Young and Beautiful

I've seen the world

Done it all

Had my cake now

From a moment of fear, I found myself at your doorstep once again. I saw the illuminating light that shone, like a candle in the dark night, through your front window, as I watched from your doorstep. I felt my fingers brush against your doorbell, for a moment, overcome with a certain apprehension I felt before pressing the button, having it sound the recognizable tone that I had memorized for years. For a few seconds, I stood in the dark, until I heard shuffling on the other side of the wooden doorframe, from where I stood, as you began to unlock the multiple locks you had installed. You open the door, with a face of shock and surprise written over your features.

“I thought you would have boarded the plane by now,” you said, with a soft tone to your voice, your body leaning against the wooden frame, “Come in.” With those two words, I set foot in the house, that I had not seen in two years. Everything had seemed to be the same, with the pictures of us not having changed, the only difference from the last time I was here, was the change of flowers, from red roses to white lilies. It felt like home, which made my heart swell with a certain overcoming feeling of having an identity in something so objective like a house.

But it stopped, as I realized this was no longer my home. This house, that I know from the inside out, was not my home. The walls were white, like fresh snow in the first days of winter, and even though they seemed to welcome me each time I walked through that door frame, they were not mine. With this feeling of home, there was a specific emotion that ran through me; guilt. Guilt in knowing I had left this all, in hopes of finding the one, who would love me unconditionally, only to realize, after two years of leaving behind all I had, that the unconditional love I had desperately seeked, was in this very house, this home.

“I heard things, from your friends and parents, but I want to hear it from you,” you said calmly, sipping slowly from your white clay mug, “What have you done these past two years?” I felt a lump in my throat, trying to find the appropriate words and phrases to use.

“Well, I’ve been traveling.”

“And avoiding me,” I looked down, as those words spilled like a flowing river from you pursed lips, to the white carpeted floor, in shame, and self-condemnation. I knew you were hurt, you were pained, and was damaged from it. It was not because I knew you would notice my absence, and sudden disappearance, but the fact that when friends and family members called in, with luck, each time, talked of how you asked about me. Though you were not given much information, from my request that much of what happened to me was to remain secret to you, you were persistent.

“Please,” you said softly, lowering your mug to the coffee table that sat before us, “If you don’t want to tell me what you did, at least tell me why. Tell me why you left and just disappeared, for two years, when I needed you the most. Tell me why you never called in to keep me updated, like the rest of your friends and family. Am I not important enough?”

And I told you, I told you all of it.

Hot summer nights, mid July

When you and I were forever wild

The crazy days, city lights

The way you'd play with me like a child

You began to chase me, with a water gun in your hands, it filled to the brim with water, in hopes of the water making contact with my body and clothing. I ran, as if it was for my life, in circles, as your parents watched from afar, with their drink in one hand, and their phone in the other. They chatted, about things that were all unknown to my knowledge, as you were able to drench my whole body in water, by pouring all the water on me. I felt a scream that had erupted from my throat, as I reacted, by pulling you closer, your clothing started to absorb the excess water that dripped from my body in the process.

The moment seemed to be perfect, my arms wrapped around you, as you giggled and squirmed, in an effort to release yourself from my grip. The weather was perfect, an evening of a mid July day, with slight humidity. I found myself grinning, from ear to ear, watching your attempt of escape, happening so closely to me. My heart fluttered and began to have palpitations, and my stomach churned in my abdomen.

“You’re a great friend, you know that right?,” you said, as we laid on the grass, watching the night stars glimmer in the dark sky, from your back house. From your words, it became a realization that I was only but a friend. This certain I felt for you, was not a normal feeling of friendship, but I ignored it. I ignored it all in hopes of sustaining this friendship I held so dear to my heart.

I felt that you knew, even though you did not act on the knowledge of it. You allowed for us to keep this friendship pure and untainted with uncertain feelings and mixed emotions. You allowed me to call you beautiful, and allowed me to call you in the morning to tell you good morning. You allowed all these things to happen, but you did not speak with me on my motives, and I thank you for it. I knew that my feelings for you would not be reciprocated, but you let me love from a certain arm’s length, and I thank you for that.

But even with this knowledge, it felt as if you were playing games with me. This must have been a game, of how long it would take me to confess my feelings, and you were controlling all of it. You allowed me to act on my emotions, but yet, you seemed not to act on yours. You played me, like a new game you just learned or bought, and I worry, when the time comes you will become tired of it, of me.

I've seen the world, lit it up

As my stage now

“I traveled to find love,” I said, not having broke eye contact with you, “I travelled the world, in hopes of finding the love of my life, since it seemed that I could not find it here. I travelled across seas and to the horizons of the earth. I really tried. I looked everywhere I could."

"Why did you come back then?"

"Because I couldn't find love," I said to you, in response to the question I had expected, "The love of my life wasn't out there. No matter how much I seeked, no matter how much I searched, she wasn’t out there. I could not find her in the city of love, or the corner streets of Amsterdam. I found many acquaintances, and many people who claimed would love me, but it took me this time to realize my heart had already been taken.”

“How was it like?,” you asked softly, “I want to know.”

“The world is beautiful. I wasn’t able to find love, but I found beautiful places. You should have seen it, the city lights in a dark night. The moon seemed to be bigger out there too, without the distractions we’re used to here. It’s so beautiful. Everything looked like a landscape painting or a masterpiece. But that life, of constantly travelling, was not for me.”

“Why is that?”

“Because there is someone here who I love and I should have realized it sooner. There’s someone here that I couldn’t have left behind for that lifestyle.”

There was a moment of silence, between the two of us, the only thing that could be heard was the ticking of the clock the hung on the wall across from where we sat. You bit your lip, as if trying to hold yourself from saying something, as your eyes continuously darted from the carpeted the floor, to meet my eyes. I continued to gaze at you, not quite knowing what to say myself. You look up to me finally, and started to speak.

And all the ways I got to know

Your pretty face and electric soul

I looked at you, as you slept, watching your peaceful features. I did not mean for myself to stare and peer, but yet, I still continued to watch. I saw how your chest rose and fell in a rhythmic pattern, and how your eyes were closed through all of it. I watched how your small frame seem to curl together, like a baby, in fear of the dark. Suddenly, your arm draped over my body, pulling your body closer to mine.

I felt my heart start to beat, erratically, and my palms start to sweat, even though the air conditioning was on that night. I felt my cheeks start to flush with a warm red color, though I knew neither of us would have seen it in the darkness of your bedroom. The world seemed so unimportant when I was in your arms, that very night. Your heartbeat seemed to be the only sound I heard clearly, and your face of tranquility seemed to be all I could see.

I remember having watched the way you interacted with your friends, some of whom I had knew to be my friends as well. You spoke with a voice of love and excitement, it made me so full of joy, to have known you were happy, and that was all I ever asked for.

There was a dimple on the left side of your face, located on the lower part of your cheek. It was the most prominent when you were smiling, or laughing. It looked the best when you were laughing. Even though you did not like it, I thought it was one of your best features, though I loved all of them. Your dark hazelnut eyes were like pools of chocolate, and your grin could bring happiness to the people who saw it, including me. Your cute button nose, your cherry red lips, they all seemed to become the features of a painting I could not stop looking at.

You made me smile, a bright smile, whenever I was around you or you were in my presence. Life seemed to be full of more color than when you were not around. You told stupid jokes, and laughed at them yourself, as others did not, but I still laughed with you. You would sit me down, and talk to me, of the most random of things, and always, you told me you were so glad you had me as a friend. I am too.

Oh that grace, oh that body

Oh that face makes me wanna party

She's my sun, she makes me shine like diamonds

“I think I realized, when you were gone, how much I actually needed you. When you left, I was devastated. I wasn’t sure why, but I knew then I needed you. How could you have left? How could you have just abandoned me? I thought I was finally getting my life back on track, but then you show up out of nowhere, like nothing had happened, ruining all the progress I thought I made.”

When those words left your mouth, I felt my heart ache in my chest, burning as if it were on fire. I had never meant to hurt you, it was never my intention, and it never would be in the lifetime we live here, and maybe more. I knew I had hurt you, but I did not know to this extent. I thought that the hurt was temporary, for the midst of the moment, and would pass.

“There was this magazine in London,” I said, “that wanted love letters and love confessions, and I want you to read mine aloud, if that’s okay with you.”

I passed the folded paper to you, as you looked at me, with a raised eyebrow, and took it from my fingertips. You slowly opened it, your nimble fingers moving, as you focused on nothing, not even me, but the piece of folded paper that had been presented to you. You then looked up, when the paper had been unfolded as I nodded for approval for you to start reading what was written on the paper.

“Hello L Magazine’s executive editor. In last issue of the magazine, you had asked for love letters and love confessions to our loved ones, all of which were to be anonymous. This is a confession. Before I begin, I would like to say that I am not a native to London, but took the opportunity to write my feelings to understandable words. Here is my confession:

My infatuation with her was prominent, and my apprehension, for her not loving me back, with the certain passion I have for her, was forever reoccurring. It terrifies me, beyond the vastness of my mind, how she seemed to consume the very space in my mind. I felt the memory of her crawling back each time, when I thought I was able to escape, to a moment of blankness, like barren land, without her presence lingering like fog.

