In Hopewell Bay High Kelly Fischer knows that the most popular girl in the school named Vanessa could take anything from her. She already took her friends. At school lunch, Kelly’s two friends want to sit at Vanessa’s table rather than Kelly’s because Vanessa offered free pizza day. Vanessa threw her and her boyfriend’s anniversary on the same day as Kelly’s 16th birthday when Vanessa had persuaded to use her dad’s yacht that day so Kelly had less people come to her party then at Vanessa’s. Of course Kelly is not sure if Vanessa and her boyfriend Brandon are really official.
When Vanessa moved up to Kelly’s classes she would sit in Kelly’s usual seat. So every morning there is a heated argument about who gets to sit in the middle of the class. Vanessa wins by intimidation. Then Kelly would have to sit in the back with no one to talk to and far away from her crush. Vanessa had ruined her social life.
One stormy afternoon when Kelly was late to class, she first went to the administration building to get a tardy pass. When she leaves to go to the main building, she spots Vanessa and her friends walking carelessly from the opposite direction. Vanessa bumps into her with her shoulder hitting her head really hard that Kelly falls over into the garden.
“Oops.”Was all Kelly hears.
She urges herself back up to see that everyone was gone. Still dizzy, she spots a well far out in the school fields. She walks over to explore it. She leans in deep inside to find a light. To get a better look she leans in further. She falls into a vortex. Now she is surrounded by a bunch of colorful lights alternating as she slowly falls.
She landed on a little clearing surrounded by dead trees. The occasional sound of dripping would make her jump. So she walks down the strange, dark creaky place. The only thing lighting her way is the pink moon above her. She spots a bunch of flashlights pointing at her. As she gets near she can tell that the flashlights are two pairs of red eyes. She just watched as two trolls walk closer to her. Their skin is green and scaly, and one of them had an amulet around its neck.
“Who are you?” The taller one asked in a creepy whisper, cornering her
“Kelly.” She gulped.
“I am nom and this is my wife nori.” The tallest one pointed to the shorter plump one with the amulet.
“Is there any way out of here?” Kelly asked.
They both turn to look at each other and speak in another language.
“Stay for dinner.” Nom said.
“um..no thank you I have to get back…” Kelly insisted.
“No. Stay for dinner!"They exclaimed.
Kelly just stood by the fire thinking of a plan to escape.
She went to spy on them as they cook. She passes through a bunch of human bodies. There are human body parts all over her path. Nori and Nom are boiling water with a human head in it. They spot her watching. Kelly makes a run for it. They catch up to her right at the area she started. She spots the pink moon.
“It’s time” Nori said pointing to her amulet that is lighting up.
“Yes it is” The other one said pulling out his knife.
They both came closer to her as she backed up.
“We must take your soul to bring light to this land.” Nori explained pointing to her amulet.
“then we feast on your body”
“No. Don’t!” Kelly looked at Nom.
“Time is running out.” Nom said as he is about to strike her.
Kelly dodged him and then shoved him to the wall.
Nori came toward her. Kelly pulled her amulet apart from her neck. “
No!” Nori’s voice faded as her body turned to dust.
Both of the well creatures sunk back in the ground and died.
Kelly jumps up trying to aim herself at the pink moon. She lands into a vortex. Pulling herself up out of the well with all her strength she lands back in the pitch dark school fields. Kelly didn't know her wish would be deadly. She walked home wet and bloody.
The next day at school, Kelly’s crush waves at her then Vanessa pulls him away from her view then starts talking to him. If there is anything Kelly learned from being trapped in the well, It is that you should definitely not let anyone or anything take anything from you anymore.
“What exactly are you doing?” Kelly went up to Vanessa.
“Just talking to Kyle.” Vanessa said.
“He was talking to me first.” Kelly snapped.
“Get over it” Vanessa barked.
“How about you go away.” Kelly said cleverly.
“Oh I see you grew a backbone all of a sudden.” Vanessa laughed.
“You have tried to take everything from me including my friends all because of you, I’m deprived of a social life. All this needs to stop really bad.” Kelly cried out.
“Sorry, I guess I was jealous of you. I wanted to be like you because I wanted Kyle.
So I wanted all you have.” Vanessa Explained
“What?” Kelly looked surprised.
“Yes, I wish I had your personality.” Vanessa smiled.
“Be mysterious and nice.” Kelly answered.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hello,
This is a great story. It was very interesting.
However, it does seem very fast paced. Maybe you could spend more time on it and make it longer. It might be good to describe things a bit more.
Also, I think you need to go back over this story and look at punctuation. There are times when you didn't use a capital letter or full stop such as 'then we feast on your body'. There should be a capital letter at the beginning and a full stop at the end. At the end of speech sometimes it makes it look better if you change the full stop to a comma such as "How about you go away," Kelly said cleverly.
I hope this helps.
Hello hamei90!
Add some more description and you'll be flying off with this story. Another thing that i have to add is to take out the part, "school named Vanessa could take anything away from her". I would write something like this, "Vanessa. That was her name. The name of the most popular girl in school. The girl with power..." Something that isn't too simple but not to complex and still hooks the reader in... I wouldn't consider myself to be a very good writer so don't follow my writing that much.
This is Magenta here to review Deadly Wish which you submitted online to be reviewed. As a Cobalt Crtitiquer, it is my duty to correct and review everything I see. I saw yours! I think that you did a good job developing the plot and characters. But this is a review, so I must go on!
"In Hopewell Bay High Kelly Fischer knows that the most popular girl in the school named Vanessa could take anything from her."
I think that you could have a stronger opening sentence here because it seems a little too bland to be your opening for the story. I'm sorry if that came out wrong, but I know that you have the potential to do it!
"One stormy afternoon when Kelly was late to class, she first went to the administration building to get a tardy pass. When she leaves to go to the main building, she spots Vanessa and her friends walking carelessly from the opposite direction."
I wouldn't use "carelessly here". Maybe another word like "nonchalantly" or something close to that. Who knows?
Anyway, there were only minor mistakes which you could easily fix. But great job in portraying the stereotype of the high school teens. It takes effort.
~ Magenta
Nice Story! Pony123 here to review!
I think you did a good job of capturing teen age girls and putting it on paper. You made Vanessa the cliche jerk, and Kelly, the nice kid. That's High School on paper for you. I like the ending where Vanessa tells Kelly she's jealous of her personality. It feels kind of cliche though. Especially the beginning and end parts. You also switched tenses alot, for example:
"One stormy afternoon when Kelly was late to class, she first went to the administration building to get a tardy pass. When she leaves to go to the main building, she spots Vanessa and her friends walking carelessly from the opposite direction. Vanessa bumps into her with her shoulder hitting her head really hard that Kelly falls over into the garden.
“Oops.”Was all Kelly hears. "
You switched from present to past to present again. Try to be consistent in your tense.
Overall, it was very cliche, but if you over look that, you have a nice story.
Pony123
How do I switch the stories category??
Timmyjake to give you a review here!!
This is a great short story, full of things that we teenagers go through daily, and some things that we never would go through.
I agree with the review below that you should switch the genre, putting it into fantasy and teen fiction instead of sci-fi. There doesn't seem to be anything sci-fi in it to speak of... I have a few nitpicks! I'll just list them off for you and explain what I mean!
The biggest thing I noticed with this piece right away was that you switch constantly from present tense to past tense... For instance:
Ok, so this part seems really empty, devoid of thought and feeling. What I think should go in here is maybe Kelly shoves Vanessa. Or maybe Vanessa backs up hurriedly. Anything at all would help to break up the speech a little bit.
I want to see some emotion there. Or maybe Kelly reaching over and touching Vanessa once they are done fighting...
One more thing I have to say is this: Her crush, Kyle, is there, but he isn't there. He needs to be more than just a backdrop. Maybe during their fight he can step inbetween them, trying to break it up? Anything would help make it seem like he is more than furniture in the scene.
I know that this might seem really harsh, but this was really good! If it makes you feel any better, I don't review stuff unless I really like it!
Keep writing! I loved this piece!
~Timmyjake
Thank you so much!You helped out a great deal!!I needed a nitpick as this is my first work. I guess I made some mistakes I need to fix my tenses and fix my character reactions but anyways thank you so much for helping correct my mistakes you were a big help!
Hey there, I'm not so sure this story belongs in the Sci-Fi genre as I think it would be better suited as a Fantasy work. That aside, let's get on with the review.
This piece has a few consistent and very confusing errors with tense. Tense was something that devastated me when I began to write and it's not something to be scoffed at. As an example, you sometimes use past tense (writing about events that have already happened):
And then in the next sentence you use present tense (writing about events that are happening right now):
This really isn't something that can be ignored, you have to decide which tense this piece takes place in and ensure you stick to it for the duration of the story. Otherwise, it can make following the action of the piece very difficult, especially in longer pieces of writing.
I think this piece would benefit from some extra length. If you go back and look at the length of your sentences you can see how fast paced this story is. You barrel through the events of the plot rapidly, not stopping to give us some description of Kelly's feelings upon being brought to an entirely different dimension for example.
Kelly encounters a whole new world with mythical creatures and some kind of prophecy fulfilling amulet, kills two trolls and escapes and then is back at school the next day like it was just another Monday afternoon. I think you should think about what Kelly as a character would really think about when experiencing these events and try to implant that into the story.
Also, I think the ending is a bit unrealistic. I understand that Kelly has gained some kind of confidence after her amazing and unique experience, but to say that the girl who has bullied her so harshly would just fold and admit something like jealousy just seems to break what writers call the 'suspension of disbelief.' It's a writer's ability to make a reader believe that their characters really are fighting trolls, and oddly, it's the ending which broke this feeling for me.
Lastly, be careful with sentences like;
She can't really jump upwards and land in something, can she? Unless her jumping results in her falling, it isn't landing and has a similar air of confusion as the tense errors mentioned earlier.
Please don't feel like I have said this piece is bad. I understand that some people find my reviews harsh, but I don't believe in giving weak or ambiguous reviews, no one learns from that. I hope I have helped in some way and I hope you keep on writing, because it's the only way we improve as writers! Happy new year and keep it up!
Thank you for the helpful review as I do need improvement on adding feeling on the characters' part. I am intentionally making her jealous.. As for my tenses yeah I do seem to of made a mistake in that sentence but anyways thank you
All comments and reviews will be appreciated.
why is my story not showing up??
I can see it fine