I Wonder

by hamandcheeseisation

  • Poetry

Published February 21, 2013

12+

In Poetry

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I wonder if you’ll wonder how the earth goes ‘round
If stars spin out while we’re on the ground
How black holes suck (metaphorically?)
How whales down south don’t fall out the sea
 
I wonder if you’ll wonder if the sun goes out,
At night, or if we’ll leave this drought,
Of mindless people, robots, see?
I wonder if you’ll be like me
 
I wonder if you’ll wonder why life’s so dull,
Why kids now’days don’t seem to mull
On life, or strife, wars, violence,
We’re robots now, I say, and, hence;
 
I wonder if you’ll wonder why daddy’s not here,
Why mummy cries when you come near
And ask, “Will dad ever come home?”
I wonder when you’ll know, that maybe, I won’t.
Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
bullhead21
Review
bullhead21 wrote a review Review · Feb 21, 2013

I think this is an interesting piece overall but I am a bit confused whether you are strictly talking about the child because there are some several concepts you bring up that allude to both nature and technology. The last stanza does depict that the poem is about the child but the other three stanzas are confusing to how they are significant to your work as a whole. There is definitely a tone of curiosity and despair from the rhetorical questions which plays an important role to the meaning of you work as a whole.

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tteele
Review
tteele wrote a review Review · Feb 21, 2013

This made me wonder ...
And i suppose that's a good thing when poetry makes you wonder . I love how the questions just get hung in the air and stay there and you just sit and wonder and think .. Try to make more sense out of the poem for yourself.

But the " (metaphorically) " disturbed me a bit :P If you go for a metaphor go for it , don't doubt. It will only make the poem more interesting , even if people don't quite understand it.

Nice poem , or should i say wonder(ful) :P
(yes a lame joke to the end)

User avatar
Clarity
Review
Clarity wrote a review Review · Feb 21, 2013

Hey, Clarity here to review.

So, I'm guessing this poem ends on the fact of a child wondering whether their dad will come home?
It's a nice concept, and the way you are wording everything fits together, but it can also confuse us as the reader. I've done it plenty myself- writing so that you understand it, but don't word it so other people can correctly get the picture you are trying to create. It's quite easy to fix, you just need to pick a different word of choice and make sure the structure flows. :)

I wonder if you%u2019ll wonder how the earth goes %u2018round
If stars spin out while we%u2019re on the ground
How black holes suck (metaphorically?)
How whales down south don%u2019t fall out the sea

The first two lines are quite good, it's a clever way to start out, by introducing a thought to the reader. Also, you need a comma after the first line, and full stop after the second. Remember, most poetry needs punctuation, even though omission of punctuation is sometimes allowed for a certain purpose. If you have a purpose for no punctuation- make sure you clear that up for us.
"How black holes suck (metaphorically?)" Are you asking whether this should be used as a metaphor? Well, using a black hole is a good idea... but don't use "suck" you need a word that evokes emotion in the reader. Try: engulf, drain, attenuate. They have more meaning that plain old "suck".
The last line is good... but is easily answered by science logic, isn't it? So, make it more mysterious and vague, don't state it plain and simple.

I wonder if you%u2019ll wonder if the sun goes out,
At night, or if we%u2019ll leave this drought,
Of mindless people, robots, see?
I wonder if you%u2019ll be like me

You're structure is messed up here... and the whole stanza confuses me.
"I wonder if you'll wonder if the sun goes out,
At night," This needs sorting out. I understand that writing poetry while trying to fit in a rhyming scheme, matching up stanza length and line length, can be hard. But you need to still make sure it makes actual sense to read! "I wonder if you'll wonder if the sun goes out at night" Is how you should write this, no comma and no capital in 'at'. Also, after a comma, you don't need a capital letter.
"or if we'll leave this drought,
Of mindless people, robots, see?" You did it again here... but it can be fixed! Otherwise, these lines... I liked! :D

I wonder if you%u2019ll wonder why life%u2019s so dull,
Why kids now%u2019days don%u2019t seem to mull
On life, or strife, wars, violence,
We%u2019re robots now, I say, and, hence;

Hm, this is interesting, very strange but it has a good air about it... I like it.

I wonder if you%u2019ll wonder why daddy%u2019s not here,
Why mummy cries when you come near
And ask, %u201CWill dad ever come home?%u201D
I wonder when you%u2019ll know, that maybe, I won%u2019t.

And at last, I love it. Just remember what I said about punctuation and capital letters.


Overall, this is really good and has a lot of potential to be amazing! It could be a little longer, but if you fix up the stanza's it's fine the way it is. You should lead up more to the meaning, and if I guessed the oncept right- make it relate more to the rest of the poem, if I guessed wrong- make your concept clear!

Anyway, well done and make sure you keep writing. Just PM me if you want some help!

-Clarity'xo


Clarity
Clarity replied · Feb 21, 2013

I don't know what happened to the quotes... I just tried to edit it and it won't work. So, sorry for that :/

User avatar
MilesGrayson Comment
MilesGrayson commented Comment · Feb 21, 2013

I've never really understood poetry, but this seems pretty good. But as always poetry has left me confused.



It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela