves the room.
I
read the note.
You
will choose to speak out! You will choose to go to school in this
decade, and you will eat mashed potatoes! Not because these things
are easy, but because they are hard.
- Dr.
Litbough
Points: 9075
Reviews: 111
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