In the season of sunkissed smiles
Of sunsets
and night skies rivaling no other
Our innocent gazes
garnered great force,
the electricity between us manifested in
lightning storms
that mesmerized
all who witnessed them
I remember how it felt,
or, how you made me
feel
lucky to be noticed, and
maybe even wanted
by you
A foolish thing, to think
that I needed a second glance
from you
to elevate me
to where I wished
I saw myself
I told myself to forget,
but after so little,
I dug you out of
the back of my mind,
dusted you off,
and placed you on a
pedestal
We look back
and judge ourselves
for the choices we’ve
made,
and decide they’ve been a mistake,
but we can’t go back in time
and reverse
what we’ve done
We don’t know
what we’ll learn from those
mistakes
until after we’ve made them
I don’t know how long
it’ll take me
to take you off
your pedestal,
and trap you in the
back of my mind
for good
I tell myself that
you have no control
over me, when deep down
I know I’d do anything
to know what it was
that drew you to me,
or to see you smile at me
once more
But I’ll remind myself
that on those summer nights,
when all I could see
was you,
the sky was full of
glistening stars
The universe in front of me
is infinite,
on a planet full of
billions of people,
you are not the center
of my world.
I’ll repeat it until
I believe it.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hey there, halfxheart !!
This is Eros here with a review for you !
The title of the poem is very catchy and attractive. The title is neither too short nor too long. It's perfectly short and sweet.
The presentation of the poem is very good. I loved the whole poem and the theme.
Though my suggestion for the last two line,
I would rather put it as
The overall flow of the poem is awesome and the poem flows very smoothly. The ideas in the stanzas are Linked through each other very smoothly. That is the flow I am talking about. But the last two lines seems to interrupt the flow.
The choice of set of the words is very apt and appropriate. The comparison of nature and the natural elements is done beautifully ...
Example :
Sunkissed smile.
It was awesome.
I loved the piece. Thank you for sharing your ideas through this sweet poem, full of romance and the all the emotions are expressed wonderfully.
Great work !
Keep writing such beautiful and interesting poems and other stuff and we will be glad to read and review them !
Have a great day / night !!
~Eros.
Hello, shaniac here to review this poem!
I like the idea you have going into this poem. The first few lines really bring out that emotion that the narrator feels towards who they are writing this to. There is a sort of cliche sappy feeling that does arise as the poem continues on, but that's how love is, I suppose. The good kind, anyway. A small suggestion that I do have is trying to add some periods in places because, at the end of this poem, you start using them. It is best to have a sort of pattern with punctuation.
"I remember how it felt,/or, how you made me/feel" is the chunk I want to focus on right now. When you say "it", what exactly are you trying to convey? I believe what "it" might be is the attraction between the two, but that is just assuming. Perhaps you could replace "it" with "love"? I think that way that stanza could have a main focal point. In the same chunk, the ending with "maybe even wanted/by you" feels a bit awkward. By that I mean, the transition into the next stanza should not be apart. You should combine them to make the ending smoother.
The seventh stanza feels a bit out of place with the rest of the poem. The prior stanza before this one kind of talks in the same vein as the seventh stanza, but the stanza after that one goes back to talking about taking the person off the pedestal. What I think you should do is reword it a bit so that it can transition nearly into the eighth stanza. The one that I'm referring to is "We don't know/what we'll learn from those/mistakes/until after we've made them". Also, the wording for those lines feels a bit awkward, as well.
To cap, I like the idea that you have presented here. The last few lines really do bring out the love and hope that this person does have. I want to suggest that you try adding some punctuation here and there to balance out the periods. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!
Hey halfxheart! Katja here to hopefully provide you with helpful feedback on your poem. Please feel free to diregard any of my comments or suggestions should you find them unhelpful! That being said, let's get onto the review!
My Overall Opinion & Interpretation
Overall, I really love your poem. It seems to be being narrated by one who is deeply in love or at least drawn to another who also was drawn to them. They are attempting to convince themselves that this person is not the center of their world. Though, the key word is "attempting". I really did enjoy your poem, it very easily conveys the longing feelings this person has, yet their resistance to long for them, as it is implied that something went awry in their relationship pretty quickly leaving the narrator to feel regret for allowing them so much pull over their emotions. This is very touching to me and I feel empathy for them as I can relate to these feelings on a small level.
Suggestions
This line seems to emphasize the relationship between them as having been good and even struck others as being "mesmerizing". I just wish there was more given to the reader to understand why and what changed to make the narrator want to forget them and even viewed them as a "mistake"? It would help to understand the turning point more.
The length of some of your line and the way you separate them into choppy/short lines doesn't feel like it works here. Again, purely opinion-based, but I feel like separating the lines so often just feels off and messes with the flow. It also draws out the poem and put pauses in the lines where it doesn't feel necessary or appropriate.
What I Liked
I really liked that your poem started off sweet and emphasized the beauty in all things including the relationship between the narrator and this person. It really helps us understand the pull this person had on the narrator until the turning point.
What a beautiful image to start us off with! These opening lines are what drew me in to continue reading. Very well-written and your use of imagery is beautiful.
That's all I have for you today. I look forward to reading more of your work soon!
Keep writing,
-Katja
Thank you so much for your kind words! I definitely was thinking the same thing about that stanza, so I'm going to change up the spacing. I'm glad you liked the poem