Published February 24, 2005
english gothic
june came when the sky burst open
seeping in like painted blue angel eyes
july was lost on me: london by moonlight
i came to visit you by train early next morning
dawn crept upon me through veils of gold
there must have been something most tragic about her
look there, a little girl in a white cotton sundress
burning tiger lilies in her arms
selling fallen pieces of heaven by the train tracks
eyes, blue-gray, looking to nothing—everything
in the distance: hair, black as the air at night
danced in the wind with the passing train
august was obscure, covered in rain
my eyes were closed;
'ophelia, ophelia' words, half spoken and broken
stinging into you
opened the door when the bell rang
'hold on tight, darling, won't you just hold on tight'
time was foolish, forsaking me in your doorway
august was cruel when the sky imploded
(the land desolate, darkened, damaged)
summer lay marred on your bedroom sheets
songs fell from your lips into sunsets;
daybreak
you smelt like sea foam and tasted of stained glass
broken
shored against my ruins—sanguine—an afterthought
i ended there and began once more, time passed me by
they tell me that goodbye is the saddest word
(falling in love with melpomene)
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at this hour, one word captures my thoughts, -genius-.
maybe if you want I'll do a more indepth critique.
-El-
I'm so sorry about the (very) late reply. This year had been completely crazy for me and I barely had a chance to go online. I'm so sorry!
Yes, Eliot is my inspiration. I love his writing. "shored against my ruins" is an allusion ot his "The Waste Land." Yes, The Four Quartets is probably my second favorite Eliot poem.
Thank you very very much, everyone, for all your lovely comments and feedback. I really appreciate it.
Honestly, I thought the metaphors were a little cliche here and there.
But... I was so entranced in the beautiful descriptions I hardly noticed.
You probably don't need more people petting your ego, but I must say, bravo.
(it bugs me, though. I've read three poems today so far and all three have been awesome, and I can't think of any critiques. XD)
Seeing as it's sorta late (which means my brain has gone all fuzzy), I won't try to critique it other than to say it was really great! I loved the descriptions and vivacity of the metaphors.
A little bit confusing...like a dream as one said which aren't very vivid. Everything else I would have to say would sound stupid with all the other great comments you got but it was absolutely amazing and I can't wait to read more. You will defiantly fit in here! Best piece of writing or poem I have read on here other than Chanson's work. I loved your discriptions although they were very short and only explaining a little bit of the whole poem. I liked that.
wow...that was amazing. I can picture everything in my head. Really great!
Loved it, absolutely loved it, but what is the last line in parentheses? Is that part of the poem or what? Other than that, beautiful, absolutely beautiful.
I think is was beautiful, amasing and every other word I can't think of right now. It was a little over my head but other than that it was great. Keep writing one day I hope I could be as good as you.
One last thing I loved the title too.
yes, you already know me (as Black Dog) but this poem again was utterly amazing. You are one very great writer![/i]
just figured it out, your style reminds me of TS Eloit. every ready any of his work? I'm very fond of the four quartets myself.
Absolutely gorgeous. Stunning really, this has to be some of the best writing on this site. i see into it clearly, these brilliant metephoric flashes of imgaes you created. you really did well. I loved the images of the girl with the flowers, that was perhaps the most vivid one for me. the parts about auguts were also very nice and i loved the line about golden veils. it's like dream images, they tell a story that i can't quite understand but admire for it's beauty and melancholy. (i'm a sucker for melancholly). I really hate to point it out, but in the line 'you smelt like sea foam and tasted of stained glass' i think you meant 'smelled' which sounds good with the 't' at the end, but should probabaly be spelled the regular old way becasue, i'm not sure on this but i think ssmelt has to do with either fish or metal (?). But that's only a tiny nit-pick in a truely glorious piece of writing. really. marvelous writing and besides you used the word sanguine, which always scores points in my book.
your writing remins me of someone i've read but i can't think who it was at the moment, but i'm sure it was someone good. keep up the good work, I'd love to see more fro you.
Thank you all for these lovely comments. I'm very glad that you all liked this poem.
loved it really did a real refreshing poem not to have ot stumbled on the words or try to figure out the meaning of the stanza. It was a very beautiful poem and if you keep on writing like that you will go very far
! From the begining to the end it keep me wanting me not think 'god when will this end' you should be proud 
!
wu x
absolutely, completely incredible. Don't think I've ever written anything this good before. Utterly brilliant. I can't think of anyway to change or improve anything on this KEEP WRITING. It'll be amazing to see what you do in the future. THanks for this so much, etcetera.
beautiful to read but one thing that bothered me was "black as the air at night" i didn't really like the wording or even the metaphor itself.
I know...wow. It certainly is nice to not have to go picking through to find errors and clunkiness...
A really refreshing change from the usual stuff we see here. I can tell you're going to fit in. I loved this poem. It flowed well, it told the story well, it was a joy to just read for once, rather than notice silly mistakes and feel infurtiated at a bad rhyming scheme or repetitions. Great stuff.