I want to let her go, and allow my heart the closure to the impossible, that seems to be a possibility in my eyes. But, I am terrified. The thought of allowing myself to think, to believe, she is unimportant, and should not take over such a large quantity of space; the thought of that itself brings shivers down my spine, and tears to my eyes.

Because I know, she is so important, beyond the words I can comprehend, and the phrases of love I can piece together, like a string of stars to form a constellation. She is the sun of my morning, and the glowing moon and twinkling stars of my dark musky night. She is the light that will guide me out of the dark, bottomless pit, of which I dig for myself everyday. She is so important, and it pains me, my heart aches, at the knowledge that she does not know of such.

I left almost two years now, in hopes to find love, which is what I told everyone back at home, but truly, I tell you, that I left to escape her. I could not quite bear the fact of having live the rest of my life with her, as I have been living in the same home as her three years prior to my leave, if I could not rid my feelings of her from the start of our friendship.

I intend to travel back home quite soon, this being the last stop on my two year journey of self discovery, because I realized now, that no matter what I do, I could not quite shake off my feelings for her. No matter how hard I tried to forget her, she seemed to consume my mind more and more, specifically now that I am without her presence. Because, I love her.”

Will you still love me

When I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Will you still love me

When I got nothing but my aching soul?

“Maybe that is what I feel,” you said, after yet another moment of silence between us, “This unconditional love you’re talking about. I didn’t know why I felt that certain way when you left. But maybe, it was because I had grown so used to your presence, I didn’t know how it would be like to be without you.”

“I was terrified,” I said to you, not sure how to respond your thoughts that had just been vocalized, “I didn’t know what I was going to do if you were to find love and I couldn’t. I really tried, in those three years, to avoid the topic of relationships, but I kept searching. But I couldn’t when I knew you were at home, waiting for me each night. I guess you kept me grounded each night.”

You scooted your body closer to mine, as you opened your arms, indicating an offer for a hug. You look at me, with your chocolate eyes, and pouting lips, and complying, I accepted the act of closeness and pulled you into a hug, that was long overdue. I felt your heartbeat, a slow, notable, and constant beat, against my own chest. I felt your breathing against the crook of my neck, substantially become irregular, as you started shaking in my arms. I felt drops of a liquid fall and wet my shoulder. I pull away from you, watching you wipe your tears with one hand, as I was still holding the other.

“I’m sorry,” you said with a giggle, “I guessed I just missed your hugs. They always seemed to be the best hugs out there.”

“There’s no need to apologize.”

I felt heart palpitations sound in my ears, from my chest. The erratic beat seemed to be a normal occurrence for me, but this felt different. Along with the erratic heartbeat I felt, there was this warm sense, that appeared to run through my whole body, like a hearth of a family home, its fire ablaze. I felt complete, like I had just found my missing half, though I knew you had been here all along, and, the scared child I was, hid from you. I hid and avoided confrontation with her, not having confide my feelings until now.

I was still afraid, terrified even. I was well aware of your feelings now, though you did not exactly say your feelings into broad words. But the question of the relationship between the two of us seemed to linger in my mind. Still, the question of "Do you really love me?", plays into a factor as well, for the fact that I do not want to risk our newly rekindled friendship in order to feel the certain love I would give to you unconditionally, because I am still not sure, if you will love me in the end of all of this.

"What are you thinking about?"

"How terrified I am," I felt my voice crack near the end of that phrase, as admitting weakness to you felt like I was burdening you, "I'm not sure if you'll love me back even though I will love you no matter what."

"I think you fail to realize," you said, with a pause before continuing with you trail of thought, "that this certain love you are experiencing, are feeling, is two sided. I am about as scared as you are, but I know that at the end of the day, I can't change my feelings about you. Maybe I am not ready to have that certain kind of relationship yet, but that doesn't mean I want you to hide from me. I don't think I can last another day with you gone."

I know you will

"I was so worried," you pulled me into a hug, as you buried your face in the crook of my neck, your breathing slow and warm, "You have to be more careful next time, okay? I can't go losing my best friend from a freak accident. I can't lose you."

I found myself smiling at you words, through the dull pain in my leg. There was an overwhelming sense of importance in knowing you had felt such worry for me, a person who had trouble in finding their own worth. How could a mere person like you create such an illusion of self worth in my eyes? It was a complex notion, that you could have caused the palpitations and the warmth of the hands, moisture invading from my apprehension about you. That you caused my cheeks to warm and my tongue to lose all the vocabulary I knew.

Maybe it was because you had taken my heart years prior to this moment in time. I not count the number of times you made my heart race, because I could go on counting moments, in this life we share, for days, but this certain moment in time made it evident of the obvious now. I was sure, affirmative of it now, that I was madly head over heels for my best friend, who was a constant reminder my struggle with my sexuality.

