Young Writers Society

I agree that this was out of character, but, if I ignore that, I really love this. It was beautifully written, and your imagery was amazing, especially "sunlit gold". I love the contrast provided by the second stanza, and this was really well developed. My only slight problems were that you sometimes twisted your sytntax, and this sounded a little odd. (e.g lines 8 and 9). I'd omit "but" from the last line. Maybe change it to "just" if you really want a word there.Hope this helps.

Wow...the poem is really good, but i don't think Snaape could have written it.
Anyway, the yearning for Lily and the lonilness has been well brought out.

um....darling, you know I love you, but if anyone else gave me a crit that badly spelled/grammar-checked (i.e. "snap"), I wouldn't exactly listen to them. Put some effort into what you say and I'll put some effort into applying it.

ya see i agree with ( ooo forget their name) whoever it was that said that it wasent snapish. pesonetly i think snape would have tried using a potion or somting to get her to like him. and i dont think snape was ever emo. also dont think sape ever let himslef love her fully because he cared to much about blood status. it dident seem to make much sence to me when u wrote about james as the reson that the (lily and snape) dident work out. i think that snape knew that its because he cared so much about blood status which is also part of the reson he hated james and serius so much because they were pureblood. he inveied them but wouldent admit it so he tryed to be better then him. and i could tell (partily just from knowing u) that its told from a girls point of view. like the phycy of guys and girls are diffent so i think it might have come more from the point of veiw of a posesve roll. because his "love" for her was selfish he would have wanted to own her more then worship her.
this is of course asuming i understand snap's mind. ... foolish me. but on the tycnical side of things i think it was really good it had a good ryme scheme and worked well with itself. good job! *gives cookie*

Thanks for the feedback, Meep! The problem with the puppy-dog feel to the love described in the poem is that the only time I thought Snape might (realistically) EVER write a poem was if he was in a sort of "emo" mood or such. Also, I know her birth status didn't affect his love, but it might have been a factor in why he kept it secret, and possibly why it was such a tortured love.

Thanks again, love! *gives cookie*

Speaking as a role player more than a poet, I don't think this sounds like something Snape would have written. I think the sentiment is right (more or less, but hold onto that thought) but the tone is a little poetic, romantic and sentimental for a guy like Snape, you know? It sounds like a shallow, teenagerish, puppy love attraction, but Snape's love seems to be different, deeper than that.

I'm not sure the second paragraph is entirely appropriate. I just reread The Prince's Tale, and from the sound of it, the only thing keeping Lily from Snape was James. Snape didn't seem to put her in the "Mudblood" category when he thought about her. It didn't matter to him, although it did slip out that one time, which destroyed what they'd been. He regretted it, though, and tried to explain that he didn't mean it.

I really love that last line, though.

Again, this is more from experience as a role player, playing other people's characters properly is hard. I'm really not much of a poet.

I've already read it but I still like it. Tis good!

~Pol