Published February 24, 2005
(dream of spanish prima donnas―the scent of lilacs)
tracing silk silhouettes with trembling finger tips
maybe in another life everything was still all right
it was raining today and it can't seem to stop
like amphetamine on a sunday morning―like
late september slipping through the pavement cracks
implosion―
& she goes boom
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,440 Literary Works • 674,432 Reviews
Okay first of all I do like it.
There are some mistakes that need to be fixed.
First, every sentence needs punctuated and the first word capitalized.
For another, it should say everything is still alright, not "everything was still all right."
On this part there wasn't much wrong except punctuation and capitalization.
Where you said "Implosion & she goes boom", your words need to be fully written out.
Put it Implosion and she goes boom.
Definitely edit.
Keep up the good work though!
This poem was very much an experiment. My try at objective correlative. From the replies, I don't think it turned out as well as I would have liked.
This poem wasn't suppose to be coherent in a sense that it makes a palpable image or thought in the reader's mind. The words, however vague, are fragmented to achieve the state of mind of the protagonist--the she at the end of the poem. In turn, the confusion, the chaos, the utter tragedy of the protagonist is supposed to make the reader feel the same emotions as the protagonist; the feeling of being perplexed and hurt by the world but at the same time mystified by its beauty.
I hope that made sense!
IT's very pretty and I liked the sound but I don't think I understood it. The dream sentence at the beggining was particularily pretty '(dream of spanish prima donnas―the scent of lilacs) '. Anyway I liked it even if I didn't understand it.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I like it. I like all of this website. But this was awesome.
too vague, but you have to potentional in there but you didnt get your point across at all.
wu
interesting but vague maybe too vague