“Are you okay?,” you questioned, shaking me, as I fell from my trance and trail of thought, “You kind of just dozed off there.”

I nod my head, not quite wanting to form words and have them fall from my lips. I was tired, emotionally and physically, as the collision with the car took a toll on my body, and the thought of you, taking a toll on my mind. It seemed like something from a fictional story, as I found it hard to imagine that fate had brought us together, through an accident, and now here we are, as I was in another accident.

I was walking, crossing the street, as the crossing light permitted me to, and as I was in the center of the cross, a heard the motor of a vehicle make its way toward my direction, thinking it would stop, I continue slowly toward the end of the cross walk, until, I feel a force against my body, it jerking against the impact and onto the ground beneath me.

You pull away, your face facing mine, as you seemed to find my soul in my eyes, with your own. Your chocolate eyes are red, as tear stains ran down your face. I brush my thumb along the waterlines of your eyes, in order to dry your tears. You giggle, at the situation, or from what I though at least, as you brush your thumb against my cheek as well. I look at you, with a confused look, until I see you pull your thumb away with a certain liquid wetting it; my tears.

"I guess we're both an emotional wreck," you said, with another giggle escaping your lips. I laugh at your words, because they seem to be true at the moment.

"I guess that means we can be emotional wrecks together."

I know you will

Your breathing was slow, but I heard it, echoing in my ears in the silent room we sat in. I looked into your eyes, how they fluttered and shined, as you looked into mine as well. This moment was peaceful, and I could not have asked for anything else in life than to be with you, sitting side by side, staring deep into each other’s milk chocolate eyes.

“I’m not sure how we’ll live life after all this has happened,” you said slowly, and carefully, enunciating the words as correctly as humanly possible, “Life has changed for the both of us, in that two year time span. We’ve both lived a life outside of each other, and it’s hard to just live like nothing was ever wrong. I don’t think I can give you that kind of relationship where we can just pretend the past two years without you didn’t happen, because it did, and it hurt.”

“Then we don’t have to pretend that those two years never happened,” I replied to you, without a hesitation, “I can learn from my mistakes, and you can learn from the time we spent without each other. We don’t have to start fresh, but we have to start somehow.”

You leaned closer to me, and rested your forehead against mine. You closed your eyes, seeming to enjoy the moment of silence between us, one in the many that had already occurred in our first conversation in two years. I felt my heart felt at the simple action, yet bold statement. Though you were not quite sure of what you wanted to occur between us, it would appear to be apparent you tried, for me.

“Is this an appropriate for an exchange of touch?,” you whispered to me, our foreheads still touching as if the world, in that moment, had stopped to look at us. I open my eyes, looking at you, then nod, craving that certain hug you give, as I had not received one in the past two years. I closed my eyes, waiting to be engulfed in your tender touch, one of the things I had missed most about those two years. But instead, I felt a pair of soft lips to press against mine.

They were soft, and undeniably warm. Though my mind could not process this moment just yet, my lips seem to mold with yours, reciprocating the "exchange of touch". You smiled into it, as you slowly raised your arms, to wrap around my neck, to pull my head closer to yours, closing the gap between us. I knew we were not each other's first, but it felt like my first time. I felt butterflies erupt from the pit of my stomach, and my heart ache a certain way, as if begging for more.

There was an apparent that rang in my mind. The thought of "Was it not meant to be?", as you continued to kiss me with a certain passion I was not sure she had for me, while I tried my best to keep up with the movement of your lips, but I was sure that your experience with this "exchange of touch" was beyond my level of experience. I knew that I could never amount to being a perfect partner, when it came to an exchange of touch, but I hoped you knew I gave my best, and tried my all.

"That was-"

"Amazing. Just amazing," I had cut you off, finishing your trail of thought. You nod, in agreeance with me, as you lay your head on my shoulder. It was true, this moment, this exchange of touch, was completely and absolutely amazing. I would not give it for the billions, or even trillions, of stars that scatter our night sky, that glimmer like a flicker of a lit candle. I would not give this moment up for the riches of the world, for they could not buy the time I could spend with you, whether that time was limited or for an eternity. For I knew, that no amount of time with you could change these everlasting feelings that were embedded in the deep core of my soul.

I knew that I could find closure now, in what I had thought was the unknown, a certain kind of closure I had been aimlessly searching for, in the past eight years of knowing you. Life did not have to be perfect, and I may still have my ups and downs, since there is really no such thing as a happy ever after, but I knew, that if I just remember that my feelings were not wasted, for I was able to you say loved me, like how I loved you.

I know you will.